Reply to Completely devastated by 2nd divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I felt the same way.  Similar story.  I stayed.  We are now very happy.  Don’t feel like you have to walk away because it’s the right thing to do.  You may want to stay and fight for the marriage.  You seem like you’re reluctant to leave and you should figure out why.  If there’s a glimmer of hope and he wants to fight for the marriage then give it all you’ve got.  [/quote]

But how can you reconcile when the person keeps on lying? He said he wanted to reconcile , begged me to stay but every week I find out new lies about the affair, and just a few days ago found out he was still talking to the OW. How do you go on after that? How do you even learn to trust the person again, he has told me so many lies that i dont know who he is anymore[/quote]

You cannot.  You cannot reconcile with a guy who continues to lie and be in contact with the AP.   This lying is nothing but a manipulation of you for his own purposes.  It is a form of serious emotional abuse.  Was your first marriage abusive as well? No one, no matter what kind of mistakes in a marriage have been made, no one deserves to be cheated on or causes someone to cheat on them.  Cheating is never an acceptable response to marriage problems.  A person who cheats is unable to deal with conflicts in an honest and transparent way and thus lacks the most basic skills necessary for successful marriage.

I have been where you are ... cheating, lies, and yet a partner begging to reconcile, etc.  Do not listen to his words, rather watch his actions carefully.  Focus on how this relationship IS, not what you hope it can be.  Remember that the person you love is not a real person but is a creation of a tapestry of lies.  You do not have a marriage to fight for.

End the marriage and get into therapy to find out why you would even consider sticking around someone for one minute in these conditions.  For me,  I learned that I grew up with an emotionally and verbally abusive parent, so that behavior seemed normal to me and I tolerated it and rationalized it in my partners.  Use therapy to help you build your own life independent of relationships and to learn to identify healthy relationships.

Good luck. [/quote]

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