Help me not compare parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I should step up because they don't like to call or visit us? I'm already struggling here. I don't want to add to my plate.

But yet you want their help. So do what you have to do to get it. You can't have it both ways: you can't complain that they are out of touch if you don't keep them in touch. And you can't complain they don't help when they don't know that you need the help. They are not omniscient and it doesn't sound like the Wizard is being of much assistance so start the communication yourself so you can stop complaining that they aren't helping you.

They know we need help because they're aware of my parents coming to help. I know no one owes me anything. I'm just annoyed they don't help at all but still want us to visit them. They never call. It's so one sided.

In an earlier post you said you ask your parents for help. Do you ask DH's parents? They aren't mind readers.

And you also said they don’t come visit you. Not necessarily they’re JUST bugging YOU to go THERE. Have you invited them? Or do you just want them to show up uninvited? Because then you’d be on here saying they have no boundaries and it’s so rude they just show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They do know I'm drowning and that my parents have been here constantly trying to fill in. They've expressed jealousy over my parents visiting and seeing the grandkids a lot more. But no offers of them visiting or even bringing a dinner over. So it's not that they don't know, it's just that they don't call so they don't get a daily or weekly play by play. The health issues are with our kids, not me.

sometimes its just miscommunication, just talk to ur in-laws, may be ur husband doesn't say much.
I know with my brother and his wife its the same issue.
My parents want to help, but my brother tries to hide and says don't worry, we are managing.
My sil doesn't say much directly to my parents...
If you could try talking directly to them, it might work.
Can you just text them and tell them, u were in the ER yesterday...that might start the conversation.

[Anonymous]

OMG OP. STOP. You are making this harder than it needs to be. Tell them the full truth about what is going on . Your DH does not get a say about whether his parents get the full story and you are admittedly drowning AND he is repeatedly out of the county and unresponsive. If they don't step up at that point, fall back.

You and your DH are ridiculous. Why not just text them and say we are in the ER as Larla is having a crisis related to sickle cell/cystic fibrosis/etc? Why sit there crying, knowing you could use their help, but not wanting to say anything?

[Anonymous]

OP loves the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when they complain that your parents see the kids more often, your ILs are giving you the perfect opportunity to ask for their help. When they complain, say, "You're right, Barbara, my parents have been with the kids a lot helping us with X because we've got a lot on our plates with the kids' chronic health problems and Bill being away for work a good bit of the time. Do you think you and FIL could come (fill in days/times) and help with Y? The kids and I would love your help and support and I know you'd be proud to see how the kids are handling their illness." Put it right back on them.

This. my in laws don’t complain to me but we’re frustrated they didn’t get to see dd as much as my parents for a bit. Dh was out of town for a long time. So we asked if they could come over once a week and bring dinner or pickup takeout i would order. They have done that for 6 months now. And they know if anything, they still get to see dd at least once a week and find out how everything is. It’s led to a better relationship with her and with me and i am not shy asking for help when needed (need to leave for work early or stay late or some sort of event etc) and they know my life closer and can offer specific things (picking up at grocery store or a Costco run).

[Anonymous]

Do you invite them? Do you ask for help? This seems like a good place to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG OP. STOP. You are making this harder than it needs to be. Tell them the full truth about what is going on . Your DH does not get a say about whether his parents get the full story and you are admittedly drowning AND he is repeatedly out of the county and unresponsive. If they don't step up at that point, fall back.

You and your DH are ridiculous. Why not just text them and say we are in the ER as Larla is having a crisis related to sickle cell/cystic fibrosis/etc? Why sit there crying, knowing you could use their help, but not wanting to say anything?

This. If my MIL was bugging me while I was in the ER, screw any idea of what my husband wants. I’d tell her we were at the ER and they could message me later or come visit and help. It’s not hard.

[Anonymous]

OP, lower your expectations by about 90% then you should be okay. Stop wishing or hoping, ask for help from your in laws IF you really need them...

I don't know your situation in great detail, but it sounds hard. Be glad your parents are able to help you, your DH is doing his part by asking for help to people he knows that are willing, you know what I mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I should step up because they don't like to call or visit us? I'm already struggling here. I don't want to add to my plate.

But yet you want their help. So do what you have to do to get it. You can't have it both ways: you can't complain that they are out of touch if you don't keep them in touch. And you can't complain they don't help when they don't know that you need the help. They are not omniscient and it doesn't sound like the Wizard is being of much assistance so start the communication yourself so you can stop complaining that they aren't helping you.

They know we need help because they're aware of my parents coming to help. I know no one owes me anything. I'm just annoyed they don't help at all but still want us to visit them. They never call. It's so one sided.

If you need their help then ask for it. Otherwise, stop with the BMC. You're seeming to relish playing the martyr. Get over yourself because while you're engaging in all this drama I'm wondering who is providing the emotional and physical support for your kids. You're the adult by age at least so you need to start acting like it. If you want your in-laws to help then you need to open up the communication circle and invite them in so that they can help. It's your choice, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd that they would be coming after you instead of their son. Is your MIL a SAHM? You need to tell your ILs to go through their son instead of you cos you're not his keeper.

OP here. No one is a SAHM. I think they're texting me when they never get responses from DH (who is usually out of the country and unresponsive). I realize this is not solely an inlaw problem. It's more like an inlaw/DH lack of communication that hurts the kids and I.

Okay, here's the thing. Under normal circumstances, it is up to each partner to keep their family informed of what's going on. However, when one is out of the country regularly (like military), then it is up to the parent at home to keep up communication with both sides of the family. This doesn't mean that you have to add more burden to yourself. In fact, if you do it right, it will help relieve the burden and stress on you by getting some help from the semi-local family.

First, you call them or visit them and have a heart-to-heart with them. Explain that you really want them involved and need them involved in helping when your husband is deployed or out of the country. How much or how little they can help is dependent on what they are willing and able to do, but any help is appreciated. The first thing they can do is call you regularly so that you don't have the responsibility to call them. Tell them that you are happy to keep them informed of what's going on with you and the kids, but need them to step up and call you so that you don't have to remember to call them. Give them a good time to call when they can talk to you and the kids, like Saturday afternoon or Sunday dinnertime. Then it's their responsibility to call and you don't have the stress of them nagging you that you aren't calling enough. Let them know that if they are willing to do more, that it would be appreciated and they can let you know how much time or resources they have to help and you can find them jobs or responsibilities that will help. Since they are semi-local, if you have young kids, they can come and help with homework or they can come for dinner one night and watch/play with the kids while you cook. Or maybe they can pick up groceries for you once in a while. My MIL is 86 and isn't great with kids, but when she comes to visit, she takes over running errands and picking up groceries since she still drives. My mother doesn't like driving in unfamiliar places, so when she comes to visit I do the shopping and she cooks for us and does the dishes during her visits.

Although it feels like a burden, you need to reach out to your in-laws and explain to them your reality and how they can help. It sounds like it adds more, but after the first call, it should help and relieve some of the stress, even if it is only to get them to stop nagging you that you don't call them often enough.

[Anonymous]

I would just stop responding to them. If they are demanding and not helpful, what is the point in responding to their complaining texts? Tell DH it's his problem and revise both your expectations and your sense of obligation to them to zero.

[Anonymous]

So they are supposed to know what is happening and offer to help, even though they know almost nothing? They are also supposed to feel comfortable coming to see you when their son isn't in the county and your family visits frequently?

Totally unfair. You and your dh need to decide what share about the medical issues, have an open conversation with them and lay out a gracious and ongoing offer to visit. They sound out of the loop, but being judged for not guessing. Your parents visiting doesn't give them concrete info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I should step up because they don't like to call or visit us? I'm already struggling here. I don't want to add to my plate.

When they complain to you say, you respond and say, we are struggling because of issue x,y, and z. In fact, we were in the er last night when you texted. We would very much appreciate it if you could come visit us and help by doing a,b,c.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I should step up because they don't like to call or visit us? I'm already struggling here. I don't want to add to my plate.

But yet you want their help. So do what you have to do to get it. You can't have it both ways: you can't complain that they are out of touch if you don't keep them in touch. And you can't complain they don't help when they don't know that you need the help. They are not omniscient and it doesn't sound like the Wizard is being of much assistance so start the communication yourself so you can stop complaining that they aren't helping you.

They know we need help because they're aware of my parents coming to help. I know no one owes me anything. I'm just annoyed they don't help at all but still want us to visit them. They never call. It's so one sided.

Be specific and start communicating. What do you need? Baby sitting, house cleaning, meals? Not everyone can enter another household and be useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been one heck of a rough year. My parents have bent over backwards, have taken of work to help, etc. My mom even took FMLA. My inlaws don't call or really talk to us. DH doesn't tell them everything that goes on and isn't a complainer, so maybe they don't know (giving them the benefit of the doubt). I was in the ER last night getting texts from them complaining about how we never visit and I just wanted to cry in frustration. I'm hurt they never visit or call us, but I do think this is DH's fault. WHY can't he call his parents? Why can't his parents visit us or help us? His parents are semi local and mine are not.

I'm trying to push my hurt down and not let it boil over when we see them this week. I'm positive they're going to mention our lack of visits. But I really am holding on by a thread over here. DH says I shouldn't compare our parents and I know he's correct, but the comparison is rough. I keep repeating that no one owes me anything, but then I'm frustrated that inlaws think they're owed visits too and the same quantity/quality as my parent's visits. I wish his were more involved in our life.

If they are unaware of your problems how the hell are they supposed to offer help? Also, they owe you absolutely nothing. Stop whining.