Help me not compare parents

[Anonymous]

I would have DH sit them down and say "Look - you seem upset we're not visiting. We are doing the best we can. If you want to see the kids more, we really could use help: we could use X, Y, and Z."

Then if they help, great.

If they don't change, you'll be totally justified in being angry.

Next time just tell them you're at the ER!

[Anonymous]

nothing wrong about comparing parents. just don't overdo it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your family has some chronic health issues to deal with, that the il's are in the dark about? I get your frustration, but it's hard to blame them when they don't know what's going on with you guys.

I assume there's some particular reason you don't tell them things like being in the ER?

This. It sounds like you're mad at them because they're in the dark but you can't put all of that on your husband. If he is out of the country a lot and you want them looped in then it DOES fall on you to loop them in.

My mom was a military wife and my dad was gone for months/years at a time. She made sure to call his mother at least once a week to keep her up-to-date, even if mom had no news from dad. This was in the 60's and 70's so writing letters or calling was it. She also had us writing letters to them. My dad's mom wasn't much on reciprocating (no letters back) but she knew what was going on and she became part of my mom's support system when she broke an arm and leg, and needed help. Both of our grandmas were with us in a jiffy and they helped out until dad got back.

So I say that you need to step up. If you want them to know what is going on (so that you can call on them for help b/c that's what it sounds like you want) then you be responsible tell them. This Thanksgiving is a perfect time to come clean and set it up "You know, I've been a little resentful because we've had some challenges this year and ... but I think the way to handle it is ... so I will be reaching out to you (email, texts, calls) more frequently to keep you in the loop ...".

I know this isn't the answer you want to hear but from my experience it is the answer you need to hear. Do with it what you will and best wishes for a more healthy and happy upcoming year.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell my DH that if he insists on hiding problems from his parents so they have no idea what’s going on or that it’s so bad and they come complaining to YOU about entitled and trivial crap then you’re giving him fair warning that you’ll be telling them exactly what’s up. You’ve got no time or energy for his ridiculous delusions or power games. And if he doesn’t want you communicating with his parents then he should see to it that they don’t bother you. Win win!

[Anonymous]

Op here. I should step up because they don't like to call or visit us? I'm already struggling here. I don't want to add to my plate.

[Anonymous]

Tell DH he has to *call them* and give them an idea what has been going on *before* you see them. Sheesh.

Remind him that it is his job to maintain communications with his parents—and that he is doing a bad enough job that it is becoming your problem, which it shouldn’t be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think it is perfectly OKAY to express hurt and frustration to them. At least once - honestly and without recrimination. But it is your husband's job to do it. And if he can't man up about it, well, I confess my solution would be to be passive aggressive and snotty and that's not helpful. More likely to be helpful would be something like: "Fran dear, I am sorry we didn't visit more last month but we would love to see more of you if you can come to us. Heck, we could really use some help around here if you're up for some babysitting."

OP here. DH doesn't want to ask his parents for anything and he minimizes issues we're having. He has no issues asking my parents for constant help though.

Does he name reasons for not wanting his parents to help? Are they helpful in reality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I should step up because they don't like to call or visit us? I'm already struggling here. I don't want to add to my plate.

But yet you want their help. So do what you have to do to get it. You can't have it both ways: you can't complain that they are out of touch if you don't keep them in touch. And you can't complain they don't help when they don't know that you need the help. They are not omniscient and it doesn't sound like the Wizard is being of much assistance so start the communication yourself so you can stop complaining that they aren't helping you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I should step up because they don't like to call or visit us? I'm already struggling here. I don't want to add to my plate.

But yet you want their help. So do what you have to do to get it. You can't have it both ways: you can't complain that they are out of touch if you don't keep them in touch. And you can't complain they don't help when they don't know that you need the help. They are not omniscient and it doesn't sound like the Wizard is being of much assistance so start the communication yourself so you can stop complaining that they aren't helping you.

They know we need help because they're aware of my parents coming to help. I know no one owes me anything. I'm just annoyed they don't help at all but still want us to visit them. They never call. It's so one sided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I should step up because they don't like to call or visit us? I'm already struggling here. I don't want to add to my plate.

But yet you want their help. So do what you have to do to get it. You can't have it both ways: you can't complain that they are out of touch if you don't keep them in touch. And you can't complain they don't help when they don't know that you need the help. They are not omniscient and it doesn't sound like the Wizard is being of much assistance so start the communication yourself so you can stop complaining that they aren't helping you.

They know we need help because they're aware of my parents coming to help. I know no one owes me anything. I'm just annoyed they don't help at all but still want us to visit them. They never call. It's so one sided.

this is not an in law problem it’s a husband problem. He needs to talk to them and spell it out. That he’s not there and that you need help. And ways for them to provide it, see the grandkids more and be more involved. Then they can open communication with you and it’s on you to coordinate (because dh is not availbe as you say, otherwise he would need to coordinate). I? feel like from your post he doesn’t not communicate effectively. If they were texting you while in the er that’s just strange. My dh would have texted any issues to all grandparents to keep them in the loop, no matter how complicated since they would already be aware of other things going on.

[Anonymous]

So you don’t want him to visit you...but you want their help.

Ok

[Anonymous]

Them* not him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you don’t want him to visit you...but you want their help.

Ok

Op here. I would love visits actually. It's just hard on us to visit them (but we still do it). I would just like more involved grandparents.

[Anonymous]

OP, when they complain that your parents see the kids more often, your ILs are giving you the perfect opportunity to ask for their help. When they complain, say, "You're right, Barbara, my parents have been with the kids a lot helping us with X because we've got a lot on our plates with the kids' chronic health problems and Bill being away for work a good bit of the time. Do you think you and FIL could come (fill in days/times) and help with Y? The kids and I would love your help and support and I know you'd be proud to see how the kids are handling their illness." Put it right back on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I should step up because they don't like to call or visit us? I'm already struggling here. I don't want to add to my plate.

But yet you want their help. So do what you have to do to get it. You can't have it both ways: you can't complain that they are out of touch if you don't keep them in touch. And you can't complain they don't help when they don't know that you need the help. They are not omniscient and it doesn't sound like the Wizard is being of much assistance so start the communication yourself so you can stop complaining that they aren't helping you.

They know we need help because they're aware of my parents coming to help. I know no one owes me anything. I'm just annoyed they don't help at all but still want us to visit them. They never call. It's so one sided.

In an earlier post you said you ask your parents for help. Do you ask DH's parents? They aren't mind readers.