Help me not compare parents

[Anonymous]

It's been one heck of a rough year. My parents have bent over backwards, have taken of work to help, etc. My mom even took FMLA. My inlaws don't call or really talk to us. DH doesn't tell them everything that goes on and isn't a complainer, so maybe they don't know (giving them the benefit of the doubt). I was in the ER last night getting texts from them complaining about how we never visit and I just wanted to cry in frustration. I'm hurt they never visit or call us, but I do think this is DH's fault. WHY can't he call his parents? Why can't his parents visit us or help us? His parents are semi local and mine are not.

I'm trying to push my hurt down and not let it boil over when we see them this week. I'm positive they're going to mention our lack of visits. But I really am holding on by a thread over here. DH says I shouldn't compare our parents and I know he's correct, but the comparison is rough. I keep repeating that no one owes me anything, but then I'm frustrated that inlaws think they're owed visits too and the same quantity/quality as my parent's visits. I wish his were more involved in our life.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think it is perfectly OKAY to express hurt and frustration to them. At least once - honestly and without recrimination. But it is your husband's job to do it. And if he can't man up about it, well, I confess my solution would be to be passive aggressive and snotty and that's not helpful. More likely to be helpful would be something like: "Fran dear, I am sorry we didn't visit more last month but we would love to see more of you if you can come to us. Heck, we could really use some help around here if you're up for some babysitting."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think it is perfectly OKAY to express hurt and frustration to them. At least once - honestly and without recrimination. But it is your husband's job to do it. And if he can't man up about it, well, I confess my solution would be to be passive aggressive and snotty and that's not helpful. More likely to be helpful would be something like: "Fran dear, I am sorry we didn't visit more last month but we would love to see more of you if you can come to us. Heck, we could really use some help around here if you're up for some babysitting."

OP here. DH doesn't want to ask his parents for anything and he minimizes issues we're having. He has no issues asking my parents for constant help though.

[Anonymous]

Did they know you were on the ER when they were texting last night?

[Anonymous]

When you were in the ER why didny you say " I am in the ER right now with......"
While I agree that a lot of this should be on DH if they are messaging you, you can speak up too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did they know you were on the ER when they were texting last night?

OP here. No they definitely didn't know. And DH said it was too much to say in a text and he'd call them later.

[Anonymous]

I find it odd that they would be coming after you instead of their son. Is your MIL a SAHM? You need to tell your ILs to go through their son instead of you cos you're not his keeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd that they would be coming after you instead of their son. Is your MIL a SAHM? You need to tell your ILs to go through their son instead of you cos you're not his keeper.

OP here. No one is a SAHM. I think they're texting me when they never get responses from DH (who is usually out of the country and unresponsive). I realize this is not solely an inlaw problem. It's more like an inlaw/DH lack of communication that hurts the kids and I.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your family has some chronic health issues to deal with, that the il's are in the dark about? I get your frustration, but it's hard to blame them when they don't know what's going on with you guys.

I assume there's some particular reason you don't tell them things like being in the ER?

[Anonymous]

Since they texted you, I'd just straight tell them the truth, that you've been struggling this year, that you're in the ER. You don't have to get into the details, just enough so that they know your plate is completely full. Ask them to call your H for details and then screen their calls/texts.

I have similar dynamic between my mom and my MIL. I have zero guilt not wanting to visit MIL when I'm drowning myself.

[Anonymous]

Tell them!

Honestly if DH isn’t going to tell them and they’re reaching out to you then you need to say something!

[Anonymous]

OP here. They do know I'm drowning and that my parents have been here constantly trying to fill in. They've expressed jealousy over my parents visiting and seeing the grandkids a lot more. But no offers of them visiting or even bringing a dinner over. So it's not that they don't know, it's just that they don't call so they don't get a daily or weekly play by play. The health issues are with our kids, not me.

[Anonymous]

Wait a minute, you have sick KIDS and the grandparents are hassling you about not visiting them enough? Hell to the no. I would set them straight once and give them an opportunity to apologize for being so bratty. Knowing the likely won't apologize and step up, I would then screen their calls and let your DH deal with them 100% of the time.

[Anonymous]

If they don’t know anything you can’t blame them for not knowing what there is no way they could have known.

This doesn’t belong in the Family forum because this is not a family problem. This is a you, husband, and his lack of communication problem.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a doormat. Learn to communicate and to defend yourself and many of your frustrations will lessen if not disappear. Don't blame them for not reading your mind.