I’m an idiot - a vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
To answer a couple questions.

I didn’t ask that he not put a passcode on his phone, nor does he know that it would worry me if he did. He just has never had one.

New guy makes me very happy. We have fun together and he makes me smile. But yes, I admit that he is ‘safe’. But I want safe.

Oh god, this brings out the mom in me! Damn it - He needs to get a passcode on his phone! He can share it with you if he likes. Maybe he doesn't live in phone-snatching territory but in my neighborhood phones are like magnets for thieves.

[Anonymous]

Alpha fux,beta bucks

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. First, why are you reading ex’s email? Stop that. He’s clearly not the good choice.

I dated nice guy #1 for nearly 8 years; he was my best friend but I was never in love. Breaking up was the right thing here, but it took me forever to figure that out because I really did like spending time with him. In the end I just wasted his time, though, and that wasn’t right.

I am not as compatible with DH as nice guy #1, but he is just as much of a good person. So why did I marry him instead? I don’t know. I’m just in love with him! Probably, our differences make for a more interesting relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with turning away a great guy who’s not right for you. But you don’t seem to want people to tell you to dump him, so maybe you really do love him? But if you love him, why are you pining for your ex? It doesn’t really add up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one. First, why are you reading ex’s email? Stop that. He’s clearly not the good choice.

I dated nice guy #1 for nearly 8 years; he was my best friend but I was never in love. Breaking up was the right thing here, but it took me forever to figure that out because I really did like spending time with him. In the end I just wasted his time, though, and that wasn’t right.

I am not as compatible with DH as nice guy #1, but he is just as much of a good person. So why did I marry him instead? I don’t know. I’m just in love with him! Probably, our differences make for a more interesting relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with turning away a great guy who’s not right for you. But you don’t seem to want people to tell you to dump him, so maybe you really do love him? But if you love him, why are you pining for your ex? It doesn’t really add up.

x a million

as another PP so eloquently put it, Alphas f*ck and betas suck

[Anonymous]

Are you sexually attracted to the guy you’re dating? Regardless, your ex sounds like a nightmare. It’s still all about him, isn’t it? He cries every day, he wants marriage and babies, blah blah blah. He hasn’t really changed - he just wants what he wants.

[Anonymous]

You are a codependent, addicted to the drama.
The ex is a sociopath and always will be You need therapy yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Again, thank you to everyone.

Here’s the thing- I’ve never once though that I had this peculiar attraction to unavailable men. The first guy, was very manipulative and the second guy has horrible ptsd/ depression that wasn’t clear to me until the end. He was very good at hiding his ‘issues’ and was always happy / fun / engaging etc.
When people say ‘unavailable men’ they don’t just mean literally unavailable (like already in a relationship)? Because I’ve never *once* been interested in a man who was taken. Im guessing you mean emotionally unavailable etc? Has issues?
(Bare with me, I’m learning.)

Yes. You could add to that men that need you to take care of them and it's appealing because it puts you in a position of control but it's not a relationship on equal footing. I may be reading too much into your story so apologies if I am. But it sounds like you should take a closer look at what is going on with you rather than what is going on with the guy.

[Anonymous]

Crystal ball sees an unhappy future for this woman.

[Anonymous]

So you want to be with a man who is crying every day, wants to attend couples therapy(with you, even though you are not together, wants your babies, and his life is over without you? Yeah, sounds like you need somebody to make big decisions for you. More like a stalker, end up dead scenario, and is most likely sleeping around the whole time even now. Is he good looking?

[Anonymous]

Can't change crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you want to be with a man who is crying every day, wants to attend couples therapy(with you, even though you are not together, wants your babies, and his life is over without you? Yeah, sounds like you need somebody to make big decisions for you. More like a stalker, end up dead scenario, and is most likely sleeping around the whole time even now. Is he good looking?

What exactly do you miss OP? Are you sure it isn’t the challenge that you miss because it sounds like you never got to see the faithful, honest, loving, handling his mental sh$$, wants real committment persona that ex is saying he is now. You were in love with the person you thought he was, not the person he actually is. You are banking on him really having changed when you should be thinking if he always struggles with depression, PSTD, and perhaps faithfulness, will still be worth being in a long term relationship with him above anyone elsr.

It seems more the ego of not wanting to be the bottle opener. You know the woman the guy treated like crap right before he turns things around and is the right guy for the next woman. On a fairness level it just seems wrong to have gone thru what you did so he can potentially be a great guy for someone else. But you have to look at the other side that maybe the crappy relationship changed you or something similar changed your SO to make you right for each other and made it the right time when you met.

[Anonymous]

Ah ha! OP! I hope you read my post. I think I know exactly what is happening. Your ex (Thank goodness you went no-contact! Good job!) was most likely an emotionally abusive narcissist. Him trying to get back with you is a technique they call "hoovering." Sucking you right back in like a vaccuum cleaner. Google it, if you think I am nuts.

You felt such chemistry with your ex, because he orchestrated it to be that way. It is called "love bombing." They are so good at all of it. Jerks. He was faking it. It wasn't really. If you feel that kind of chemistry with someone, it is likely with a selfish person, probably a narcissist, who is not going to treat you well. They have charisma. They are amazing in the beginning. But they treat you like crap. I don't believe that mind-blowing chemistry is real or attainable any longer.

Stick with the man you have now. If he is a good man, you will have a much happier life. Find ways to appreciate the kind of good man he is. After leaving my narcissistic, selfish, (what I now learned is) abusive ex (after the kid), I pray that one day I will find one of these such men. He doesn't have to be the cutest, the smartest, the funniest, the most successful, or the one that rocks my world. He just has to be a good, kind, loving and equal partner. I am happy that you found this.

Hopefully this man will be someone who will take care of the house with you, take care of the children with you, buy you birthday presents and plan fun outings for you both, not cheat on you, not abuse you, and work with you so that you both have a happy life and are fulfilled.

The men with the best chemistry aren't those men. Forget the chemistry.

[Anonymous]

The choice is never limited to ex guy or next guy, as so many woman think it is. My guess OP, at 32, senses her clock ticking, which drives so many women to stupid choices. Don’t settle! Oh, and don’t EVER move in with any man unless you have a ring on your finger and a near-term firm wedding date set.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The choice is never limited to ex guy or next guy, as so many woman think it is. My guess OP, at 32, senses her clock ticking, which drives so many women to stupid choices. Don’t settle! Oh, and don’t EVER move in with any man unless you have a ring on your finger and a near-term firm wedding date set.

Pp here. This is good advice. Except I think (me at 35 on my 2nd divorce, first marriage at 18), that living with someone before agreeing to marriage is the better idea. Once we start setting dates and planning weddings, we find it harder to get out of. Maybe I am wrong. So much becomes clear when we live with someone. My first husband was meticulous, clean and presentable. We moved in when we got married and I found out all that was a front.

Maybe the answer is, if you move in with someone, still keep the lease on your apartment. Or have an easy backup plan in case things go wrong. Like a friend/family with a room.

[Anonymous]

Stay with your current guy. As my Chinese acupuncturist once told me, it is good if the man love you a little bit more.
Your ex never loved you.