I’m an idiot - a vent.

[Anonymous]

Female, age 32. Was with someone for a year and a half. The red flags were there, but like many of us, I either ignored or justified. We moved in together and 24 hours later I found out he had been cheating on me the entire time with his ex.
God, was I a mess. So hurt, so angry. Couldnt eat or sleep for weeks. It was awful. I don’t wish that pain on my worst enemy.
Stayed single/ didn’t date for 6 months.
Met a really nice guy a few months ago. Met him through friends (not online like the other guy) and by all accounts seems perfect. No red flags, no issues, treats me like gold. Doesn’t keep a passcode on his phone / his phone is always out and visible (this seems like a very specific thing to mention, but is important to me because it’s now a ‘trigger’ for me). He pursued me for a couple months but I wasn’t really ready to date. Finally I gave him a chance and I’m glad I did. No baggage, great job, loves his family, loves my family so far, he’s social, kind, warm, is emotionally available and cares about my thoughts, we’ve discussed our long term goals and we’re on the same page.

Why did I title this thread the way I did?
Because I don’t feel the chemistry that I did with my ex. I still get emails from the ex outlining his therapy, how he’s finally owning and addressing his PTSD (army), how he’s improving, how he’s going to win me back, proof (text/ emails) that he ended everything with the ex (and the other girl he was sexting with.), that he’d do anything - constantly share his location, couples therapy, full transparency, ANYthing that i need or want. Saying his life is over without me. He wants marriage and babies. That he’s crying every day. And honestly? It’s killing me. I stupidly believe everything he’s saying. I actually feel bad for him. I actually believe everything he says.

Yes, I cut him off. Yes, he’s blocked (phone not email). No, I don’t respond (ever since dating new guy). Yes, I know I need to ignore. New guy is perfect. I would never jeopardize that or get back with the ex. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice.i Just think me writing that out helped.

[Anonymous]

Follow your head, not your heart.

[Anonymous]

The ex is a loser and you need to put him out of your mind. There’s no happy future there. New guy may not be the one but you can at least enjoy the experience of being treated well for a change. Then you’ll have that expectation for next time.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. I don't think you've met your guy yet.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t have to be a choice between ex or current guy.

Choose yourself. Choose not to settle for either one. It’s okay to be single. I was single for awhile after my divorce and it was heaven, living by myself, no cable, no WiFi. Spending time learning how to cook new things, walking my dog and getting more exercise in general, talking to friends and spending time with family more.

It is honestly not the worst thing to be single.

[Anonymous]

Let the new guy go - you obviously don’t instinctively like him as much as the old one. It’s not fair to him

[Anonymous]

If you're always gonna pine for your ex or wonder what if, maybe you should go back to him. I'm not being snarky.
You'll either get burned again, which should help you end it for good, or things will work out.
Whatever you do, don't cheat on your new guy and consider talking to someone if you haven't already. They may be able to give you a different perspective on everything.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you everyone so far.
I do think I should go to therapy. This actually happened to me twice in a row. Meaning, same exact timeline/ situation. Was with two cheaters in a row. It’s so embarrassing.

New guy is honestly perfect. A friend pointed out that there’s a chance I don’t feel the same ‘chemistry’ as with the ex because there’s a lack of wonder. That I became accustomed to worrying/ wondering about the phone, or where he was, etc. New guy is safe - which is a GOOD thing. So the ‘chemistry’ that I’m referring to may very well just be the highs and lows that I used to experience. Obviously, something to explore with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Is the current guy good in bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the current guy good in bed?

OP here. He was pretty inexperienced but despite that it’s actually been good.

[Anonymous]

New guy is totally screwed here. He has no idea what you are feeling, you may well end up together because you think he is "safe," the sex is going to dry up because there is no "chemistry," and he will spend years trying to fix it, which will fail because it was never there in the first place, and you will never tell him, then or now. This is a very common story with a highly predictable ending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Female, age 32. Was with someone for a year and a half. The red flags were there, but like many of us, I either ignored or justified. We moved in together and 24 hours later I found out he had been cheating on me the entire time with his ex.
God, was I a mess. So hurt, so angry. Couldnt eat or sleep for weeks. It was awful. I don’t wish that pain on my worst enemy.
Stayed single/ didn’t date for 6 months.
Met a really nice guy a few months ago. Met him through friends (not online like the other guy) and by all accounts seems perfect. No red flags, no issues, treats me like gold. Doesn’t keep a passcode on his phone / his phone is always out and visible (this seems like a very specific thing to mention, but is important to me because it’s now a ‘trigger’ for me). He pursued me for a couple months but I wasn’t really ready to date. Finally I gave him a chance and I’m glad I did. No baggage, great job, loves his family, loves my family so far, he’s social, kind, warm, is emotionally available and cares about my thoughts, we’ve discussed our long term goals and we’re on the same page.

Why did I title this thread the way I did?
Because I don’t feel the chemistry that I did with my ex. I still get emails from the ex outlining his therapy, how he’s finally owning and addressing his PTSD (army), how he’s improving, how he’s going to win me back, proof (text/ emails) that he ended everything with the ex (and the other girl he was sexting with.), that he’d do anything - constantly share his location, couples therapy, full transparency, ANYthing that i need or want. Saying his life is over without me. He wants marriage and babies. That he’s crying every day. And honestly? It’s killing me. I stupidly believe everything he’s saying. I actually feel bad for him. I actually believe everything he says.

Yes, I cut him off. Yes, he’s blocked (phone not email). No, I don’t respond (ever since dating new guy). Yes, I know I need to ignore. New guy is perfect. I would never jeopardize that or get back with the ex. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice.i Just think me writing that out helped.

I'm sorry you were cheated on, but...

1. Not keeping a passcode on your phone is a bad idea.

2. I would never be with anyone who insisted on me not having some kind of password for my phone, or not respecting a basic level of privacy -- unless, I had done something to deserve this sort of "on probation" treatment.

[Anonymous]

Let new guy go. The chemistry is off, which bodes very poorly for the future.

[Anonymous]

Are you happy? Sometimes we like conflict, a challenge. It makes things interesting and more stimulating. Safe seems boring to some. Maybe you just need to learn how to embrace and appreciate safe. Understanding that he makes you feel good (if he does) and appreciating how great that is takes time for some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Female, age 32. Was with someone for a year and a half. The red flags were there, but like many of us, I either ignored or justified. We moved in together and 24 hours later I found out he had been cheating on me the entire time with his ex.
God, was I a mess. So hurt, so angry. Couldnt eat or sleep for weeks. It was awful. I don’t wish that pain on my worst enemy.
Stayed single/ didn’t date for 6 months.
Met a really nice guy a few months ago. Met him through friends (not online like the other guy) and by all accounts seems perfect. No red flags, no issues, treats me like gold. Doesn’t keep a passcode on his phone / his phone is always out and visible (this seems like a very specific thing to mention, but is important to me because it’s now a ‘trigger’ for me). He pursued me for a couple months but I wasn’t really ready to date. Finally I gave him a chance and I’m glad I did. No baggage, great job, loves his family, loves my family so far, he’s social, kind, warm, is emotionally available and cares about my thoughts, we’ve discussed our long term goals and we’re on the same page.

Why did I title this thread the way I did?
Because I don’t feel the chemistry that I did with my ex. I still get emails from the ex outlining his therapy, how he’s finally owning and addressing his PTSD (army), how he’s improving, how he’s going to win me back, proof (text/ emails) that he ended everything with the ex (and the other girl he was sexting with.), that he’d do anything - constantly share his location, couples therapy, full transparency, ANYthing that i need or want. Saying his life is over without me. He wants marriage and babies. That he’s crying every day. And honestly? It’s killing me. I stupidly believe everything he’s saying. I actually feel bad for him. I actually believe everything he says.

Yes, I cut him off. Yes, he’s blocked (phone not email). No, I don’t respond (ever since dating new guy). Yes, I know I need to ignore. New guy is perfect. I would never jeopardize that or get back with the ex. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice.i Just think me writing that out helped.

He sounds super immature to me. Laying a big guilt trip on you like that is unfair. He should have enough dignity to be able to go away in peace, especially since he cheated on you.

You really should just cut off contact with him. Hopefully, he's not dangerous.