I’m an idiot - a vent.
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Anonymous
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New guy sounds great, but that doesn't mean that you have to date him, marry him, whatever. In fact, it sounds to me like you're not over your ex and shouldn't date anyone at all.
As for your ex, I think you should try once more to tell him to stop contacting you. I know that people will say that if you just ignore him, he will stop, but who knows when that will actually happen? I would send him an email saying something simple such as "Ex, I do not want to be part of your life. I do not want you to be part of my life. Stop contacting me." Do not express sympathy. Do not be emotional. And then block the email address he uses and the number he texts you from. When you are ready to be in a relationship, you will not need him to pursue you while you remain ambivalent. You will not think about your ex at all. |
Anonymous
Or maybe she needs to do therapy to find out why she's attracted to men who are unavailable. If that's the case, that doesn't mean you should immediately go after a guy who checks your boxes but doesn't engage your heart. What it means is that you need to do therapy to sort this out - assuming this is your issue, OP. I can't tell if it is. I only know that I wouldn't be married today if I hadn't done therapy. I had to come to grips with my fear of involvement which was making itself felt in yearning for several unavailable guys and running away fast from guys I liked who were available. |
Anonymous
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OP here.
To answer a couple questions. I didn’t ask that he not put a passcode on his phone, nor does he know that it would worry me if he did. He just has never had one. New guy makes me very happy. We have fun together and he makes me smile. But yes, I admit that he is ‘safe’. But I want safe. |
Anonymous
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No, you don’t want safe.
Take it from me. Safe = marriage material. I was cheated on in a terrible way—long term ex BF got another woman pregnant, lied about it, yada yada, so terrible and embarrassing. I eventually dated another guy long term who was so good on paper and the safest guy who would never hurt me. So I married him. He never hurt me and was always kind and a good friend, but he never wanted to kiss me, hold hands, have any kind of affection, yet wanted sex. Uh, no thanks. When we first started dated there was a little bit of excitement in the bedroom because it was new, but that wore off fairly quickly. But yet, he was a good guy. He also kinda let himself go and gained a ton of weight, and gave up some of the hobbies he had that made me like him in the beginning. He became a total couch potato. Yet, he was really nice to me. I would lay in bed thinking to myself “this is it? 40+ more years of this?” No spark, no nothing, just day after day with a nice roommate. YOU CAN DO BETTER. DON’T BE STUPID. |
Anonymous
| Meant to write safe is not equal to marriage material!!! |
Anonymous
You want safe, sure. But if the above is not doing it for you, end the relationship. Do it sooner rather than later. |
Anonymous
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This was my Life, except my ex dumped me.
We lived in the same town but then he moved away first and we continued to date long distance- only seeing each other on the weekend. A year later I moved to his town and we moved in together, Then I saw the signs that he had been with a lot of other girls and we were not exclusive and he’d had this other life all along. and he pretty much confessed that he wasn’t ready to settle down. I moved on and met the most perfect man on paper, but still pined for my ex. And by that time he was coming back apologizing and begging (I’m convinced just for me to be one on the side ). I didn’t love Mr Perfect but wanted to settle down. He was insecure because if a bully ex girlfriend and being “a nerd”. It took s while, but I am totally in love with him. It’s 18 years later and we have 3 beautiful kids and everything I could’ve hoped for. Ism totally in love with everything about him, and we are planning our retirement Years (DH is in finance so we are doing very well). But this just happened 10 it so years ago. I was swept off my feet 1 year in, when I realized how great he treated and respected and loved me. I first fell in love with that. (My experience makes me understand how arranged marriages can work out,if both parties have and work toward the same goal) But I had to convince myself not to think of what-ifs even in the Meantime. It didn’t help that ex did do very well for himself right afterward (he did get an MS as an engineer). He eventually married and had kids a little too late for my biological clock. He contacted me on fb 10 years in to sincerely apologize. And it took everything out of me to just respond cordially with 1-2 lines then block him. |
Anonymous
| Look up Imago match or Imago therapy. Will explain why you are attracted to guys they are not good for you. Work on that so that you are attracted to guys who are a good fit. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Again, thank you to everyone.
Here’s the thing- I’ve never once though that I had this peculiar attraction to unavailable men. The first guy, was very manipulative and the second guy has horrible ptsd/ depression that wasn’t clear to me until the end. He was very good at hiding his ‘issues’ and was always happy / fun / engaging etc. When people say ‘unavailable men’ they don’t just mean literally unavailable (like already in a relationship)? Because I’ve never *once* been interested in a man who was taken. Im guessing you mean emotionally unavailable etc? Has issues? (Bare with me, I’m learning.) |
Anonymous
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OP, he didn't just cheat on you once. He cheated on you during the entire relationship (with an EX), was sexting with another woman WHILE MOVING WITH YOU. That's sociopathic behavior. You have to realize that and make a decision not to ruin your life -- and he WILL ruin your life. You're in your 30s, and it's easy to waste the next couple years preoccupied with your ex. Then you're in your mid-30s and you'll either marry him and regret it forever or you'll have wasted so much time you'll marry someone else that's not the right fit.
I have no idea if you should stay with your current boyfriend, but you should definitely cut off all contact with the ex (block him email for starters). |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you so much for this. So much of it rings true. Even the part about new guy being slightly insecure due to his past. I am scared that I’m in the “I’m in my 30’s and am starting to get scared that I haven’t settled down yet and need to find someone safe” cliche. New guy isn’t boring though - we do fun activities together and he likes adventure. Yea he’s a little nerdy but I like that. |
Anonymous
Safe doesn't have to mean a dud. |
Anonymous
| It is so unfair to use someone as a therapy doll. Please be a decent person and break up with the new guy. |
Anonymous
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I never once said he was a therapy doll or that I’m using him. I genuinely like him, care about him, and respect him. I’m trying to work through the feelings I’m having and getting a sense if they’re normal or not. I never said that I didn’t have chemistry with him, just that it wasn’t the same chemistry as the ex. (Sorry if I didn’t make that clear).
I don’t want to break things off with an amazing man (which he truly is). I’m not forcing myself to like him. |
Anonymous
| You sound like you are trying awfully hard to convince yourself you want to be with the new guy. |