Allowing adult son to move back in? What is fair?

[Anonymous]

Our son is in school and works full time at a minimum wage job with commission and some overtime. We charge our son 40% of his take home pay and put it in an account for him. He does not know about the account. Rent includes food. He pays his own other expenses - clothes, car insurance (he is on our policy but he pays his portion), etc. We also keep him on our health insurance.

We expect common courtesy, such as letting us know when he’ll be home. We also expect that he feeds the dogs daily and occasional help cleaning and dog care if we go away.

Things have been going well for us. But he’s never moved out so it might be different than a kid who left and returned home.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am hoping you are a troll and not really considering charging your own son for rent.

To me it's just like if he would ask for a salary when he takes care of you when you're in your old days and need help getting dressed, meal prep or taking a shower.

I agree you need boundaries but I believe you are asking for too much and that it's not fair to your own son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you're not overestimating how easy it is to get a job in his field? Jobs are not exactly falling off the tree for 23-year-olds with a bachelors degree and no real experience. You're sounding like you think you own him because you paid for his college education.

However, he's 23 and been living on his own. A curfew is a non-starter. Respect for the occupants of the house (not making a huge noise, no parties without consulting with you etc, no extreme messes) is fair request.

+1. If he were 27 my answer would be different, but plenty of people live with their parents (for free, I might add) at 23 to save money. You sound kind of disgusted toward him - is there something else going on? I’m not saying coddle him, but the examples you gave of buying a cheap car, going on a family vacation (?) etc don’t seem like he’s living an extravagant lifestyle to begin with. If your biggest issue is that he hasn’t gotten a job in his field, well it’s harder than you think nowadays.

I just don’t get this attitude, sorry. My parents did everything they could to set me up for success at that age and since you live in a wealthy upper NW neighborhood it doesn’t sound like this is a money thing.

Major +2 to this. What exactly is underneath this, is there more going on that's influencing your spiteful attitude? Good jobs are not falling off the shelf for 23 year olds, it's harder than when you graduated. The world is more expensive as well. Stop seeing your son like a child and start trying to get to know him as an adult, trying to build his life and navigate the world. Could NOT agree more with the bolder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 months free

$500 a month after that

Put the money into an account


Give him the money as a wedding or house warming gift when he buys a house.

Just be yourself ... he will move out within the year.

Loll yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe any parents would charge their kid rent. Your house, your rules— as long as your 23 year old isn’t showing up drunk and stoned and banging around at 3am I don’t see why he would need a curfew. Let him get back on his feet, find a good government job and save up so he can move out. I’m sure he isn’t wanting to live in your house long term.

getting a government job is very difficult. people at the jobs and careers forum say they get hundreds of applications for each position.

Government jobs are extremely difficult, yes, but with a bachelors OP’s son can probably find a GS-7 equivalent admin-type job as a federal contractor and work his way up/in. That’s how I started and how a lot of my coworkers started too.

You're way out of touch if you just throw this out as a casual easy option. Getting a government job is MUCH harder (and takes a heck of a lot longer) than it once did

[Anonymous]

Jesus OP I could see taking a tough love approach w/a kid who is in a real 'failure to launch' situation, but looking to shakedown a recent college grad whose financial struggles are at least in part because he went on a family vacation (???) seems pretty petty to me. And counterproductive.

Personally I wouldn't extract rent from my kid in that situation - I'd require him to be working somewhere and saving conservatively while putting most of his effort into finding a professional job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe any parents would charge their kid rent. Your house, your rules— as long as your 23 year old isn’t showing up drunk and stoned and banging around at 3am I don’t see why he would need a curfew. Let him get back on his feet, find a good government job and save up so he can move out. I’m sure he isn’t wanting to live in your house long term.

getting a government job is very difficult. people at the jobs and careers forum say they get hundreds of applications for each position.

Government jobs are extremely difficult, yes, but with a bachelors OP’s son can probably find a GS-7 equivalent admin-type job as a federal contractor and work his way up/in. That’s how I started and how a lot of my coworkers started too.

You're way out of touch if you just throw this out as a casual easy option. Getting a government job is MUCH harder (and takes a heck of a lot longer) than it once did

Correct - I acknowledged that - but I was referring to a government CONTRACTOR position, which is a) totally different and b) much easier to obtain than a direct-hire position. I’m not out of touch; part of my job involves hiring such contractors.

[Anonymous]

I would let him live for free for a few months while he gets settled. He could make OK to good money waiting tables at an expensive DC restaurant while he looks for a "real job". Once he has some income here, he can look for a place in a group house.

[Anonymous]

I moved home after college...and didn't leave until I was 27! When I finally did move out my parents didn't understand why I would leave when I could save money by living with them. They did not charge me rent. I wish they did and put it in an account for me like others have suggested. I agree with the person that suggested giving him 3 months free though. I did odd jobs for my parents like mowing the lawn, setting up their first computer and email account (I know I am dating myself). I had a very good relationship with my parents, and I had a really good job, so I wasn't home just bumming around. I didn't have a curfew, but would call them if I decided to stay at a friends place.

[Anonymous]

My sibling moved back in with my parents after a grad parents 10 years ago. Hasn’t left yet.

[Anonymous]

OP here...

I'm surprised so many people are so surprised with rent. For 18 years we allowed him to live here rent free with the understanding that after he would be expected to live independently. Having him live with us would cost us more (more basic supplies, etc) so I think it is fair to pass these costs down to him.

I feel as though $500 is very fair, well below market rate for our neighborhood.

As for the curfew, it's not only just for respect, but also because I don't want him falling back on the service industry. Most restaurants have late hours and expect their employees to stay until 11-12 o'clock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...

I'm surprised so many people are so surprised with rent. For 18 years we allowed him to live here rent free with the understanding that after he would be expected to live independently. Having him live with us would cost us more (more basic supplies, etc) so I think it is fair to pass these costs down to him.

I feel as though $500 is very fair, well below market rate for our neighborhood.

As for the curfew, it's not only just for respect, but also because I don't want him falling back on the service industry. Most restaurants have late hours and expect their employees to stay until 11-12 o'clock.

No curfew. He is an adult, and adults do not have curfews. He should be considerate with respect to making noise if he comes home late, as well as with respect to household chores, but if you do not treat him as an adult, you will almost certainly regret it. He will resent it, and it will not help him achieve independence.

I think a minimal amount of rent is fine (and I would save most of it, to return it to him for a deposit on an apartment/moving costs). I would not try to micromanage what kind of job he gets. If he can't find a job in his field, he will need to do something, and it might well be that the service industry is that something. So what if he has to work late?

[Anonymous]

I think it is fair to charge him rent but save it for him without telling him and when he is ready to purchase a home give it back to him..

He would greatly appreciate it. Its hard to try to make it on our your own. Especially in the DC area home prices are on the rise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...

I'm surprised so many people are so surprised with rent. For 18 years we allowed him to live here rent free with the understanding that after he would be expected to live independently. Having him live with us would cost us more (more basic supplies, etc) so I think it is fair to pass these costs down to him.

I feel as though $500 is very fair, well below market rate for our neighborhood.

As for the curfew, it's not only just for respect, but also because I don't want him falling back on the service industry. Most restaurants have late hours and expect their employees to stay until 11-12 o'clock.

Wow, for 18 years you "allowed" your child to live with you rent free? The child you were legal guardian of? Are you out of your mind?

Do you think he's going to jump right into this government job or perhaps he'll need to fall bac on the service industry to pay you rent?

You sound like a witch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe any parents would charge their kid rent.

I thought it was very common for parents to charge their kids rent and put the money into an account to give the kids when they moved out?!

OP the curfew is confusing. Your goal is for your son to find a way to move forward in life. Curfew sounds like a distraction.