How do I convince family that I'm happy living a mediocre life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I applaud your lifestyle choices. However, could this be perhaps motivated by concern over your old age? As next of kin, caring for you will fall to them and their children if you are not prepared. I know you've inherited some money, but is it really going to be enough? What is the plan for you as a single, childless person to have care as you age? My sister is like you (without the inheritance) and I do sometimes wonder.

Lol.

NP here. Why is this funny?

After seeing what's involved in taking care of two aging family members, I also wonder about the futures of single, childless friends.

Maybe you didn't hear but we don't all live in a part of the world where daughters are expected to give up their own lives to care for aging parents.

Everyone needs to figure out their longterm plans, whether they have children or not. Your children are not a retirement plan.

I don't think this is just about having children. OP says she is working part time and implied she is not overly concerned about making money. Of course we don't know her situation, maybe she inherited millions, or maybe she lives very frugally and is socking away retirement money. But it is also possible that her free spirit means she just doesn't think that hard about the future. We also have a single, childless uncle like that in my family, and we absolutely worry about who will pay for him and take care of him as he ages.

And I have a sister like that as well. She's also a borderline hoarder. I sincerely think her plan B is living in my basement in retirement, but no way in heck would I ever allow that. She's avoided full-time work for literally years, and I don't see how she'll manage retirement if she doesn't hustle and earn some money soon. She's also been living off an inheritance, but it's not an infinite amount of money and it's not enough to secure her future.

And here we have the proof that you can't count on family to care for you - so why exactly do you think that having kids or not is some guarantee? You think your kids aren't going to be on some message board talking about their mom and dad who spent too much on their home in the DC inner suburbs and now can't afford to pay for whatever, but no way they can come move in with us?

OP gave no indication that she is in any kind of financial trouble. She indicated that the only issue here is that her siblings want her to be more achievement oriented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I applaud your lifestyle choices. However, could this be perhaps motivated by concern over your old age? As next of kin, caring for you will fall to them and their children if you are not prepared. I know you've inherited some money, but is it really going to be enough? What is the plan for you as a single, childless person to have care as you age? My sister is like you (without the inheritance) and I do sometimes wonder.

Lol.

NP here. Why is this funny?

After seeing what's involved in taking care of two aging family members, I also wonder about the futures of single, childless friends.

Maybe you didn't hear but we don't all live in a part of the world where daughters are expected to give up their own lives to care for aging parents.

Everyone needs to figure out their longterm plans, whether they have children or not. Your children are not a retirement plan.

I don't think this is just about having children. OP says she is working part time and implied she is not overly concerned about making money. Of course we don't know her situation, maybe she inherited millions, or maybe she lives very frugally and is socking away retirement money. But it is also possible that her free spirit means she just doesn't think that hard about the future. We also have a single, childless uncle like that in my family, and we absolutely worry about who will pay for him and take care of him as he ages.

And I have a sister like that as well. She's also a borderline hoarder. I sincerely think her plan B is living in my basement in retirement, but no way in heck would I ever allow that. She's avoided full-time work for literally years, and I don't see how she'll manage retirement if she doesn't hustle and earn some money soon. She's also been living off an inheritance, but it's not an infinite amount of money and it's not enough to secure her future.

And here we have the proof that you can't count on family to care for you - so why exactly do you think that having kids or not is some guarantee? You think your kids aren't going to be on some message board talking about their mom and dad who spent too much on their home in the DC inner suburbs and now can't afford to pay for whatever, but no way they can come move in with us?

OP gave no indication that she is in any kind of financial trouble. She indicated that the only issue here is that her siblings want her to be more achievement oriented.

Pp's point was that the family concern may be that op won't have the financial resources to last through retirement. They know how much she inherited, they may have concerns for her future. This may not just be "we're type A, you should be too", as op percieves it. Others are sharing stories of similar concerns. When people have kids, this is usually something the kids worry about. When people are single and don't have kids, this is something their siblings worry about.

[Anonymous]

To the PPs who are asking about the OP being childless, do you honestly think your children are going to care for you in old age? It's not the 1950s anymore, and kids grow up to have their own lives to lead. The OP is all the more in a better position to plan for her future because she doesn't have kids to (a) suck the life out of her and (b) financially drain her like what even adult kids do to their aging parents (e.g. the thread about the loser drug addict brother who freaked out a sister who was getting childcare help from their parents). So seriously, unless you're living in some society which embraces multigenerational living, don't delude yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs who are asking about the OP being childless, do you honestly think your children are going to care for you in old age? It's not the 1950s anymore, and kids grow up to have their own lives to lead. The OP is all the more in a better position to plan for her future because she doesn't have kids to (a) suck the life out of her and (b) financially drain her like what even adult kids do to their aging parents (e.g. the thread about the loser drug addict brother who freaked out a sister who was getting childcare help from their parents). So seriously, unless you're living in some society which embraces multigenerational living, don't delude yourself.

Have you dealt with aging parents, pp? We're not elephants who go off into the woods to die when it's our time. When we get older, we often need help, both minor and major, and usually children help their parents. That's what I did, and that's what most people I know do.

[Anonymous]

The problem is that you aren't doing what they value and you aren't showing them that you value something different. Your own words describe your life as unsatisfactory. So, change your descriptions to show that you actually enjoy your choices. Instead of describing your life as "part time", "not hurting others", "mediocre" and "not hurting myself", start trying to show the positives. It's all about spinning it in positive language.

I am so happy that I now have the freedom to do what I want, not what I have to. I do not miss being a part of the rat race where I exhaust myself working for someone else and having to live my life around my job. I now choose for myself what to do and when to do and that is so liberating. I feel so much healthier and more fulfilled setting my own priorities. When I worked, I felt that life was passing me by while I was at work. Now, I am actually doing what I want and not waiting for weekends or vacations to do what I want. You should try it. You might be happier with your life like I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you aren't doing what they value and you aren't showing them that you value something different. Your own words describe your life as unsatisfactory. So, change your descriptions to show that you actually enjoy your choices. Instead of describing your life as "part time", "not hurting others", "mediocre" and "not hurting myself", start trying to show the positives. It's all about spinning it in positive language.

I am so happy that I now have the freedom to do what I want, not what I have to. I do not miss being a part of the rat race where I exhaust myself working for someone else and having to live my life around my job. I now choose for myself what to do and when to do and that is so liberating. I feel so much healthier and more fulfilled setting my own priorities. When I worked, I felt that life was passing me by while I was at work. Now, I am actually doing what I want and not waiting for weekends or vacations to do what I want. You should try it. You might be happier with your life like I am.

NP here. This is so exactly right and I love the way your brain works, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs who are asking about the OP being childless, do you honestly think your children are going to care for you in old age? It's not the 1950s anymore, and kids grow up to have their own lives to lead. The OP is all the more in a better position to plan for her future because she doesn't have kids to (a) suck the life out of her and (b) financially drain her like what even adult kids do to their aging parents (e.g. the thread about the loser drug addict brother who freaked out a sister who was getting childcare help from their parents). So seriously, unless you're living in some society which embraces multigenerational living, don't delude yourself.

I posted above about my husband's uncle. It's not related to him being childless really, just that he never thought about anyone but himself, and clearly didn't think ability his future when he was working 20 hours a week 9 months a year. If he had a wife and kids, maybe they would have pushed him to work harder and plan for the future. Or at least there would be more people around to help physically care for him and contribute financially. OP's siblings probably worrybshe isn't putting away enough for retirement and it will be up to their children to care for her in their old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you aren't doing what they value and you aren't showing them that you value something different. Your own words describe your life as unsatisfactory. So, change your descriptions to show that you actually enjoy your choices. Instead of describing your life as "part time", "not hurting others", "mediocre" and "not hurting myself", start trying to show the positives. It's all about spinning it in positive language.

I am so happy that I now have the freedom to do what I want, not what I have to. I do not miss being a part of the rat race where I exhaust myself working for someone else and having to live my life around my job. I now choose for myself what to do and when to do and that is so liberating. I feel so much healthier and more fulfilled setting my own priorities. When I worked, I felt that life was passing me by while I was at work. Now, I am actually doing what I want and not waiting for weekends or vacations to do what I want. You should try it. You might be happier with your life like I am.

I agree with spinning it differently, except for the last two sentences. Op’s sibs probably are a bit jealous of her freedom and ease, even if they could set up their own lives to have a bit more themselves. If she says all this, it’s a clear dissing of their lives. Don’t fight judgment with judgment. Just live your best life and stop worrying what they think about you.

[Anonymous]

Oh and look into long term care insurance for your dotage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs who are asking about the OP being childless, do you honestly think your children are going to care for you in old age? It's not the 1950s anymore, and kids grow up to have their own lives to lead. The OP is all the more in a better position to plan for her future because she doesn't have kids to (a) suck the life out of her and (b) financially drain her like what even adult kids do to their aging parents (e.g. the thread about the loser drug addict brother who freaked out a sister who was getting childcare help from their parents). So seriously, unless you're living in some society which embraces multigenerational living, don't delude yourself.

Not to mention there’s no guarantee your kids will outlive you. This is such a sad way of thinking. Do your kids know you had them so they can wipe your butt when you’re 95 and infirm?

[Anonymous]

OP here - it's a combination of living frugally AND saving for retirement. I do not expect my siblings or their kids to care for me as I get older. There are numerous times where I've helped pick up the pieces for them in their life situations (kids, childcare, separations, etc) but I am completely not counting on anything in return. I don't ask them for anything.

As for how to phrase things - those are great points. I don't describe my own life as mediocre, but it is what others might describe it as - and not living up to my potential. I consider my life to be full, free, and with less stress. For the most part I feel very content with things. But there is always (or may always be) a disconnect between how I perceive my life (fulfilled), vs. how others do (mediocre). Many of you may be right that convincing is futile. I know they talk behind my back, and I'm sure things will come out during the holidays. Perhaps it is what it is, but it would be nice to have a family member be happy for me, instead of constantly casting judgment about not filling the mold, and being a bit of a black sheep.

In any case, thanks for the many replies. I'll keep them in mind these next couple of months.

[Anonymous]

Don’t try to convince them. Tell them you are happy, but their constant ‘concern’ makes spending time with them difficult, and for the sake of your relationship they need to accept you as you are and drop the commentary. Have this conversation once with each of them, in a serious fashion. After this, just say ‘I discussed this with you previously, am happy with my current life, and am not going to discuss it further.’ and change the subject, leave the room, etc. same canned response every time. If you can be absolutely consistent and not engage, they’ll stop.

They’re concern is coming from a good place, and especially as the youngest with deceased parents, isn’t surprising (I’m in that role too), but if you strongly stake your independence as an adult who doesn’t need parenting, they’ll get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I applaud your lifestyle choices. However, could this be perhaps motivated by concern over your old age? As next of kin, caring for you will fall to them and their children if you are not prepared. I know you've inherited some money, but is it really going to be enough? What is the plan for you as a single, childless person to have care as you age? My sister is like you (without the inheritance) and I do sometimes wonder.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Their attitude could be coming from a place of concern over your future, and maybe even what you might expect or ask of them down the road. Do you have enough money to support yourself in retirement, or do they worry that you will come asking them for money or support when your inheritance runs out in the years to come? Do they worry that you will be lonely without a partner in your future? I'm not saying that their prying questions or comments are fair or appropriate, I only point this out so that perhaps you can rethink how they are viewing this situation and tailor your responses accordingly.

This is my guess too. My husband's family is going through a very stressful time at the moment because the brother who didn't marry/have kids and who worked a part time job now needs lots of care. He also got an inheritance from his parents, but it wasn't nearly enough to fund his whole retirement. He got cancer and is recovering, but doesn't have any money to pay for home health care and there are big gaps in what Medicaid covers and what he needs. So he is now relying on nephews and nieces who are trying to raise their own kids and send them to college etc. I barely know him but definitely resent how he got to take it easy in his 30s and beyond while now DH and I have to pitch in to fund his care.

Why do you “have to” fund his care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs who are asking about the OP being childless, do you honestly think your children are going to care for you in old age? It's not the 1950s anymore, and kids grow up to have their own lives to lead. The OP is all the more in a better position to plan for her future because she doesn't have kids to (a) suck the life out of her and (b) financially drain her like what even adult kids do to their aging parents (e.g. the thread about the loser drug addict brother who freaked out a sister who was getting childcare help from their parents). So seriously, unless you're living in some society which embraces multigenerational living, don't delude yourself.

Not to mention there’s no guarantee your kids will outlive you. This is such a sad way of thinking. Do your kids know you had them so they can wipe your butt when you’re 95 and infirm?

My point exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I applaud your lifestyle choices. However, could this be perhaps motivated by concern over your old age? As next of kin, caring for you will fall to them and their children if you are not prepared. I know you've inherited some money, but is it really going to be enough? What is the plan for you as a single, childless person to have care as you age? My sister is like you (without the inheritance) and I do sometimes wonder.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Their attitude could be coming from a place of concern over your future, and maybe even what you might expect or ask of them down the road. Do you have enough money to support yourself in retirement, or do they worry that you will come asking them for money or support when your inheritance runs out in the years to come? Do they worry that you will be lonely without a partner in your future? I'm not saying that their prying questions or comments are fair or appropriate, I only point this out so that perhaps you can rethink how they are viewing this situation and tailor your responses accordingly.

This is my guess too. My husband's family is going through a very stressful time at the moment because the brother who didn't marry/have kids and who worked a part time job now needs lots of care. He also got an inheritance from his parents, but it wasn't nearly enough to fund his whole retirement. He got cancer and is recovering, but doesn't have any money to pay for home health care and there are big gaps in what Medicaid covers and what he needs. So he is now relying on nephews and nieces who are trying to raise their own kids and send them to college etc. I barely know him but definitely resent how he got to take it easy in his 30s and beyond while now DH and I have to pitch in to fund his care.

Why do you “have to” fund his care?

This! Having children isn't a guarantee of anything cos even if the uncle did have kids, they could be deadbeats and not give a damn. So many old pple in nursing homes are parents so that tells you something.