How do I convince family that I'm happy living a mediocre life?
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Anonymous
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I realize this is likely impossible, but wondering if anyone has any recommendations on getting the message across that despite being different from them, I'm actually content with things in my life.
Basic info: - 3 siblings, 2 older brothers, 1 older sister (I am the youngest) - parents are deceased - I am not married, do not have kids When the last of our parents passed away a few years ago, all of us inherited a fair amount, which we are lucky to have. For me it has afforded me the freedom to leave a more "prestigious" path that I was on (without going into identifying details). I have decided since, to not go down that road. I am quite content working part time, doing volunteer work during other times, and doing things that I enjoy in the rest of the time. Some might consider it "simple" or not living up to your potential, or mediocre, etc. For me though, it's fine - I feel much more content doing things that I actually like, with more free time. I think there are other ways to contribute to the world/society without 40-90 hour weeks. My siblings are very type A - they are obsessed with success, getting ahead in their careers, and are more status/achievement oriented. They are constantly doing, doing, doing, and it fulfills them. Which is fine, but it's not for me. They also find it concerning that I'm in my 30s and not married (even though one is in the process if getting divorced, 2 have had separations but reconciliations). Sure companionship would be nice as I get older, but I don't want to get married must to get married. I'm not afraid of being single, and I've never wanted kids. I have friends, I spend time with my nieces, nephews, friends kids, etc, and love it. I work here and there and do things that I like, and give back in other ways. Maybe it's mediocre, but it's sufficient for me. The holidays are coming up, and I'm tired of the questions. When I tell them I'm happy, they don't believe me, and can't see how I'm fulfilled. I also think they don't know how to explain me to their kids, because I don't fit the "do do do" paradigm. If it works for them and their families, more power to them. But my philosophy is that as long as you're not hurting others, and not hurting yourself, who cares? The challenge is that they *do* think I'm hurting myself by not living in the competitive race. Suggestions, please? |
Anonymous
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Change the language used. Your life isn’t mediocre. What other adjectives could you use to frame your life the way YOU see it?
I live in a 900 sq ft urban apt with my DH and tween DC. My siblings live in suburban McMansions. For years, they fought with me over my “tiny” apartment (then, 800 sq feet) where 4 people lived. When my older DC graduated and we decided to move, y siblings thought I’d “come to my senses”. We moved into a slightly bigger place even more urban. They were furious with my DH. Then, my older DC sent them a video that showed exactly why we (me, her SD, and sib) live here. It reframed everything in terms of walkability, convenience, less time spent cleaning and more family time. They finally could see that we weren’t living like “poor people” (cause that would be awful in their eyes), but actually a very cosmopolitan lifestyle with all the amenities of their suburban milieu at hand. Reframe your life. If not for them to see, than for you. Your happiness is what matters. |
Anonymous
| Why are you trying to convince them of anything? |
Anonymous
| Don’t even try to convince them. Whatever they think is okay, don’t let them impact you. |
Anonymous
| You don't need to convince them. Enjoy your life it sounds awesome! |
Anonymous
This. I work in local government as a lawyer and make far less than I’m capable of and even less than similarly sized counties. I rent an old house. I drive an older car. But I’m truly happy with my work and everyone knows it. I never really feel the need to defend myself to family or other people who make negative remarks because they just don’t bother me. I feel bad for the people out there who are obsessed with money, the newest cars and technology, the biggest houses in the nicest, newest area. But I don’t say anything negative to them either. Just let any comments roll off your back. The more responsive you are, it makes you look insecure. |
Anonymous
| You do you OP. But hopefully their bossiness comes from a good place. My parents have passed away and my siblings and I have a weird kind of non-intervention pact in terms of prying into one another's lives. Sometimes I wish I had been more pushy with my younger brother at a time when it could have made a difference. I realize belatedly his life would have gone a bit differently (job, marriage, kids) had our parents not died when he was still trying to figure out his life. |
Anonymous
| I agree with reframing it. Don't call your life mediocre! It sounds wonderful!! I would love to be able to afford to work part time, and have plenty of time for volunteering. |
Anonymous
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I have a child and am very frugal, but have a good career, make good money and buy most of the things I want to buy. I am also a single parent with very little help from the dad.
I have 3 siblings with no kids who chastise me for being "cheap". They always want me to spend more and do more, yet they are very very broke and none of them has a real job or any stability in their life. When they harass me about not blowing my money on stupid stuff like they do, I smile and ignore them, and think about all my assets and self-built six figure net worth. They know nothing about this and I keep it to myself, because then they'd just harass me for money even more than they already do if they knew how much I really have. I said all that to say, you should just ignore them OP. It's not their business what you do with your life. You're not bothering them. They're probably just a little jealous they don't have your life. |
Anonymous
This. |
Anonymous
| OP, I applaud your lifestyle choices. However, could this be perhaps motivated by concern over your old age? As next of kin, caring for you will fall to them and their children if you are not prepared. I know you've inherited some money, but is it really going to be enough? What is the plan for you as a single, childless person to have care as you age? My sister is like you (without the inheritance) and I do sometimes wonder. |
Anonymous
| I get it OP! I have a number of friends who have "dropped out" of standard UMC paths to considerable skepticism. What really matters is that you are actually happy (and financially secure). The more you can show that the better they will understand. |
Anonymous
| You don't have to convince them of anything. Live your life. |
Anonymous
| If you are living the life you want and they are not having to support you just say that your'e happy and be done with it. If they can't accept that you're happy then it's there problem not yours. |
Anonymous
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Your life sounds wonderful to me - though I am sorry you lost your parents, and that your sibs are difficult.
I guess I'd probably talk about things in terms of what feels meaningful to me. Talk about your volunteer work and how much it means to you. Talk about how lucky you are to be given the privilege to choose what you want. You might also just be straightforward with your sibs and say: guys, I love you, I appreciate your concern, but I am really happy and I would appreciate if you didn't always talk about me as if I shouldn't be, |