My daughter got beat up for bullying another child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm furious because my child is physically hurt. She came home with a black eye among other bruises. But I'm also upset that she was bullying another girl. She has been suspended for a week from school. I'm torn between sympathizing with my daughter because she's hurt and been crying a lot, but I also want to be stern and let her know bullying isn't tolerated. How should I handle this situation and prevent it from happening again?

My fury would be over the school not informing you of the bullying earlier. I wouldn't dwell too much about your daughter's injuries. You need to figure out what has been happening all this time, where your daughter has gone wrong in both her thinking and her behavior, and why. Maybe you should set up some scenarios and talk about them, like "what would you do if...?" situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is unbelievable. Apparently the other girl did the right thing - told an adult about the bullying - and nothing was done to stop it. So, she took matters in her own hands and beat your daughter up. And SHE is suspended? I don't want to pile on to you, OP, because it sounds like you're mad about the bullying as well, but I just have to add that if I was that other student's parent, I'd be fighting her suspension.

To answer your question, I think you should talk to your daughter about how her behavior made the other girl feel and that the other girl was so upset and felt she had no recourse but to fight. I'd also talk to your daughter about what her plans are when she goes back to school. I hate to say it, but sometimes bullies will escalate their bullying when something like this happens. if you are truly upset about the fact that your daughter bullied another girl, I'd talk to her about how she can be friendlier to this girl and to other girls.

+1. If it got to the point where my daughter had to physically fight back there is no way I would tolerate a suspension. I can't believe the bullied girl got a suspension past a day.

I agree. I cannot believe the school allowed this to go on for so long. That is pathetic. I think that school sucks and OPs daughter should have been suspended and the parents involved before it got to this point. My son was the victim of bullying when he was in MS and the school did a far better job at dealing with it than OP's daughter's school.

OP, as far as your daughter, I don't condone violence, but really, since nothing else made your daughter stop, what was the victim supposed to do? Sounds like she got what was coming to her both in terms of being beat up and the suspension. Also, you should know that bullying goes on the permanent record so she may have other future consequences as well - which she certainly deserves. I cannot believe how awful she was to this girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes bullies come out of nowhere and the parents do not bear the blame. I know one. This is horrible all around, please take it very seriously and partner with the school and professionals.

Yeah, I don't disagree, but the OP and OP's reply are clearly enabling this behavior. If she said, I just learned my daughter is a bully and I feel like I failed her as a parent, I don't know how to get the point across that this is absolutely unacceptable behavior, and I'm worried about the harm she's caused and for her future. Then I would give OP the benefit of the doubt. But she's furious that her bully daughter has a black eye and is worried that she's been crying? Plus she's falling for her daughter's lies? Nope, mom has a part in this and it did not come out of nowhere. Mom needs to do some serious self reflection and get herself and the daughter into counseling ASAP.

[Anonymous]

i would hope your daughter had gotten the longer suspension. Good for the other girl!! Figure out why your daughter is so nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset or mortified that your daughter lost the fight?

I'm upset that she was in one and got hurt.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not excusing what my daughter did at all. She seems very apologetic though. Earlier she was crying while talking to me about the situation. She told me she doesn't want to go back to school. Idk if she's embarrassed or scared but hearing that hurts.

-OP

I would have your daughter write an apologetic letter and deliver it to the girl she has been tormenting.

I'm not sure I agree with this, but in the event that a letter does get written, I certainly would be sure to read it before it got delivered. Reasons I wouldn't likely do it is that I wouldn't trust my daughter not to edit it and include something horrible given that she is displaying such awful behavior. And, it isn't fair for the bully to even go near the victim. For crying out loud, the victim needs to be left alone by OP's daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP - I wouldn't worry so much about why the school let your family down by allowing your daughter to go on this long. They did, but you have a bigger problem and acting contrite is more likely to get the school on your side than taking on the role of victim. I think it is great that the other girl responded this way. Both will come back to school and your daughter will wear the badge of someone who went too far. The humility will do her good.

Now, what are you going to do with your daughter to teach her kindness. I think she needs some new friends, but that is hard to pull off. I think she needs a zero tolerance policy at home toward any further interaction with this girl. Nurse her wounds and be kind about that, but do not project any of your own anger onto others in her presence.

Be careful not to demand that the other family allow your daughter to apologize. You are the supplicants here.

I think your daughter is grounded at least through halloween.

[Anonymous]

I would take your daughter out on a long, 4 hour hike, and let her get good and hungry, then take her to her favorite fast food restaurant and get a good burger or chicken sandwich and fries... then just when shes about to eat, pour your juice all over her sandwich and fries.

Tell her it is a "silly prank".

Ha ha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset or mortified that your daughter lost the fight?

I'm upset that she was in one and got hurt.

-OP

OP - a black eye heals. She will recover physically. It sounds pretty minor so be upset but her boo boos will heal before her pride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not excusing what my daughter did at all. She seems very apologetic though. Earlier she was crying while talking to me about the situation. She told me she doesn't want to go back to school. Idk if she's embarrassed or scared but hearing that hurts.

-OP

I would have your daughter write an apologetic letter and deliver it to the girl she has been tormenting.

I'm not sure I agree with this, but in the event that a letter does get written, I certainly would be sure to read it before it got delivered. Reasons I wouldn't likely do it is that I wouldn't trust my daughter not to edit it and include something horrible given that she is displaying such awful behavior. And, it isn't fair for the bully to even go near the victim. For crying out loud, the victim needs to be left alone by OP's daughter.

Ha! My kid got an appology like that once.

Dear Larlo.

I'm sorry I punched you. You shouldn't be so annoying but I still shouldn't have punched you.

Marlo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have five grown kids. 3 boys and 2 girls. None have ever been in any kind of fight. None have ever been accused of bullying. I've never been told by any teacher that my child has been unkind. I'm far, far from a perfect parent. But I did teach my children to be kind. Seems like you need to own a good part of this. I just don't have much sympathy for mean kids or for their parents. If I had my way, your daughter wouldn't be allowed back at school at all. You can pay for private school.

I don't know that OP knows what caused this - and the school is much at fault for failing to disclose to OP that a problem existed. OP, you get a lawyer yet? It might be the other kid that ends up paying for private school. And yes, I believe both kids were in the wrong - but I also have seen "bullying" proclaimed when there wasn't any "bullying". Administrators are as much watching for false claims as anything, as the school district does not want to be sued.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that getting the crap beat out of you by the person you've victimized is a pretty good lesson. I wouldn't belabor this...she's probably well aware of her terrible behavior and feels embarrassed.

When you do talk about it, just try to get closer to the "why" about what she did.

I agree.

And if it were my daughter who was bullying so severely, she would be grounded and lose her phone for a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes bullies come out of nowhere and the parents do not bear the blame. I know one. This is horrible all around, please take it very seriously and partner with the school and professionals.

Yeah, I don't disagree, but the OP and OP's reply are clearly enabling this behavior. If she said, I just learned my daughter is a bully and I feel like I failed her as a parent, I don't know how to get the point across that this is absolutely unacceptable behavior, and I'm worried about the harm she's caused and for her future. Then I would give OP the benefit of the doubt. But she's furious that her bully daughter has a black eye and is worried that she's been crying? Plus she's falling for her daughter's lies? Nope, mom has a part in this and it did not come out of nowhere. Mom needs to do some serious self reflection and get herself and the daughter into counseling ASAP.

I agree. But physical harm has enormous legal repercussions. Not OP here.

[Anonymous]

I hate to say this, but she deserved it.

[Anonymous]

I am shocked at how many parents are advocating physical violence. Apart from it not being very smart, it is not the right way to handle any situation. It tells me that the other child is equally at fault - if not more. OP's child is at fault, too - but physical violence is a whole new can of worms.