Aggressive Play in boys - UGH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they play a contact sport like football? If not they need to learn to take a hit. Put them in a martial art.

At 6 or 8 martial arts won't have any hitting of other kids.

Oh yes it does! My kid started doing tournamemts at 8 and thr boys AND girls kicked the living shit out of each other. I'm a mom to boys anand s was floored at how agressive and physical the girls were.

[Anonymous]

I don't agree with the PPs who are criticizing you for the playdates ending. If the kid is upset and ready to go, fine. I think it depends on the situation, but it's perfectly okay for kids to have limits and to want to take a break if things get to be too much. Stop for a moment and think about what the rhetoric would be if these were girls who not comfortable with a certain level of physicality or aggression. People would not be saying to "suck it up" and "boys will be boys" because we (hopefully, some of us) have now learned that this is exactly what perpetuates rape culture. I don't see why it's any different with boys. Boys have a right to have limits and to want the aggressive behavior to be curbed at some point.

I would support them as best you can and help them to see that they can say no and walk away when they want to, but that it doesn't have to be a big deal. They don't have to end a playdate because of it, unless the other person isn't willing to accept their "no." Help them learn how to say they need a break and go get some water or do something else for a few minutes to calm down and get away from it, and if they feel like going back to roughhousing, they can.

[Anonymous]

Just curious, does yiur DH get on the floor and wrestle with your boys? My boys libe wrestling, especially my 7yr old. Hes a tackler, loves running full speed and tackling just about anything. However, my DH has always bee a get on the floor roll around, flip em over kind of dad. Hes a human jungle gym. I really think that kind of interaction with their father gave them the safe space to be very physical ina very safe and positive way. So for them, wrestling is a bit affectionate and is definitely something one does outnof fun, not agression or from a mean place.

Maybe have your DH essentially role play with them so the rough physical contact isn't such a scary thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they play a contact sport like football? If not they need to learn to take a hit. Put them in a martial art.

At 6 or 8 martial arts won't have any hitting of other kids.

Juijitsu will

Jujitsu doesn't have any hitting, period. It's closer to wrestling than karate.

Takedown are the same as rough housing. The kids will not fall apart once he know being knocked to the ground is meaningless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with the PPs who are criticizing you for the playdates ending. If the kid is upset and ready to go, fine. I think it depends on the situation, but it's perfectly okay for kids to have limits and to want to take a break if things get to be too much. Stop for a moment and think about what the rhetoric would be if these were girls who not comfortable with a certain level of physicality or aggression. People would not be saying to "suck it up" and "boys will be boys" because we (hopefully, some of us) have now learned that this is exactly what perpetuates rape culture. I don't see why it's any different with boys. Boys have a right to have limits and to want the aggressive behavior to be curbed at some point.

I would support them as best you can and help them to see that they can say no and walk away when they want to, but that it doesn't have to be a big deal. They don't have to end a playdate because of it, unless the other person isn't willing to accept their "no." Help them learn how to say they need a break and go get some water or do something else for a few minutes to calm down and get away from it, and if they feel like going back to roughhousing, they can.

But if they are consistently crying to the point of having to go home after every time or nearly every time they get together with other boys, especially as old as these boys are, then one of two things are happening:

A) OPs boys are both being bullied every time they play with other boys (Not at all what she said)

Or

B) OPs boys are over reacting and possibly being coddled by mom (See OPs title of her post)

I am around boys that age and older All. The. Time.

And I have one sensitive, thoughtful boy and one sporty social boy. There is no way that the neighborhood boys are cosistently playing so unusually rough that OPs kids are always leaving crying to the point of having to stop the get togethers and the hanging out. Assuming we are talking about normal, active boys, there is no way they are playing that rough allthe time. If they were, more boys than OPs would also be coming home crying on a regular basis.

So OP really needs to look at these two things because they require different solutions. Is it bullying? That needs to be dealt with swiftly.

If it is not bullying, then her boys' over reactions needs to be fixed before it turns into bullying or isolation from the other boys. If her boys keep crying and running home over everything, eventually they are going to make themselves targets or the other kids are not going to want to play with them. Which might be fine, or it might not be.

But the over sensitive crying needs to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, does yiur DH get on the floor and wrestle with your boys? My boys libe wrestling, especially my 7yr old. Hes a tackler, loves running full speed and tackling just about anything. However, my DH has always bee a get on the floor roll around, flip em over kind of dad. Hes a human jungle gym. I really think that kind of interaction with their father gave them the safe space to be very physical ina very safe and positive way. So for them, wrestling is a bit affectionate and is definitely something one does outnof fun, not agression or from a mean place.

Maybe have your DH essentially role play with them so the rough physical contact isn't such a scary thing.

I am a family therapist and I cannot stress how important the bolded is. This sort of play between fathers and sons is so healthy and actually builds self esteem and confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, does yiur DH get on the floor and wrestle with your boys? My boys libe wrestling, especially my 7yr old. Hes a tackler, loves running full speed and tackling just about anything. However, my DH has always bee a get on the floor roll around, flip em over kind of dad. Hes a human jungle gym. I really think that kind of interaction with their father gave them the safe space to be very physical ina very safe and positive way. So for them, wrestling is a bit affectionate and is definitely something one does outnof fun, not agression or from a mean place.

Maybe have your DH essentially role play with them so the rough physical contact isn't such a scary thing.

I am a family therapist and I cannot stress how important the bolded is. This sort of play between fathers and sons is so healthy and actually builds self esteem and confidence.

Glad to hear this. My son and husband spar constantly!

OP, i think there's a balance between being sensitive and empathetic, and also encouraging their boys to find their own strength. Do you react dramatically to their sense of upset? If so, you may be inadvertently signalling to them that it's a big deal that can only be handled by walking away.

Most parents have the experience of a child tumbling and falling. They kind of look to your for a cue on how to react. If you look horrified and run to them right away, they will burst into tears and get very upset. If you say, you're okay! with a smile, they're likely to just move on to the next thing.

While not minimizing their feelings, maybe you can help your boys to find other ways to react than just crying and walking away. Again, perhaps using language assertively, maybe getting some space or taking a time out, etc.

You might want to read the Highly SEnsitive Child by Elaine Aronson, too. Some kids are sensitive, but you still need to help them find resilience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your 6 and 8 year old boys don't rough house with each other? They never tackle each other, jump on each other, push each other, wrestle each other? As I write this my 9 and 7 year olds are playfully trying to push each other off the couch.

OP here - they do, but not to the degree I've seen other siblings fight

OP, you need to realize they aren't fighting when they play like this, they are playing and sometimes when things get rougher they are figuring out how far they can escalate things before someone gets mad or hurt, then someone gets upset, then they figure out how to patch things up and get along.

[Anonymous]

OP, most of these posts are from women, so take what they say with a grain of salt as they know nothing about what it is like to be a boy.
First, don't blame yourself. Guys in the US have become puzzified over the last 20+ years. It is worse among kids not playing sports and it is far worse in urban areas

Second, forget about these stupid books and role playing garbage.

Third, your kids need to mentally overcome this fear now, as this will likely lead to other issues down the road. This is what happens when boys are treated like girls. I like what the counselor said above about kids wrestling with their father, but that is just a start. I think anything with physical contact will help. It doesn't necessarily have to be tae Kwon do or karate because sparring is so light that nobody really takes much damage. Wrestling or football would be great. Some conflict among kids can be really healthy. For example, punching someone in the face is a good way to build self esteem and set boundaries in certain situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with the PPs who are criticizing you for the playdates ending. If the kid is upset and ready to go, fine. I think it depends on the situation, but it's perfectly okay for kids to have limits and to want to take a break if things get to be too much. Stop for a moment and think about what the rhetoric would be if these were girls who not comfortable with a certain level of physicality or aggression. People would not be saying to "suck it up" and "boys will be boys" because we (hopefully, some of us) have now learned that this is exactly what perpetuates rape culture. I don't see why it's any different with boys. Boys have a right to have limits and to want the aggressive behavior to be curbed at some point.

I would support them as best you can and help them to see that they can say no and walk away when they want to, but that it doesn't have to be a big deal. They don't have to end a playdate because of it, unless the other person isn't willing to accept their "no." Help them learn how to say they need a break and go get some water or do something else for a few minutes to calm down and get away from it, and if they feel like going back to roughhousing, they can.

But if they are consistently crying to the point of having to go home after every time or nearly every time they get together with other boys, especially as old as these boys are, then one of two things are happening:

A) OPs boys are both being bullied every time they play with other boys (Not at all what she said)

Or

B) OPs boys are over reacting and possibly being coddled by mom (See OPs title of her post)

I am around boys that age and older All. The. Time.

And I have one sensitive, thoughtful boy and one sporty social boy. There is no way that the neighborhood boys are cosistently playing so unusually rough that OPs kids are always leaving crying to the point of having to stop the get togethers and the hanging out. Assuming we are talking about normal, active boys, there is no way they are playing that rough allthe time. If they were, more boys than OPs would also be coming home crying on a regular basis.

So OP really needs to look at these two things because they require different solutions. Is it bullying? That needs to be dealt with swiftly.

If it is not bullying, then her boys' over reactions needs to be fixed before it turns into bullying or isolation from the other boys. If her boys keep crying and running home over everything, eventually they are going to make themselves targets or the other kids are not going to want to play with them. Which might be fine, or it might not be.

But the over sensitive crying needs to stop.

OP here. It's definitely not every time, not even the majority of the times, but there have been times they've been too upset to recover and get back into playing. But to me, it's enough of a problem that I need to address it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, does yiur DH get on the floor and wrestle with your boys? My boys libe wrestling, especially my 7yr old. Hes a tackler, loves running full speed and tackling just about anything. However, my DH has always bee a get on the floor roll around, flip em over kind of dad. Hes a human jungle gym. I really think that kind of interaction with their father gave them the safe space to be very physical ina very safe and positive way. So for them, wrestling is a bit affectionate and is definitely something one does outnof fun, not agression or from a mean place.

Maybe have your DH essentially role play with them so the rough physical contact isn't such a scary thing.

I am a family therapist and I cannot stress how important the bolded is. This sort of play between fathers and sons is so healthy and actually builds self esteem and confidence.

Glad to hear this. My son and husband spar constantly!

OP, i think there's a balance between being sensitive and empathetic, and also encouraging their boys to find their own strength. Do you react dramatically to their sense of upset? If so, you may be inadvertently signalling to them that it's a big deal that can only be handled by walking away.

Most parents have the experience of a child tumbling and falling. They kind of look to your for a cue on how to react. If you look horrified and run to them right away, they will burst into tears and get very upset. If you say, you're okay! with a smile, they're likely to just move on to the next thing.

While not minimizing their feelings, maybe you can help your boys to find other ways to react than just crying and walking away. Again, perhaps using language assertively, maybe getting some space or taking a time out, etc.

You might want to read the Highly SEnsitive Child by Elaine Aronson, too. Some kids are sensitive, but you still need to help them find resilience.

OP here, DH has never wrestled with them and I always wondered why. I doubt his dad wrestled with him. Ironicallly, he's gotten into Jiu Jitsu and sometimes coaches my boys, and they really enjoy it. He was in the military and definitely is focused on teaching them how to be assertive and defend themselves.

I don't overreact to my kids when they get upset. I try to stay as neutral as possible because I want their honest take on the situation, and I know that often there is a misinterpretation or misunderstanding of the situation on their part. I do empathize and I do not subscribe to the "be a man" philosophy of raising boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, does yiur DH get on the floor and wrestle with your boys? My boys libe wrestling, especially my 7yr old. Hes a tackler, loves running full speed and tackling just about anything. However, my DH has always bee a get on the floor roll around, flip em over kind of dad. Hes a human jungle gym. I really think that kind of interaction with their father gave them the safe space to be very physical ina very safe and positive way. So for them, wrestling is a bit affectionate and is definitely something one does outnof fun, not agression or from a mean place.

Maybe have your DH essentially role play with them so the rough physical contact isn't such a scary thing.

I am a family therapist and I cannot stress how important the bolded is. This sort of play between fathers and sons is so healthy and actually builds self esteem and confidence.

Glad to hear this. My son and husband spar constantly!

OP, i think there's a balance between being sensitive and empathetic, and also encouraging their boys to find their own strength. Do you react dramatically to their sense of upset? If so, you may be inadvertently signalling to them that it's a big deal that can only be handled by walking away.

Most parents have the experience of a child tumbling and falling. They kind of look to your for a cue on how to react. If you look horrified and run to them right away, they will burst into tears and get very upset. If you say, you're okay! with a smile, they're likely to just move on to the next thing.

While not minimizing their feelings, maybe you can help your boys to find other ways to react than just crying and walking away. Again, perhaps using language assertively, maybe getting some space or taking a time out, etc.

You might want to read the Highly SEnsitive Child by Elaine Aronson, too. Some kids are sensitive, but you still need to help them find resilience.

OP here, DH has never wrestled with them and I always wondered why. I doubt his dad wrestled with him. Ironicallly, he's gotten into Jiu Jitsu and sometimes coaches my boys, and they really enjoy it. He was in the military and definitely is focused on teaching them how to be assertive and defend themselves.

I don't overreact to my kids when they get upset. I try to stay as neutral as possible because I want their honest take on the situation, and I know that often there is a misinterpretation or misunderstanding of the situation on their part. I do empathize and I do not subscribe to the "be a man" philosophy of raising boys.

Your H already does Jiu Jitsu, have the boys take classes. It will be a great way for them to bond.

It will build their self confidence and it will make them tough. BTW I would say that about a girl too, Jiu Jitsu ... you fight off you back, which could come in handy for a girl in college. Everybody needs to be tough, know how to defend themselves.

Also, my kids have a "safe word".... "im not having fun anymore" or "not fun" and the other has to stop immediately.

Both my son's have used Jui Jitsu with bullies (kids that physically attacked them at camp) and it is a non-violent way to hold the kid down until the counselor could help.

[Anonymous]

Some kids are more sensitive than others. You already know life is going to be harder for them if they are the boys who are always crying after rough-housing.

But, that may just be who they are. Maybe talk to them about how to walk away from the game BEFORE they are so upset. And I would also talk to them about owning their piece of it: the other kids are not getting as upset; therefore, the other kids have a different standard of "too much." Therefore, your kids need to communicate clearly what their limits are (or not join in the free-for-alls). Or, they need to be more careful with themselves; the other kids are fine with rougher play and aren't going to realize when they've crossed your kids' line.

[Anonymous]

I am a father with sons. We're black so my view on aggressive behavior is probably different than others.

I make it 100 percent clear that my sons are not to lay a hand on anyone. When they were kids I made it clear that they need to steer completely away from rough housing, etc. I do this because they are big guys and when shit goes sideways -- like it inevitably will -- they will never, ever get the benefit of the doubt of "boys being boys."

That said, my sons are great athletes, good students, respectful and keep themselves out of trouble. They are older now, high school and college, but I drill it into them -- they cannot behave in an aggressive way, ever. It's not safe and life threatening at worse.

This is the sort of category of parenting that I put things like partying, drinking, drugs, etc. Sure, do kids rough house? Yeah. But when your son breaks some other kids bone (or worse) and your ass is sued or your son is arrested (because this happens on the regular for fighting in public schools for example), my guys are not going to get the benefit of the doubt and their lives could be ruined.

But go ahead on about the wussification of men, PPs. It's easy to be a bad ass, pick fights, be aggressive, walk around with your guns (or whatever "macho" man violent thing you do to show the world you're a man) when you know that you won't be murdered for it.

[Anonymous]

As the mom of two boys, roughhousing is normal. However, your older child (the 8 year old) should be in a position to know what is "too much" or "crossing the line" most of the time. The 6 year old will probably get it wrong more frequently.