Aggressive Play in boys - UGH

[Anonymous]

My sons are 8 and 6, and at the age where their friends' play is very physical and aggressive. My boys are both on the sensitive side and become upset if they get hurt or if someone crosses some (unknown) boundary of aggression. They take it very personally and play dates have ended as a reesult. Does anyone else encounter this? How do I help my kids take this less personally, or identify their own boundaries so they know when to walk away? I'm worried that kids will not want to play with them, or some bully-types will target them because of this.

[Anonymous]

At that age (especially for the older one), I've found it more effective to reenact what happened and role play different ways of responding rather than try to lay it out in broad concepts. My kids tell me what happened and why they were upset, we brainstorm other ways they could have responded, and then think through how it might have gone differently with a different response to help them figure out for themselves what to do next time. If you give me an example of something that's happened, I can try to illustrate it for you.

[Anonymous]

Do they play a contact sport like football? If not they need to learn to take a hit. Put them in a martial art.

[Anonymous]

My son is tough but sensitive, if that makes sense. I've seen him and his friends take turns rough housing and then someone, usually the same two, end up angry or in tears.

We have worked with him on using his voice to let his friends know when things are getting too out of hand. Role play situations and practice. We've also encouraged him to not have certain groups of kids over together from the neighborhood. It gets too wild and overwhelming. They are all good kids but it is a learning process for all of them to know their strength and limits. Sometimes it's better to play one on one with certain friends.

[Anonymous]

We've trained our dog to bite our kids' friends when they get too rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've trained our dog to bite our kids' friends when they get too rough.

mama boys in the making

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they play a contact sport like football? If not they need to learn to take a hit. Put them in a martial art.

At 6 or 8 martial arts won't have any hitting of other kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would focus on your kids getting involved in a sport like karate to get more resiliance.

I would also focus on more one on one playing and not the big neighborhood gang playing if they are really that upset by rough play. If they are playing in a big group of boys, it is going to get rough at times. That is how boys that age play.

Also look at how you respind to the rough play. Do you give them an incentive to getting upset over rough play? For example, if you son comes in crying that someone threw the ball too hard or shoved him during capture the flag, do you immediately react in an indignant way about what happened, then cuddle or comfort your kid? Or do you kiss the bump then tell him to brush it off and go play? It could very well be that you are reinforcing your kids' (for lack of a better word) wimpiness when they play, which in turn makes them continue to react with sensitivity which can in turn make them more of a target.

[Anonymous]

How do they play with each other, OP? Do they ever bring each other to tears? How does that end?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they play a contact sport like football? If not they need to learn to take a hit. Put them in a martial art.

At 6 or 8 martial arts won't have any hitting of other kids.

Juijitsu will

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they play a contact sport like football? If not they need to learn to take a hit. Put them in a martial art.

At 6 or 8 martial arts won't have any hitting of other kids.

Juijitsu will

I'm another PP who didn't respond to the martial arts comment but it's not a bad idea. Tae kwon do was great for my children's self confidence. They teach them to use it as self defense but to use it if it is never needed. Fighting/sparring is not the focus at the beginning but the self confidence and inner strength they gained was more valuable than most lessons from school. And have translated well to other areas in their lives.

[Anonymous]

My boy can be rough at times, and one of his friends is fairly sensitive and very kind (which is exacerbated by the fact that mom is very sensitive of anyone even slightly hurting her child).
I found that the best way is just to restrict the roughhouse play with this particular friend. He does not appear to be a bully target. A lot of girls like playing with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sons are 8 and 6, and at the age where their friends' play is very physical and aggressive. My boys are both on the sensitive side and become upset if they get hurt or if someone crosses some (unknown) boundary of aggression. They take it very personally and play dates have ended as a reesult. Does anyone else encounter this? How do I help my kids take this less personally, or identify their own boundaries so they know when to walk away? I'm worried that kids will not want to play with them, or some bully-types will target them because of this.

Tell them to toughen up, OP. Seriously. Becoming "upset" if they get hurt, taking things so personally and getting their feelings hurt is not something to encourage in little boys. They need to grow out of this. Can your DH work with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they play a contact sport like football? If not they need to learn to take a hit. Put them in a martial art.

At 6 or 8 martial arts won't have any hitting of other kids.

Juijitsu will

Jujitsu doesn't have any hitting, period. It's closer to wrestling than karate.

[Anonymous]

I have a boy this age and the boys really are rough. I don't think the answer is to toughen up your kids but to have them become more confident about verbalizing when they are starting to become uncomfortable. I think it's important that your children be clear with their friends rather than have the rough play start and then have everyone leave in confusion and tears.

I've been surprised at how smart DS and his friends are about which children can take the physical horsing around and which ones can't.

DS will literally be roll around in a field wrestling with some of his friends but he knows that other friends don't like this type of play. Some have special needs. Some are just more sensitive. He is still friends with all of them. They just participate in different activities together. As a parent I personally like the kids who don't like rough play better!