Aggressive Play in boys - UGH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they play a contact sport like football? If not they need to learn to take a hit. Put them in a martial art.

At 6 or 8 martial arts won't have any hitting of other kids.

Juijitsu will

Jujitsu doesn't have any hitting, period. It's closer to wrestling than karate.

Wrestling is another good idea actually. My son's self confidence and physical strength improved tremendously in one season of the sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to toughen up, OP. Seriously. Becoming "upset" if they get hurt, taking things so personally and getting their feelings hurt is not something to encourage in little boys. They need to grow out of this. Can your DH work with them?

What decade is this? I thought we grew out of teaching boys that they had to be testosterone-driven asshats who weren't allowed to have or express feelings but it's okay if they beat their wives when the bottled up emotions finally explode...

The fact that you think the husband needs to work with them... "Here, honey, yell at the boys until they man up while I go make dinner and clean up the house and cry over Hallmark commercials."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a boy this age and the boys really are rough. I don't think the answer is to toughen up your kids but to have them become more confident about verbalizing when they are starting to become uncomfortable. I think it's important that your children be clear with their friends rather than have the rough play start and then have everyone leave in confusion and tears.

I've been surprised at how smart DS and his friends are about which children can take the physical horsing around and which ones can't.

DS will literally be roll around in a field wrestling with some of his friends but he knows that other friends don't like this type of play. Some have special needs. Some are just more sensitive. He is still friends with all of them. They just participate in different activities together. As a parent I personally like the kids who don't like rough play better!

+1
My kids (boy and girl) both enjoy roughhousing -- but they are very aware of who likes to join in and who doesn't. They don't seem to care about the ones that don't. They move on to something non-physical.

OP, I'd suggest you role play with your sons about how to say "I'm not into roughhousing" in a casual, confident way, so they don't feel defensive about it. "Wrestling isn't my thing. Can we play soccer instead?" kind of way.

[Anonymous]

Wait? You said it has ended play dates? Who is ending them? You mean you send the kids home?

You need to teach your kids to be be very clear with other kids when they are being too rough. If they do not listen, you take a small break, but you do not have to send a kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to toughen up, OP. Seriously. Becoming "upset" if they get hurt, taking things so personally and getting their feelings hurt is not something to encourage in little boys. They need to grow out of this. Can your DH work with them?

What decade is this? I thought we grew out of teaching boys that they had to be testosterone-driven asshats who weren't allowed to have or express feelings but it's okay if they beat their wives when the bottled up emotions finally explode...

The fact that you think the husband needs to work with them... "Here, honey, yell at the boys until they man up while I go make dinner and clean up the house and cry over Hallmark commercials."

It sounds like op is babying them. I do think their father needs to get involved and tell them to quit whining over everything. Boys this age are too old to be so sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they play a contact sport like football? If not they need to learn to take a hit. Put them in a martial art.

At 6 or 8 martial arts won't have any hitting of other kids.

Juijitsu will

Jujitsu doesn't have any hitting, period. It's closer to wrestling than karate.

Wrestling is another good idea actually. My son's self confidence and physical strength improved tremendously in one season of the sport.

+1

I'm the PP who said jujitsu was more like wrestling. My husband takes classes twice a week, and we want our DS to take classes at his gym when he's old enough (in a year).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to toughen up, OP. Seriously. Becoming "upset" if they get hurt, taking things so personally and getting their feelings hurt is not something to encourage in little boys. They need to grow out of this. Can your DH work with them?

What decade is this? I thought we grew out of teaching boys that they had to be testosterone-driven asshats who weren't allowed to have or express feelings but it's okay if they beat their wives when the bottled up emotions finally explode...

The fact that you think the husband needs to work with them... "Here, honey, yell at the boys until they man up while I go make dinner and clean up the house and cry over Hallmark commercials."

It sounds like op is babying them. I do think their father needs to get involved and tell them to quit whining over everything. Boys this age are too old to be so sensitive.

Don't you have better things to do? Like beat your wife or fly your confederate flag or something?

[Anonymous]

So your 6 and 8 year old boys don't rough house with each other? They never tackle each other, jump on each other, push each other, wrestle each other? As I write this my 9 and 7 year olds are playfully trying to push each other off the couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait? You said it has ended play dates? Who is ending them? You mean you send the kids home?

You need to teach your kids to be be very clear with other kids when they are being too rough. If they do not listen, you take a small break, but you do not have to send a kid

I meant it in general terms, like, we're at a neighborhood event or at the pool. So not play date so much as playtime, and it's basically over when my kids get so upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to toughen up, OP. Seriously. Becoming "upset" if they get hurt, taking things so personally and getting their feelings hurt is not something to encourage in little boys. They need to grow out of this. Can your DH work with them?

What decade is this? I thought we grew out of teaching boys that they had to be testosterone-driven asshats who weren't allowed to have or express feelings but it's okay if they beat their wives when the bottled up emotions finally explode...

The fact that you think the husband needs to work with them... "Here, honey, yell at the boys until they man up while I go make dinner and clean up the house and cry over Hallmark commercials."

It sounds like op is babying them. I do think their father needs to get involved and tell them to quit whining over everything. Boys this age are too old to be so sensitive.

I don't baby them. I do listen and empathize, and like another PP said, maybe I should just kiss them and encourage them to brush it off. But that won't give them the social / communication / conflict resolution skills to deal with these situations and change the way they interpret them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait? You said it has ended play dates? Who is ending them? You mean you send the kids home?

You need to teach your kids to be be very clear with other kids when they are being too rough. If they do not listen, you take a small break, but you do not have to send a kid

I meant it in general terms, like, we're at a neighborhood event or at the pool. So not play date so much as playtime, and it's basically over when my kids get so upset.

Are you rewarding them for being upset?

Or do you tell them to roll with it?

If they are getting that upset that often, then they are getting upset by things that are fairly tame and not truly rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your 6 and 8 year old boys don't rough house with each other? They never tackle each other, jump on each other, push each other, wrestle each other? As I write this my 9 and 7 year olds are playfully trying to push each other off the couch.

OP here - they do, but not to the degree I've seen other siblings fight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait? You said it has ended play dates? Who is ending them? You mean you send the kids home?

You need to teach your kids to be be very clear with other kids when they are being too rough. If they do not listen, you take a small break, but you do not have to send a kid

I meant it in general terms, like, we're at a neighborhood event or at the pool. So not play date so much as playtime, and it's basically over when my kids get so upset.

Are you rewarding them for being upset?

Or do you tell them to roll with it?

If they are getting that upset that often, then they are getting upset by things that are fairly tame and not truly rough.

I tell them to roll with it, usually. I remind my older son that he is not necessarily being picked on, that boys play rough, and if he looks around he'll see other kids rolling around and getting a little hurt. I don't vilify the other kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they play a contact sport like football? If not they need to learn to take a hit. Put them in a martial art.

At 6 or 8 martial arts won't have any hitting of other kids.

Juijitsu will

Jujitsu doesn't have any hitting, period. It's closer to wrestling than karate.

Wrestling is another good idea actually. My son's self confidence and physical strength improved tremendously in one season of the sport.

+1

I'm the PP who said jujitsu was more like wrestling. My husband takes classes twice a week, and we want our DS to take classes at his gym when he's old enough (in a year).

My older son plays lacrosse and football, and they're both great outlets for him. He has also taken karate and wrestling, and my husband does Jiu Jitsu and is introducing him to it. But even with those skills, he takes these things so *personally* like, why would someone hurt me like that?" instead of just brushing it off or even retaliating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At that age (especially for the older one), I've found it more effective to reenact what happened and role play different ways of responding rather than try to lay it out in broad concepts. My kids tell me what happened and why they were upset, we brainstorm other ways they could have responded, and then think through how it might have gone differently with a different response to help them figure out for themselves what to do next time. If you give me an example of something that's happened, I can try to illustrate it for you.

This is a great suggestion.

BTW, OP, think you sound like you're doing an awesome job with your boys. If they can grow up to be sensitive yet resilient, able to talk things out when they are not happy, that would be the best of both worlds, the ideal!