DH and I don't drink: how to unwind/get romantic

[Anonymous]

No orgasm with dh or no orgasm at all? If the latter then explore your own body and figure out what you like. If that doesn't work then you need to consult someone for that issue first.
As far as intimacy, massage, going to bed naked, no screens in the bedroom. Cooking naked under an apron (something non stove involved like a salad and baguette sandwich).

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation. Drinking wasn't really a factor (we both drink but drinking didn't help, so I don't believe you have to drink to have a satisfying sex life).

My husband's libido was low because he was feeling emasculated, in some ways by me, and in other ways by life circumstances out of our control. He was unsatisfied professionally, embarrassed about some financial issues, and not feeling great health wise. I was the breadwinner at the time, and I was in better financial shape.

In terms of my issues, I'd never had an orgasm with anyone else, but got into a pattern of faking it, which made things worse. I couldn't communicate that my partners needed to do things differently because as far as they were concerned (based on my fake response) they were doing everything right.

Fast forward: our lifestyle and circumstances have changed and DH's libido changed with it. So it may be worth talking with him about your lives together and how those arrangements are making everyone feel about themselves.

In terms of your orgasm issue, focus on figuring out how to achieve physical satisfaction, and i think the easiest way is to do it by yourself first. If you're having problems achieving an orgasm on your own, start by talking to your OB to rule out physical issues. If your husband becomes a willing and eager partner, he'll likely be happy to follow any guidance you give him once you know what works for you.

But it sounds like these are two separate issues, both of equal importance, that you'll need to address separately first.

One last question: does HE know you've never had an orgasm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never had an orgasm. 39 y/o.

My husband has almost no libido.

Recently I've really been wanting to focus on intimacy.

Everything I read says "have a glass of wine and" before trying anything.

Neither of us drink. What else can we do to fully relax and help with the mood?

Foot rubs that progress up to calf, then knees, then thighs ........

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New sexual partner(s).

That's what I was thinking.

Maybe OP and her husband just aren't sexually attracted to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Foot rubs that progress up to calf, then knees, then thighs ........

gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't drink either and quite frankly... we do not have the issues you've mentioned. Your concerns are not the consequence of a "dry lifestyle." 39 years old and never??? How can that possibly be?

Not surprising. I know many women in that situation.

My friend who grew up in a strict (non-Abrahamic religion) household. She married at 18 and learned about sex from her mother after the ceremony. The first time she actually saw a penis was after she had a baby.

A cousin who has seen a sex therapist and still can't.

My former SIL who was an atheist, but was almost raped when abducted at age 17 and fears loss of control.

Female plumbing is complex. Add any emotional or mental barriers and it's hard. Top all that with work stress, kids underfoot, health issues, etc. Well, somethings you can't vibrate away.

I figured it out around age 30.

How did she get pregnant and not see a penis?

They always do it in the dark, mostly clothed. He also washes immediately afterwards.

Hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Foot rubs that progress up to calf, then knees, then thighs ........

gross.

Really?
Wow. Just wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never had an orgasm. 39 y/o.

My husband has almost no libido.

Recently I've really been wanting to focus on intimacy.

Everything I read says "have a glass of wine and" before trying anything.

Neither of us drink. What else can we do to fully relax and help with the mood?

Cunnilingus

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone says find a sex therapist and yet no one can recommend and affordable one that's taking new patients.

Ask your gyn for a referral?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone says find a sex therapist and yet no one can recommend and affordable one that's taking new patients.

Yes... that's because not many people need that kind of specialist, yet most of us know which expert is needed for which disease. Heart problem, cardiologist. Thyroid, endocrinologist. Etc, etc. No orgasm, libido issues? Sex therapist. Doesn't that seem logical to you?

And, perhaps you can do the search yourself, since you're the patient?

Perhaps you can be less of an ass? Are are you this obtuse when people ask for doctor recommendations on here as well? Unbelievable...

Not obtuse, you just seem very whiny about this. Take charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone says find a sex therapist and yet no one can recommend and affordable one that's taking new patients.

Ask your gyn for a referral?

New poster: Yes, please consider sex therapy as well as the techniques some PPs are suggesting.

But also: Both you and DH should get physical checkups and be honest with your doctors about the lack of drive/lack of orgasm. Rule out physical issues that might be affecting you. DH should get tested to check his testosterone levels etc. You should have a frank talk with your gyn about your lack of orgasms. And OP, are you on the pill or any other form of hormone based birth control? The pill can really kill libido for some women and in your case could be affecting your body's reactions to sex. Ask the gyn about changing your BC if you use any.

Is either of you on other meds for anything? Many types of meds can affect libido, so if your DH is on ANY med he and you should check with the doctor about it. Sometimes doctors just do not think about the sexual side effects of meds and don't mention them so patients don't connect their sexual issues to a med they're taking.

I'd start as soon as possible with physicals, hormone tests, your gyn and then an effort on both your parts to initiate sex even when DH isn't feeling it. Getting away from your own home and from your routines and obligations can help.

And then a sex therapist if the effort doesn't work. It may take time to build a sex life and it will require patience and understanding as well as a willingness to talk very honestly with each other. Are you and DH communicating clearly and compassionately with each other about what each of you wants? Are you both invested in working on this or is the effort one-sided--? These questions are truly where a therapist is essential.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean when you say "focus more on intimacy"? Do you mean simply your own pleasure, or do you mean bonding with your husband via sexual and physical closeness?
Do you know why he has no desire? Does he? If not, I would urge a physical and have them test for low t, which can only be picked up in a blood test. It is not a routine test, so he will need to ask for it. How does he sleep? Does he excersize?
As for you, do you know what feels good? I'd suggest you do some self exploring either alone or with your husband next to you.
Know that sex therapists are professionals, and if they cannot deal with your position on drinking, then they are not serving you well.
I'd also suggest you look at some of the Mormon teachings on sex within marriage. They are very healthy if you get to the right sources, I'd start with The Ensign which is the church magazine. Also look at lds.org which is the church web site.
I suggest all this because neither of you drink, and because you I assume want to remain in the marriage or at least try to. This coupled with a physical should get you going. I'd also suggest you have a physical too. I am assuming that he isn't gay, and that you are not a lesbian, if you are, or he is, then the Mormon approach will not help you.
You do mention "an aforadable" therapist, and I am wondering if that is code for "I don't want to spend money". Know that divorce isn't easy or cheap either. You will note that aside from the physicals, my other suggestions won't cost you anything.I wish both of you well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone says find a sex therapist and yet no one can recommend and affordable one that's taking new patients.

Yes... that's because not many people need that kind of specialist, yet most of us know which expert is needed for which disease. Heart problem, cardiologist. Thyroid, endocrinologist. Etc, etc. No orgasm, libido issues? Sex therapist. Doesn't that seem logical to you?

And, perhaps you can do the search yourself, since you're the patient?

Perhaps you can be less of an ass? Are are you this obtuse when people ask for doctor recommendations on here as well? Unbelievable...

Not obtuse, you just seem very whiny about this. Take charge.

OP here, this wasn't my response. But thank you for saying I'm whiny.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've never had an orgasm. Ever. I feel like I'm broken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone says find a sex therapist and yet no one can recommend and affordable one that's taking new patients.

Yes... that's because not many people need that kind of specialist, yet most of us know which expert is needed for which disease. Heart problem, cardiologist. Thyroid, endocrinologist. Etc, etc. No orgasm, libido issues? Sex therapist. Doesn't that seem logical to you?

And, perhaps you can do the search yourself, since you're the patient?

Perhaps you can be less of an ass? Are are you this obtuse when people ask for doctor recommendations on here as well? Unbelievable...

Not obtuse, you just seem very whiny about this. Take charge.

OP here, this wasn't my response. But thank you for saying I'm whiny.

Really? This is the only thing you responded to?