360-lb family member... No plans to lose weight. Odds of heart attack?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting discussion.

Fat people should not be judged as we would judge people with other addictions, like alcohol, drugs, etc. Right?

Weight should not be used as a proxy for health.

I think someone who eats crap and never moves and is angry all the time and unable to hold down a financially rewarding job is going to have health problems, yes. But I think that's regardless of where those behaviors send the numbers on the scale.

You can't hate people for their own good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting discussion.

Fat people should not be judged as we would judge people with other addictions, like alcohol, drugs, etc. Right?

Weight should not be used as a proxy for health.

I think someone who eats crap and never moves and is angry all the time and unable to hold down a financially rewarding job is going to have health problems, yes. But I think that's regardless of where those behaviors send the numbers on the scale.

You can't hate people for their own good.

Once you get into morbid obesity, I think weight is a valid proxy for health. The morbidly obese rarely have a clean bill of health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy?

He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time.

Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.

To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him, because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy?

He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time.

Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.

To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him, because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him.

The correct frequency is "never."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy?

He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time.

Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.

To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him, because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him.

Why exhaust yourself being concerned for him? He's an adult, you can't make him do anything, and taking any sort of parental action to make him change his ways is out of bounds. He's responsible for himself -- he has a $2000/month allowance, and, if he's not capable of holding a job when his parents aren't around to coddle him, he can apply for SSDI or other assistance. Caring for someone is not the same as having to assume responsibility for them. I have family members who make poor decisions, including those related to their health, and commenting on those decisions has never made a difference or improved a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy?

He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time.

Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.

To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him, because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him.

I think your parents aren't doing him any favors by paying his living expenses. Why can't he get a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy?

He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time.

Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.

To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him, because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him.

See, earlier you said you were worried he would die young and make his parents sad; now the truth comes out that you are worried he will live a long time and be a burden, presumably on you. You are still thinking about how his life affects you. You are not his parent, his child, or his spouse, so just leave him alone about his weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy?

He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time.

Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.

To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him, because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him.

See, earlier you said you were worried he would die young and make his parents sad; now the truth comes out that you are worried he will live a long time and be a burden, presumably on you. You are still thinking about how his life affects you. You are not his parent, his child, or his spouse, so just leave him alone about his weight.

OMG.

All of these concerns are valid. It is ok to love someone and want them to live a long life, and yet know that they probably won't. These feelings can exist simultaneously.

And when family members have a history of making bad decisions, it is wise to think ahead about the implications on your life - where they will live and how they will support themselves, and if your family will need to provide financial assistance and/or a place to live. Hopefully the parents will leave money for this guy, but if not, the siblings will probably end up getting involved in one way or another.

You seem enormously defensive.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he is suffering from depression and is overeating to feel better. Being obese does not cause you to skip bathing, never come out of your room, and fail to hold a job. Obesity may be the result rather than the cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy?

He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time.

Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.

To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him, because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him.

See, earlier you said you were worried he would die young and make his parents sad; now the truth comes out that you are worried he will live a long time and be a burden, presumably on you. You are still thinking about how his life affects you. You are not his parent, his child, or his spouse, so just leave him alone about his weight.

OMG.

All of these concerns are valid. It is ok to love someone and want them to live a long life, and yet know that they probably won't. These feelings can exist simultaneously.

And when family members have a history of making bad decisions, it is wise to think ahead about the implications on your life - where they will live and how they will support themselves, and if your family will need to provide financial assistance and/or a place to live. Hopefully the parents will leave money for this guy, but if not, the siblings will probably end up getting involved in one way or another.

You seem enormously defensive.

Are you OP? There is nothing, nothing she can do to force him to lose weight. Bitching at him, even "rarely," and counting the McDonald's bags in his car and starting concern trolling threads on the internet are NOT going to help. There clearly is a lot going on with this man, and yet OP only cares about his weight and who will take care of him later in life. What if he were 180 pounds and smelly and unemployed, angry and living in his parents basement? Would everything be fine then because he's a normal weight? Of course not. But OP didn't ask how to help someone who is clearly depressed or mentally ill--she wants to complain about how he fakes eating healthy in front of family and then sneaks McDonalds.

I advised OP to stop worrying about his weight and work on her own feelings. It's rule number one about family dynamics - you can't change another person, only your own response. I'm surprised you've never heard that before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy?

He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time.

Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.

To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him, because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him.

See, earlier you said you were worried he would die young and make his parents sad; now the truth comes out that you are worried he will live a long time and be a burden, presumably on you. You are still thinking about how his life affects you. You are not his parent, his child, or his spouse, so just leave him alone about his weight.

OMG.

All of these concerns are valid. It is ok to love someone and want them to live a long life, and yet know that they probably won't. These feelings can exist simultaneously.

And when family members have a history of making bad decisions, it is wise to think ahead about the implications on your life - where they will live and how they will support themselves, and if your family will need to provide financial assistance and/or a place to live. Hopefully the parents will leave money for this guy, but if not, the siblings will probably end up getting involved in one way or another.

You seem enormously defensive.

Are you OP? There is nothing, nothing she can do to force him to lose weight. Bitching at him, even "rarely," and counting the McDonald's bags in his car and starting concern trolling threads on the internet are NOT going to help. There clearly is a lot going on with this man, and yet OP only cares about his weight and who will take care of him later in life. What if he were 180 pounds and smelly and unemployed, angry and living in his parents basement? Would everything be fine then because he's a normal weight? Of course not. But OP didn't ask how to help someone who is clearly depressed or mentally ill--she wants to complain about how he fakes eating healthy in front of family and then sneaks McDonalds.

I advised OP to stop worrying about his weight and work on her own feelings. It's rule number one about family dynamics - you can't change another person, only your own response. I'm surprised you've never heard that before.

You need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy?

He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time.

Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.

To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him, because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him.

See, earlier you said you were worried he would die young and make his parents sad; now the truth comes out that you are worried he will live a long time and be a burden, presumably on you. You are still thinking about how his life affects you. You are not his parent, his child, or his spouse, so just leave him alone about his weight.

OMG.

All of these concerns are valid. It is ok to love someone and want them to live a long life, and yet know that they probably won't. These feelings can exist simultaneously.

And when family members have a history of making bad decisions, it is wise to think ahead about the implications on your life - where they will live and how they will support themselves, and if your family will need to provide financial assistance and/or a place to live. Hopefully the parents will leave money for this guy, but if not, the siblings will probably end up getting involved in one way or another.

You seem enormously defensive.

Are you OP? There is nothing, nothing she can do to force him to lose weight. Bitching at him, even "rarely," and counting the McDonald's bags in his car and starting concern trolling threads on the internet are NOT going to help. There clearly is a lot going on with this man, and yet OP only cares about his weight and who will take care of him later in life. What if he were 180 pounds and smelly and unemployed, angry and living in his parents basement? Would everything be fine then because he's a normal weight? Of course not. But OP didn't ask how to help someone who is clearly depressed or mentally ill--she wants to complain about how he fakes eating healthy in front of family and then sneaks McDonalds.

I advised OP to stop worrying about his weight and work on her own feelings. It's rule number one about family dynamics - you can't change another person, only your own response. I'm surprised you've never heard that before.

You're silly. This is a place where people come to vent. Her worries are legitimate and your telling her to be quiet and "work on her own issues" (what would these be?) are not helpful.

Perhaps she cannot get him to change, but she's right to be concerned that his issues will affect her life, finances and family. This is a "family relationships" forum and she is probably looking for input from others who have dealt with similar situations.

You need to chill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy?

He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time.

Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.

To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him, because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him.

See, earlier you said you were worried he would die young and make his parents sad; now the truth comes out that you are worried he will live a long time and be a burden, presumably on you. You are still thinking about how his life affects you. You are not his parent, his child, or his spouse, so just leave him alone about his weight.

OMG.

All of these concerns are valid. It is ok to love someone and want them to live a long life, and yet know that they probably won't. These feelings can exist simultaneously.

And when family members have a history of making bad decisions, it is wise to think ahead about the implications on your life - where they will live and how they will support themselves, and if your family will need to provide financial assistance and/or a place to live. Hopefully the parents will leave money for this guy, but if not, the siblings will probably end up getting involved in one way or another.

You seem enormously defensive.

Are you OP? There is nothing, nothing she can do to force him to lose weight. Bitching at him, even "rarely," and counting the McDonald's bags in his car and starting concern trolling threads on the internet are NOT going to help. There clearly is a lot going on with this man, and yet OP only cares about his weight and who will take care of him later in life. What if he were 180 pounds and smelly and unemployed, angry and living in his parents basement? Would everything be fine then because he's a normal weight? Of course not. But OP didn't ask how to help someone who is clearly depressed or mentally ill--she wants to complain about how he fakes eating healthy in front of family and then sneaks McDonalds.

I advised OP to stop worrying about his weight and work on her own feelings. It's rule number one about family dynamics - you can't change another person, only your own response. I'm surprised you've never heard that before.

You're silly. This is a place where people come to vent. Her worries are legitimate and your telling her to be quiet and "work on her own issues" (what would these be?) are not helpful.

Perhaps she cannot get him to change, but she's right to be concerned that his issues will affect her life, finances and family. This is a "family relationships" forum and she is probably looking for input from others who have dealt with similar situations.

You need to chill.

I said "work on her own feelings" and I stand by that. I see you are not going to address my point about OP's seeming disregard for the poor man's situation other than focusing on his weight. Like another PP stated, it's entirely possible that his weight is a result of his other issues, not vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy?

He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time.

Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.

To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him, because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him.

See, earlier you said you were worried he would die young and make his parents sad; now the truth comes out that you are worried he will live a long time and be a burden, presumably on you. You are still thinking about how his life affects you. You are not his parent, his child, or his spouse, so just leave him alone about his weight.

I worry about both things! Are they mutually exclusive? Hell yeah I worry! What sort of person would I be if I didn't have these concerns for a family member? I talk to him almost everyday, he does to a certain extent rely on me to help him with odd bits and bobs. Sometimes, I want to cut him off and not help because I don't agree with his life choices and I don't want to be complicit in them. Other times, I realize that I may one day be the only person willing to help him or caring about him. It's not so cut and dry.

And I haven't mentioned his weight to him in at least two years.

[Anonymous]

My FIL was over 300 lbs for the last 30 years of his life. He died of brain cancer at age 73. All the posts on here are wrapped up in the fat issue, to shame or not to shame, yes it's terribly unhealthy, blah blah. OP's subsequent post says her relative sometimes doesn't come out of his room or bathe regularly. That's not because he's fat. Address that issue.

My 300+ lb FIL was a much-beloved school teacher and, in retirement, was out and about every day, as much as his knee pain would let him. He was involved in community issues, politics, our lives, and was a generally wonderful person to be around. You can be those things when you're fat, even when you're eating McDonald's. Get off the fat thing. The relative seems to have much bigger issues.