Reply to 360-lb family member... No plans to lose weight. Odds of heart attack?

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Reply to "360-lb family member... No plans to lose weight. Odds of heart attack?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy? [/quote]
He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time. [/quote]
Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.
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To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him,[b] because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him[/b].

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See, earlier you said you were worried he would die young and make his parents sad; now the truth comes out that you are worried he will live a long time and be a burden, presumably on you. You are still thinking about how his life affects you. You are not his parent, his child, or his spouse, so just leave him alone about his weight.[/quote]

OMG.

All of these concerns are valid. It is ok to love someone and want them to live a long life, and yet know that they probably won't. These feelings can exist simultaneously.

And when family members have a history of making bad decisions, it is wise to think ahead about the implications on your life - where they will live and how they will support themselves, and if your family will need to provide financial assistance and/or a place to live. Hopefully the parents will leave money for this guy, but if not, the siblings will probably end up getting involved in one way or another.

You seem enormously defensive.[/quote]

Are you OP? There is nothing, nothing she can do to force him to lose weight. Bitching at him, even "rarely," and counting the McDonald's bags in his car and starting concern trolling threads on the internet are NOT going to help. There clearly is a lot going on with this man, and yet OP only cares about his weight and who will take care of him later in life. What if he were 180 pounds and smelly and unemployed, angry and living in his parents basement? Would everything be fine then because he's a normal weight? Of course not. But OP didn't ask how to help someone who is clearly depressed or mentally ill--she wants to complain about how he fakes eating healthy in front of family and then sneaks McDonalds.

I advised OP to stop worrying about his weight and work on her own feelings. It's rule number one about family dynamics - you can't change another person, only your own response. I'm surprised you've never heard that before.[/quote]

You're silly. This is a place where people come to vent. Her worries are legitimate and your telling her to be quiet and "work on her own issues" (what would these be?) are not helpful.

Perhaps she cannot get him to change, but she's right to be concerned that his issues will affect her life, finances and family. This is a "family relationships" forum and she is probably looking for input from others who have dealt with similar situations.

You need to chill.

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