360-lb family member... No plans to lose weight. Odds of heart attack?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy?

He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time.

Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.

To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him, because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him.

See, earlier you said you were worried he would die young and make his parents sad; now the truth comes out that you are worried he will live a long time and be a burden, presumably on you. You are still thinking about how his life affects you. You are not his parent, his child, or his spouse, so just leave him alone about his weight.

OMG.

All of these concerns are valid. It is ok to love someone and want them to live a long life, and yet know that they probably won't. These feelings can exist simultaneously.

And when family members have a history of making bad decisions, it is wise to think ahead about the implications on your life - where they will live and how they will support themselves, and if your family will need to provide financial assistance and/or a place to live. Hopefully the parents will leave money for this guy, but if not, the siblings will probably end up getting involved in one way or another.

You seem enormously defensive.

Are you OP? There is nothing, nothing she can do to force him to lose weight. Bitching at him, even "rarely," and counting the McDonald's bags in his car and starting concern trolling threads on the internet are NOT going to help. There clearly is a lot going on with this man, and yet OP only cares about his weight and who will take care of him later in life. What if he were 180 pounds and smelly and unemployed, angry and living in his parents basement? Would everything be fine then because he's a normal weight? Of course not. But OP didn't ask how to help someone who is clearly depressed or mentally ill--she wants to complain about how he fakes eating healthy in front of family and then sneaks McDonalds.

I advised OP to stop worrying about his weight and work on her own feelings. It's rule number one about family dynamics - you can't change another person, only your own response. I'm surprised you've never heard that before.

You're silly. This is a place where people come to vent. Her worries are legitimate and your telling her to be quiet and "work on her own issues" (what would these be?) are not helpful.

Perhaps she cannot get him to change, but she's right to be concerned that his issues will affect her life, finances and family. This is a "family relationships" forum and she is probably looking for input from others who have dealt with similar situations.

You need to chill.

I said "work on her own feelings" and I stand by that. I see you are not going to address my point about OP's seeming disregard for the poor man's situation other than focusing on his weight. Like another PP stated, it's entirely possible that his weight is a result of his other issues, not vice versa.

Regardless, his weight will probably continue to increase and affect his health and ability to work - as it already is. Whether the depression caused the weight gain or vice versa, it is likely that when the parents die, her family will have to help in some way.

We don't know that he is a "poor man." He sounds lazy and undisciplined, and appears to be using his parents instead of getting a job. I don't see him as a victim here.

[Anonymous]

OP, why doesn't he work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy?

He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time.

Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.

To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him, because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him.

See, earlier you said you were worried he would die young and make his parents sad; now the truth comes out that you are worried he will live a long time and be a burden, presumably on you. You are still thinking about how his life affects you. You are not his parent, his child, or his spouse, so just leave him alone about his weight.

OMG.

All of these concerns are valid. It is ok to love someone and want them to live a long life, and yet know that they probably won't. These feelings can exist simultaneously.

And when family members have a history of making bad decisions, it is wise to think ahead about the implications on your life - where they will live and how they will support themselves, and if your family will need to provide financial assistance and/or a place to live. Hopefully the parents will leave money for this guy, but if not, the siblings will probably end up getting involved in one way or another.

You seem enormously defensive.

Are you OP? There is nothing, nothing she can do to force him to lose weight. Bitching at him, even "rarely," and counting the McDonald's bags in his car and starting concern trolling threads on the internet are NOT going to help. There clearly is a lot going on with this man, and yet OP only cares about his weight and who will take care of him later in life. What if he were 180 pounds and smelly and unemployed, angry and living in his parents basement? Would everything be fine then because he's a normal weight? Of course not. But OP didn't ask how to help someone who is clearly depressed or mentally ill--she wants to complain about how he fakes eating healthy in front of family and then sneaks McDonalds.

I advised OP to stop worrying about his weight and work on her own feelings. It's rule number one about family dynamics - you can't change another person, only your own response. I'm surprised you've never heard that before.

You're silly. This is a place where people come to vent. Her worries are legitimate and your telling her to be quiet and "work on her own issues" (what would these be?) are not helpful.

Perhaps she cannot get him to change, but she's right to be concerned that his issues will affect her life, finances and family. This is a "family relationships" forum and she is probably looking for input from others who have dealt with similar situations.

You need to chill.

I said "work on her own feelings" and I stand by that. I see you are not going to address my point about OP's seeming disregard for the poor man's situation other than focusing on his weight. Like another PP stated, it's entirely possible that his weight is a result of his other issues, not vice versa.

I work on my own feelings all the time. I have a family--husband, three kids, two dogs--I work very hard, and I really try to balance being available to him, kind, and yet firm with how much I participate in his life. This is a very difficult situation. He can be very angry and blame all of us for his problems. If it matters, he is my older half brother (54) by twenty-three years... We are my dad's only two kids and the only of each of our moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his quality of life? I mean, is he happy?

He is unmarried, lives with his parents, unemployed, very angry all the time.

Well, these are what need to be addressed. The weight is most likely a byproduct of all of these other issues.

To all the PPs who have accused me of being insensitive, we rarely comment on his weight. I think everyone is very gentle with him. He sometimes doesn't leave his room for days or bathe for weeks. Occasionally, we will ask him to improve his hygiene. He has had some health issues and claims that they have opened his eyes but he continues with his same habits. He eats healthy in front of family but he has a car and it is littered with McDonald's bags.

He has a small income of about $500/week from a family trust, so he isn't completely destitute. His living expenses are mostly taken care of by his parents. It's just very exhausting being concerned for him, because I worry what will happen 15-20 years from now and who will be responsible for him.

See, earlier you said you were worried he would die young and make his parents sad; now the truth comes out that you are worried he will live a long time and be a burden, presumably on you. You are still thinking about how his life affects you. You are not his parent, his child, or his spouse, so just leave him alone about his weight.

OMG.

All of these concerns are valid. It is ok to love someone and want them to live a long life, and yet know that they probably won't. These feelings can exist simultaneously.

And when family members have a history of making bad decisions, it is wise to think ahead about the implications on your life - where they will live and how they will support themselves, and if your family will need to provide financial assistance and/or a place to live. Hopefully the parents will leave money for this guy, but if not, the siblings will probably end up getting involved in one way or another.

You seem enormously defensive.

Are you OP? There is nothing, nothing she can do to force him to lose weight. Bitching at him, even "rarely," and counting the McDonald's bags in his car and starting concern trolling threads on the internet are NOT going to help. There clearly is a lot going on with this man, and yet OP only cares about his weight and who will take care of him later in life. What if he were 180 pounds and smelly and unemployed, angry and living in his parents basement? Would everything be fine then because he's a normal weight? Of course not. But OP didn't ask how to help someone who is clearly depressed or mentally ill--she wants to complain about how he fakes eating healthy in front of family and then sneaks McDonalds.

I advised OP to stop worrying about his weight and work on her own feelings. It's rule number one about family dynamics - you can't change another person, only your own response. I'm surprised you've never heard that before.

You're silly. This is a place where people come to vent. Her worries are legitimate and your telling her to be quiet and "work on her own issues" (what would these be?) are not helpful.

Perhaps she cannot get him to change, but she's right to be concerned that his issues will affect her life, finances and family. This is a "family relationships" forum and she is probably looking for input from others who have dealt with similar situations.

You need to chill.

I said "work on her own feelings" and I stand by that. I see you are not going to address my point about OP's seeming disregard for the poor man's situation other than focusing on his weight. Like another PP stated, it's entirely possible that his weight is a result of his other issues, not vice versa.

I work on my own feelings all the time. I have a family--husband, three kids, two dogs--I work very hard, and I really try to balance being available to him, kind, and yet firm with how much I participate in his life. This is a very difficult situation. He can be very angry and blame all of us for his problems. If it matters, he is my older half brother (54) by twenty-three years... We are my dad's only two kids and the only of each of our moms.

OP why does he not work?

He is 54 and living with your parents still?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why doesn't he work?

He has untreated mental illness, and he is incapable of properly socializing. We have been unable to get him to treat his mental illness. He is afraid of doctors and medicine. So yes, it runs much deeper than his weight. I have been well aware of this for years. He did have a job until 5 years ago, he was a coin dealer.

[Anonymous]

Sounds very much like a member of my family. I've just given up. I've tried everything but nothing seems to make him want to change.

Living with the parents is the first problem. They need to stop enabling him. He doesn't have any motivation so long as there is a roof over his head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds very much like a member of my family. I've just given up. I've tried everything but nothing seems to make him want to change.

Living with the parents is the first problem. They need to stop enabling him. He doesn't have any motivation so long as there is a roof over his head.

Here is the thing, I don't think I will ever be able to give up on him. In some ways, he is begging for our continued support. He talks about his life like it hasn't started yet. He talks about when he will get married and have kids. He talks about all the things he wants to do and the future. He is angry, but he is also generous and loving! There are so many layers to this onion. He loves my kids, he is so sweet to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds very much like a member of my family. I've just given up. I've tried everything but nothing seems to make him want to change.

Living with the parents is the first problem. They need to stop enabling him. He doesn't have any motivation so long as there is a roof over his head.

Here is the thing, I don't think I will ever be able to give up on him. In some ways, he is begging for our continued support. He talks about his life like it hasn't started yet. He talks about when he will get married and have kids. He talks about all the things he wants to do and the future. He is angry, but he is also generous and loving! There are so many layers to this onion. He loves my kids, he is so sweet to them.

Then you need to make a plan with your parents for his ongoing care. Maybe they can leave him the house and he can live on his annuity and disability or social security. My husband's sister is like this and we have made it clear with his parents that she cannot live with us for various reasons.

[Anonymous]

I am fat myself, need to lose about 60 lbs. I have fat relatives. One is a female almost 400 lbs. Just looking at her breaks my heart. I don't think there is anything I could do or say that would help her.

It occurred to me that there is really no good excuse for anybody, men or women, being 200+ pounds overweight. I think there should be a law that if you hit a certain weight, like 200 lbs over normal (or maybe even 100?) you have to enter a treatment center and stay there until you are under the limit. Insurance has to cover it and if the person doesn't have insurance, the government has to cover it.

I think this would save the taxpayers millions or billions of dollars in health care and it would save many many lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds very much like a member of my family. I've just given up. I've tried everything but nothing seems to make him want to change.

Living with the parents is the first problem. They need to stop enabling him. He doesn't have any motivation so long as there is a roof over his head.

Here is the thing, I don't think I will ever be able to give up on him. In some ways, he is begging for our continued support. He talks about his life like it hasn't started yet. He talks about when he will get married and have kids. He talks about all the things he wants to do and the future. He is angry, but he is also generous and loving! There are so many layers to this onion. He loves my kids, he is so sweet to them.

Then you need to make a plan with your parents for his ongoing care. Maybe they can leave him the house and he can live on his annuity and disability or social security. My husband's sister is like this and we have made it clear with his parents that she cannot live with us for various reasons.

Our dad is married to my mom who is... the same age as him. She is an unbelievable step-mother and I don't think he can deny that, she really cares for him and has done everything to be a caring mother figure to him. His mom died when he was 18. My dad met my mom when he was 21 and they married two years later, I was born a year after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds very much like a member of my family. I've just given up. I've tried everything but nothing seems to make him want to change.

Living with the parents is the first problem. They need to stop enabling him. He doesn't have any motivation so long as there is a roof over his head.

Here is the thing, I don't think I will ever be able to give up on him. In some ways, he is begging for our continued support. He talks about his life like it hasn't started yet. He talks about when he will get married and have kids. He talks about all the things he wants to do and the future. He is angry, but he is also generous and loving! There are so many layers to this onion. He loves my kids, he is so sweet to them.

This is so sad. I hope things improve for him eventually.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I agree with the angry poster. You are taking your half-brother's problems and trying to solve them. You don't need to do that. In fact, you can't do that. And being exhausted from worrying about him is pointless. Perhaps well-intentioned, perhaps coming from a good place, but pointless anyway. Try to come to some acceptance about who he is. And maybe talk to your parents about what the plan for him is, as he is a dependent right now.


As for your original question, I am not sure what the odds are that he will die from a heart attack or something else. But usually I see people like this pass away in a slow process of lingering sicknesses. Which sucks. The whole situation sucks, honestly. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can look up the odds of a heart attack yourself, I'm sure. Your post frankly sounds a little condescending (his parents will be so sad!), and the fact that you have begged him to change his habits to no avail means it's time to butt out.

See if you can work on your ability to accept and love your family members the way they are. It can be devastating to fat people to know that they are being monitored and judged continually by those who are supposed to love them unconditionally.

I love my family members and want them to be with our family for as long as possible. How is that condescending or judgmental?

You think he is a fat, angry loser (no job and lives with parents) and you wonder why I think you're judgemental? You are begging him in person to lose weight and then act disappointed when he doesn't oblige you. It's incredibly condescending to think that someone needs to run their lives in a way that accommodates YOUR feelings (I love him and want him here!). Give me some statistics so I can try to frighten him into changing for me! I will use his parents to try to guilt him into changing for me!
ME ME ME!

It's NOT ABOUT YOU. He is an adult and you do not get to tell him how to live. If you love him, you will stop badgering him and shut the hell up. Doesn't he have enough problems without having to manage your needs, too?

Wow.

The PP is correct. I'm the pp with the heavy husband (the second pp with the heavy husband). I hear the things people say to him. I used to say things like that myself, but he opened my eyes to how unhelpful that shit is. People say things to him on the street, family members offer unsolicited opinions and advice. HE KNOWS HE'S HEAVY. He would like not to be! He really doesn't need to hear people expressing their opinions on his body, even when they do so out of love.

So, two questions:

1) why did he let this happen to himself?

2) what is he doing about it?

[Anonymous]

Good family friend is 400+Lbs and mid-50s with elementary age children. His immediate family has tried all kinds of things with him but you can't force change on someone. They have to help themselves. I hope and pray that he lives a long life for his kids sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can look up the odds of a heart attack yourself, I'm sure. Your post frankly sounds a little condescending (his parents will be so sad!), and the fact that you have begged him to change his habits to no avail means it's time to butt out.

See if you can work on your ability to accept and love your family members the way they are. It can be devastating to fat people to know that they are being monitored and judged continually by those who are supposed to love them unconditionally.

I love my family members and want them to be with our family for as long as possible. How is that condescending or judgmental?

You think he is a fat, angry loser (no job and lives with parents) and you wonder why I think you're judgemental? You are begging him in person to lose weight and then act disappointed when he doesn't oblige you. It's incredibly condescending to think that someone needs to run their lives in a way that accommodates YOUR feelings (I love him and want him here!). Give me some statistics so I can try to frighten him into changing for me! I will use his parents to try to guilt him into changing for me!
ME ME ME!

It's NOT ABOUT YOU. He is an adult and you do not get to tell him how to live. If you love him, you will stop badgering him and shut the hell up. Doesn't he have enough problems without having to manage your needs, too?

Wow.

The PP is correct. I'm the pp with the heavy husband (the second pp with the heavy husband). I hear the things people say to him. I used to say things like that myself, but he opened my eyes to how unhelpful that shit is. People say things to him on the street, family members offer unsolicited opinions and advice. HE KNOWS HE'S HEAVY. He would like not to be! He really doesn't need to hear people expressing their opinions on his body, even when they do so out of love.

So, two questions:

1) why did he let this happen to himself?

2) what is he doing about it?

And one for you: Why is it any of your business?