3 mos in, are we done?
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Anonymous
It doesn't seem like you have a good grasp on what this means. |
Anonymous
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It's hard to know what's going on here because you describe feeling a push-pull dynamic. We only have this latest scenario, and I think you realize now what your part was in it. It's reasonable for him to go away for a number of days, it's reasonable for him not to be in a great mood when he's sick.
Are you making a big deal out of that because you're generally insecure and needy? Or because there are bigger push-pull dynamics and one instance of a disconnect get you flared up? I applaud you for not introducing your child yet and making other prudent decisions. I was divorced and dating with kids, so I understand. You won't regret taking that part slowly. I question how slowly you've taken other things if you are this worked up now. You seem to have a lot of expectations because you seem disappointed and upset now. Do you feel that your needs are not being met on a regular basis? That's a bad sign. Have you expressed to him that the super early "I love you" and other things are moving really fast for your preference? How does he respond to that? |
Anonymous
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I think the push pull is entirely in you. He might be part of it too, but from what you've reported you are the one going slow, p putting on the breaks, etc--which is FINE and appropriate when you have a young child. But it also seems to me that you enjoy the fact that he's been the pursuer and the minute you have one small incident that suggests he's just taking a moment breather you freak out. There needs to be room for him to have space, to take things slowly, etc, as well, and if you've been the one putting the brakes on this whole time and suddenly you're upset because he's putting on the brakes, its confusing all around. Plus, stuff like this happens in a relationship. You're three months in, he's sick and just was't that enthusiastic right before a big trip. And you immediately think he's suddenly running away. Maybe he is, or maybe he is just sick and not at his best. But what you showed him is that he's not allowed to have the same hesitancy as you are--that you are allowed to set when, how much/and the tone of the relationship but he is not.
a more appropriate response would be-if you got there and sensed he was 'off'--to not make it all about you but instead say "It seems that you're really not well. I'm sorry, is there anything I can bring you? I hope you have a great trip"--and then follow up the next day with "I hope you're feeling better and I really look forward to seeing you when you're back." Instead, he's already feeling crappy and then you've unloaded on him even more stuff to feel crappy about because he was not living up to expectations that you had not, until that moment, expressed. |
Anonymous
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PP here. also, meant to say, the "all or nothing" mentality after one off night is worrying. Do you have a lot of anxiety? Product of divorced parents? I once dated someone who took every mood of mine as a direct indication of how I felt about him. it was EXHAUSTING and in the end it was a self fulfilling prophecy. I was so tired of defending my feelings and expressions and behavior because he was so insecure that I did, in fact, start to pull back.
all that being said, Its also a red flag if someone is going too fast too soon. So, yes, he may be the get excited/fizzle out fast type but if he's not , give him some space. |
Anonymous
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Not to digress...but why did you even decide to go see him after dinner with friends? I would've gone home and spent some time with my 5 yo old?
You're leaving for a business trip the next day and you choose going over to his place than being with your daughter...after being out all night with friends? |
Anonymous
this is nice. perhaps if you wanted to play games you would skip it or make it shorter but this nice and honest and a good guy would appreciate it. now lay low and see what happens. and let us know! |
Anonymous
| Not to scare you but he sounds like a narcissist . They start out string and then play games. Another option is he is immature and fickle. It's hard not to get worked up with guys like this. Believe me , I've been in your shoes. If you still want to be with him and it sounds like you do, be cautious and let him be the pursuer. He may be only at it for the chase. It's sad, but this is how some men are. I too found myself very attracted to this type of guy. It can be exhausting and I was constantly analyzing every interaction I had with him. OP- let us know how this plays out. In the meantime, look up characteristics of a narcissist . They can be so charming. |
Anonymous
| You got love bombed by a narcissist. Run. Your instincts are right |
Anonymous
Dinner was 7p. My 5 yo goes to bed at 8p. The trip we took today was not business; it was DD and I together to see my parents and extended family. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think you are noticing his hot/cold behavior more often than just this one instance. Right? It is not a good sign when a guy is in a big rush to accelerate a relationship really quickly in the beginning ... possibly faster than you felt comfortable ... then start sending weird push/pull signals. It keeps you off balance and uneasy because you cannot figure out if it's you, your imagination, or him actually sending mixed signals. In such a case, if often IS him sending mixed signals whether intentionally or not.
I am not saying it's over. I am just saying that you should pay attention to your feelings of unease. You don't sound immature or needy, despite other posters accusation. You might want to read up a bit on emotional availability at the link below. Good luck. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/ |
Anonymous
| Thanks PP, I appreciate the benefit of the doubt. Despite losing my cool the other night in what was admittedly not my finest moment, I generally am not needy. As a mild/mod introvert, alone time is crucial for me to recharge (and maybe is for him too). As for being immature, single parenting in a responsible way will beat that out of you real quick. But you are correct, this isn't the first time I've felt thrown by what seems to be an inconsistent dynamic. It's not big stuff, but I'm a pretty direct communicator and the number of times we've had misunderstandings about plans, while not constant, is oddly frequent. Just something I've noticed. Anyway the timing of our respective trips is probably a blessing; I certainly need a breather to get my head together and just be my best self. That's what I would have regardless of the outcome here, so that's my plan. |
Anonymous
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He does seem to be moving a little too fast for you and I can totally understand that you would like things to progress in a more organic fashion.
I would turn things down a notch and see how he reacts. This may make or break the relationship but at least you will know if it was meant to be. |
Anonymous
These are some of the first issues that cropped up in my relationship with my narcissist husband. Eventually whatever I said, asked for, preferred, wanted, needed, etc. was never met, completed, etc. It was passive aggressively ignored. |
Anonymous
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NP here.
OP, I interpret your post to mean that you aren't so much upset about not being able to spend time with him. You're upset about the change in his tone -- that he seemed so into you, and now he just seems "meh" about seeing or not seeing you. You are right to see this as a red flag. I've dated two guys like this in the past. Both were older than I was at the time. Both pursued me hard, made huge declarations of love, seemed all into me, and then, when they had me, when I started to reciprocate the interest, they seemed sort of indifferent. The first one ended up cheating on me and breaking up with me. I was devastated. The second time this happened (a few years later), I was wiser. I backed off, and then he suddenly got interested again. But by that point, I realized I didn't want to have to play games, so I dumped him. Some men like the conquest and the thrill of the chase. They see it as a challenge. The more reluctant you are in the beginning, the harder they pursue. They pour on the romance. They make declarations. But then they lose interest when they seem to have your attention. Then they gaslight you and act like you're the needy one. My advice to you is to back off. Take some space. Trust your gut. |
Anonymous
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^^^ PP here. I also think that it would be helpful to hear from a man.
Most men won't turn down sex because of a cold, especially if they won't have another opportunity for it for almost a week. |