3 mos in, are we done?
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Anonymous
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I'm a single mom with one child; 5 yo. Her dad travels extensively so she's with me 100% of the time. We divorced when she was an infant but have a decent relationship. I've never made dating a priority because of my focus on raising my child. But months ago I was introduced to a mutual friend and for the first time in five years, entered into a relationship. He is 10 years older than me, two grown kids in college. And at first it was pretty amazing. I had forgotten what it was like to enjoy myself, go for walks, and have an awesome physical relationship with someone. I am by nature a cautious person, and have taken my time. Accordingly he has not met my daughter and I have no plans to introduce them immediately. For his part however he has come out of the gate pretty fast. Wanted to introduce me to his children, told me he loved me, even talked about wanting to have another baby. All of that is flattering but I need time and consistency to trust someone. We've had a few issues regarding scheduling, I have a very flexible nanny who allows me to have some free time to see him. But admittedly we are always on my schedule because of the constraints of me having a small child. Last night I had plans to go over to his house as we are both leaving for separate trips this morning. I had dinner with friends earlier, then got a text message from him at 9:30 PM telling me he felt ill and will talk to me tomorrow. I was hurt because we were supposed to see each other pre-trip. I asked him if I should still come say hello since we are departing separately and leaving the next day, he said yes. I did, but he seemed quite apathetic about me being there. Yes he had a cold, but it seemed odd to cancel our plans (sex, basically) for that reason. I expressed confusion about that, he got irritated, and I ended up leaving. I called when I got home to try to talk it out and he let it go to voicemail.
I'm sad that I handled things childishly and shouldn't have walked out in the middle of an argument, but i've been unsettled by what I feel is a push pull dynamic between the two of us. I need something that progresses slowly and goes somewhere authentic and I feel like he has rushed the relationship early and now is dialing back. And although I know I shouldn't have walked out in the middle of an argument, I feel like it bodes poorly that he didn't answer my call. We both talked about how we don't believe in going to bed angry and that seem to contradict that. |
Anonymous
| Hit post too soon. Basically, I handled things too dramatically but I think I'm just not OK with these high highs and low lows. I've also been waiting for the other shoe to drop with all of the intensity that we started with. That is probably my fear and cautiousness about dating, but that's how I feel. Anyway I'm feeling sad because I feel like this flash in the pan may be just that. Advice her somebody who is very newly on the dating market is welcome. Thanks. |
Anonymous
| He is a great guy, he loves you (doesn't matter the time frame), he fits you into his schedule, he didn't ghost on you, still said you could come over but he is sick, acted off because well, he is sick... and you got pissed that he wouldn't dick you down with his sore throat, sneezing, and chills, you walked out mad and now mad that he won't pick up the phone. Chick you are crazy |
Anonymous
| He is sick. You need to apologize for having pushed his boundaries. |
Anonymous
| OP here. I wasn't upset that we didn't have sex. I was hurt and confused by what I thought were mixed signals. When someone says "I love you and want to have a baby with you" but then turns around and says "I won't see you for five days but I'll just talk to you tomorrow" it leaves me not knowing where we stand. As I mentioned I haven't dated in several years and I'm just trying to take a recent approach. I like this person a lot but I need to work at a pace I can handle. Three months is not a long time. |
Anonymous
| OP here. I wasn't upset that we didn't have sex. I was hurt and confused by what I thought were mixed signals. When someone says "I love you and want to have a baby with you" but then turns around and says "I won't see you for five days but I'll just talk to you tomorrow" it leaves me not knowing where we stand. As I mentioned I haven't dated in several years and I'm just trying to take a recent approach. I like this person a lot but I need to work at a pace I can handle. Three months is not a long time. |
Anonymous
| *reasoned approach |
Anonymous
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He was sick. Chill. Out. If I was sick and knew I had to go traveling for five days I'd be in a bad mood, and someone wanting to analyze our relationship because I cancelled a date (because I was SICK) would be really annoying.
Send him a simple text or email (if you haven't already) apologizing for last night and hoping he feels better for his trip and then let it go until you're both home or he reaches out to you. Do NOT bombard him with messages or call him again until you're both home or he reaches out. |
Anonymous
| This one is on you op. Check out John Gray's "Mars and Venus In A Relationship". You have to learn to manage your anxiety when things aren't perfect. |
Anonymous
| There were no mixed signals. He has grown kids, meaning he is older than 45? Correct? People that age are not 20 and if sick will take time to rest. He made a correct decision to cancel his plans, especially since he has to travel the next day, so he can rest. You seemed needy and going to see him and trying to provoke a fight. He sounds mature and you sound immature. Grow up, you are not in high school anymore, if you can't just say that you'll talk on the phone for five days, while on a trip, you don't need things slow, you want him to be super attentive but you do what suits you. I wouldn't be surprised if he realizes you are too needy and immature for him. |
Anonymous
Huh? But he saw you.... wtf lady. |
Anonymous
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I don't understand why you are so anxious about him going away for 5 days. He'll be back.right? You two can always speak on the phone, do a video conference, text, phone sex, video sex etc.
Based on what you wrote you appear needy and insecure. Let him breathe a little. Don't smother him or you'll push him away. He is an older man I'm sure he doesn't have women knocking down the door to be with him. He is also at a mature age where he knows what he wants. He's more than likely not out chasing women. Give him space. He's not going anywhere UNLESS you drive him away. |
Anonymous
| Lots of relationships fall apart around 3 - 4 months. |
Anonymous
And I think it is a good idea that this one drifts apart. She needs to relax |
Anonymous
This. Plus men that age (after 16 basically) don't feel the same way about "being away" from their partner as women do. It's only 5 days. There are couples in relationships that travel a lot and don't see each other for 2-3 weeks. Chill. There are no mixed signals. Honestly, you seem a bit needy and not too trusting.. probably based on your past experiences. Relax and take it easy. Everything will work out well. |