3 mos in, are we done?

[Anonymous]

"Last night I had plans to go over to his house as we are both leaving for separate trips this morning. I had dinner with friends earlier, then got a text message from him at 9:30 PM telling me he felt ill and will talk to me tomorrow. I was hurt because we were supposed to see each other pre-trip. I asked him if I should still come say hello since we are departing separately and leaving the next day, he said yes. I did, but he seemed quite apathetic about me being there."

He was probably apathetic b/c he cancelled plans with you, but you acted hurt and went to his house anyway. Comes across to me as a little needy and desperate to see him. Lay off a little.

[Anonymous]

That's always how men are- they come on strong and all into it- but the minute the chase is over, they start to lose interest especially to women who are really needy.
Dial it way back- just chilll and get on with your life- if he calls you, great, be excited and upbeat. But don't reach out to him. Don't call to apologize blah blah blah-- big turn off to guys.
Just be calm and move along with your life. Hopefully you will go out again. But big heavy conversations and lots of emotional issues early on will kill it with any guy.
And if you want some kind of committed relationship, you shouldn't have put out so quickly. Again, all men like the chase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's always how men are- they come on strong and all into it- but the minute the chase is over, they start to lose interest especially to women who are really needy.
Dial it way back- just chilll and get on with your life- if he calls you, great, be excited and upbeat. But don't reach out to him. Don't call to apologize blah blah blah-- big turn off to guys.
Just be calm and move along with your life. Hopefully you will go out again. But big heavy conversations and lots of emotional issues early on will kill it with any guy.
And if you want some kind of committed relationship, you shouldn't have put out so quickly. Again, all men like the chase.

Just curious, when do you think OP should have put out?

[Anonymous]

Lots of 1950s advice here. Probably offered by women in unhappy marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's always how men are- they come on strong and all into it- but the minute the chase is over, they start to lose interest especially to women who are really needy.
Dial it way back- just chilll and get on with your life- if he calls you, great, be excited and upbeat. But don't reach out to him. Don't call to apologize blah blah blah-- big turn off to guys.
Just be calm and move along with your life. Hopefully you will go out again. But big heavy conversations and lots of emotional issues early on will kill it with any guy.
And if you want some kind of committed relationship, you shouldn't have put out so quickly. Again, all men like the chase.

Just curious, when do you think OP should have put out?

After they agree to be exclusive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of 1950s advice here. Probably offered by women in unhappy marriages.

And what is your advice? Pray tell? Assuming you are in the happiest marriage of all, we are dying for your advice!

[Anonymous]

OP here, I've learned there is no right answer to the question of when to have sex. This obviously varies across relationships and people. I don't view sex as transactional so I was open to it when I felt comfortable and ready. It wasn't on the first date an wasn't on the 10th; about in between and it was hot, and has remained so. I don't view the sex as an issue; if a 50 yo guy is going to be turned off by an attractive (I'm told) 39 yo who wants to sleep with him, well, there's not much more to say there.

I'm currently with DD and my parents at a state park; it's been really nice and I'm using this time to relax and feel close to my family. He's peppered me with occasional texts since I've been here, all of the casual variety. I've responded sometimes, left it alone when I've been busy. The one time I added anything personal ("thinking about you"), he stopped responding.

Who knows what that means. Maybe nothing. I realize a poster upthread who called me out about wanting to take it slow but getting pretty emotionally involved was probably right. I guess I'd forgotten how nice it is to at least feel, if not be, loved. This guy said all the right things...had I considered getting married again? What kind of wedding? White dress?, etc. I admit it felt great to be asked those questions and I probably got pulled into it. It's frustrating that we often can't take people on their word; I do believe he has pulled back since he got my attention. What can I say? I'm approaching 40; I don't want to run anymore. I want to sit across the table and share a smile and know we have each other's back. To me, that's pretty blissful.

I've certainly been able to process quite a bit on this thread so thanks DCUM; kept me from trying to process this with him which I believe would have been ultimately unsuccessful. Space is best for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I guess I'm taking it slowly relative to him. He wanted to meet my family, I'd like to give it some time. He wanted me to meet his kids when they came home for the summer, I offered that they probably only care that he's happy, and to tell them all about us if he wants. But they just don't need to meet me after only 12 weeks. Of course I'd like to meet them eventually. We need to get further along though.

So I'm trying to pump the brakes. But am I invested? Sure. I guess it's hard to hold back emotionally; I've missed companionship, holding hands, etc. Great sex doesn't hurt either. I'm talking simple stuff. That's what happiness is for me. Not so much grand gestures. I'm 39 and he's 50; I figure we're too old for that stuff anyway.

To the posters calling me batshit, look I'm not proud of my behavior last night. I don't enjoy that kind of thing, and I agree I let insecurity get the best of me. It's just hard not to feel discouraged. I'm in the best shape of my life, financially independent, and have a great kid with a no-drama ex. I'd like to share my life with someone. But perhaps he's not that guy. Anyway thanks for the perspective.

Wow OP, you are my Rship board twin! I'm about the same age, also single mom with a young child, and also dating a guy JUST like you described, except we've been dating 6 months.

You are not crazy! These posters saying that just don't understand the dynamics of what you're going through with this guy. But my dear, I completely understand you and feel your pain. It is confusing, it is frustrating. It is not right how he is treating you, and from my experience with my own flaky ambivalent guy, it will not change or get better. I urge you to google "ambivalent man" to understand what you're dealing with.

Run for the hills now, before you get suckered in any further emotionally. I've been suckered in a little longer than you, and it's becoming harder and harder to walk away everyday because his pull is very seductive. He knows how to lay on the charm, especially to this tired, single mama who thoroughly enjoys the attention and affections. But when he gets into his distant "push" phase, I feel like shit, not knowing what's what or where we stand. No clarity about our present or future, even after six months.

So my advice is to leave him alone, and continue dating, with him out of the picture. And remember the signs and how this experience made you feel, so you can recognize this game the next time a guy tries to play it on you.

Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

Whatever happened OP?

[Anonymous]

I dated a couple guys like this before meeting DH - there must've been a part of me that also was drawn to the challenge, the game of making the guy want me. There was passion and excitement, but no partnership and no real friendship.

Imagine being married to a guy like this when you are dealing with a sick parent, a troubled child, job stress, health issues, etc. - what kind of partner would they be? The push-pull would get old real fast. It isn't sustainable in a healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP back, we've ended things.

The time away with my family was very helpful; I was able to just spend time with DD and my parents and get re-centered. During that time I was able to see that even though I maintained some appropriate boundaries (not returning the "I love you's", not agreeing to meet each other's children), that I did let my head and heart get pulled in the swirl of his attention. And there was a lot of it; lots of "when you meet my friends in California" and "someday if we live together", etc. He bought the children's book by Chelsea Clinton for me to give to DD; gave me a little baby picture of himself.

An important part to this story is that I learned in the course of our relationship that the divorce I thought was final/finalizing wasn't so....when we met I thought he was divorced. On date #3 he let me know that his final court date was in May. In May it was extended to September. Before poster go nuts about this issue, it was obviously a huge red flag and I'm aware of that. I never sought out to date someone in the midst of a divorce; I thought he was single and available and learned in small pieces over several weeks that that wasn't the case. Of course by then I was starry-eyed by feeling love (or some version of it) from a partner for the first time in several years. Neither of us are kids and I expect that we both come with baggage, so I didn't run as things evolved. Of note, the marriage was his second, lasted for 8 years, no children together, separation was almost 3 years ago; he alleges she left him for someone else and that the divorce has been a long process because she wants money. Who knows.

At this point a good question might be what I ever saw in him, or how bad my self-esteem must be that I would pursue/allow myself to be pursued by someone like this. The answer is that I saw lots of things. He was funny and a great story-teller. Was (usually) a good listener and asked smart questions. Was financially responsible and impressed that I am as well. Liked the low key things I liked (taking walks), seemed to love his children and talked about them frequently. Complimented my commitment to parenting. Etc. And then of course there was the chemistry thing that you can't invent, no matter how much someone seems like a good fit. We had it, or at least I had it for him.

Upon return from our respective trips, the distance I felt prior to leaving continued. I withdrew a bit for my own sake, but I kept hearing from him. Again however, nothing of any real substance. I asked if we could sit down and talk yesterday; it was like pulling teeth but he finally agreed. I wasn't trying to torture the guy but I deserved at least a final conversation. Or at least I think I do. The short version is that I noted I had been unreasonable prior to our trips, but that my insecurity came from what I noted was a shift in the relationship. What had begun intensely seemed to have faded rapidly to a slow trickle. If he had lost interest, I could handle it. But I needed some clarity about where I stood. He squirmed a bit and finally said that he "couldn't be present" in a relationship with me and continue to go through is divorce process through the summer. That he felt he was "cheating on me" by being so preoccupied and he felt he "just couldn't be here". That he "wished he could do both" but didn't feel he could; that maybe I could be there in September. I said nicely that that's not how I operate.

I suppose the victory here is that we had a mature discussion about a (short) relationship that clearly had no staying power, that things didn't drag on, that I held back the important things when my instinct told me to (i.e. my child).

Still, I had forgotten how nice it was to just hold hands. I was doing just fine before. It's not that I need a man. It's that I want a partner.

Onward and upward, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back, we've ended things.

The time away with my family was very helpful; I was able to just spend time with DD and my parents and get re-centered. During that time I was able to see that even though I maintained some appropriate boundaries (not returning the "I love you's", not agreeing to meet each other's children), that I did let my head and heart get pulled in the swirl of his attention. And there was a lot of it; lots of "when you meet my friends in California" and "someday if we live together", etc. He bought the children's book by Chelsea Clinton for me to give to DD; gave me a little baby picture of himself.

An important part to this story is that I learned in the course of our relationship that the divorce I thought was final/finalizing wasn't so....when we met I thought he was divorced. On date #3 he let me know that his final court date was in May. In May it was extended to September. Before poster go nuts about this issue, it was obviously a huge red flag and I'm aware of that. I never sought out to date someone in the midst of a divorce; I thought he was single and available and learned in small pieces over several weeks that that wasn't the case. Of course by then I was starry-eyed by feeling love (or some version of it) from a partner for the first time in several years. Neither of us are kids and I expect that we both come with baggage, so I didn't run as things evolved. Of note, the marriage was his second, lasted for 8 years, no children together, separation was almost 3 years ago; he alleges she left him for someone else and that the divorce has been a long process because she wants money. Who knows.

At this point a good question might be what I ever saw in him, or how bad my self-esteem must be that I would pursue/allow myself to be pursued by someone like this. The answer is that I saw lots of things. He was funny and a great story-teller. Was (usually) a good listener and asked smart questions. Was financially responsible and impressed that I am as well. Liked the low key things I liked (taking walks), seemed to love his children and talked about them frequently. Complimented my commitment to parenting. Etc. And then of course there was the chemistry thing that you can't invent, no matter how much someone seems like a good fit. We had it, or at least I had it for him.

Upon return from our respective trips, the distance I felt prior to leaving continued. I withdrew a bit for my own sake, but I kept hearing from him. Again however, nothing of any real substance. I asked if we could sit down and talk yesterday; it was like pulling teeth but he finally agreed. I wasn't trying to torture the guy but I deserved at least a final conversation. Or at least I think I do. The short version is that I noted I had been unreasonable prior to our trips, but that my insecurity came from what I noted was a shift in the relationship. What had begun intensely seemed to have faded rapidly to a slow trickle. If he had lost interest, I could handle it. But I needed some clarity about where I stood. He squirmed a bit and finally said that he "couldn't be present" in a relationship with me and continue to go through is divorce process through the summer. That he felt he was "cheating on me" by being so preoccupied and he felt he "just couldn't be here". That he "wished he could do both" but didn't feel he could; that maybe I could be there in September. I said nicely that that's not how I operate.

I suppose the victory here is that we had a mature discussion about a (short) relationship that clearly had no staying power, that things didn't drag on, that I held back the important things when my instinct told me to (i.e. my child).

Still, I had forgotten how nice it was to just hold hands. I was doing just fine before. It's not that I need a man. It's that I want a partner.

Onward and upward, right?

Onward and upward, OP. You didn't do anything wrong except trust your instincts. You became insecure because you felt he was distancing, and he was. It's entirely possible he met someone else and directed all that intensity towards that someone - I know a good amount of guys who just looooove the thrill of the chase...

[Anonymous]

Yeah, he was feeding you BS but he doesn't have a good track record and will probably hop from person to person (there may already be someone now). Onward and upward!
You didn't do a thing wrong, truly. He wasn't ever going to be long-term relationship material.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update OP! I wish you the best and you should not feel insecure etc. etc. all the other negative things you try to place on yourself now. Be kind to yourself! He was just the first toe in the water. Try and enjoy this journey wherever it may lead. (Propping you up as much as myself as I am on a similar journey).

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. The nice words mean a lot. Truly.