Anonymous wrote:OP back, we've ended things.
The time away with my family was very helpful; I was able to just spend time with DD and my parents and get re-centered. During that time I was able to see that even though I maintained some appropriate boundaries (not returning the "I love you's", not agreeing to meet each other's children), that I did let my head and heart get pulled in the swirl of his attention. And there was a lot of it; lots of "when you meet my friends in California" and "someday if we live together", etc. He bought the children's book by Chelsea Clinton for me to give to DD; gave me a little baby picture of himself.
An important part to this story is that I learned in the course of our relationship that the divorce I thought was final/finalizing wasn't so....when we met I thought he was divorced. On date #3 he let me know that his final court date was in May. In May it was extended to September. Before poster go nuts about this issue, it was obviously a huge red flag and I'm aware of that. I never sought out to date someone in the midst of a divorce; I thought he was single and available and learned in small pieces over several weeks that that wasn't the case. Of course by then I was starry-eyed by feeling love (or some version of it) from a partner for the first time in several years. Neither of us are kids and I expect that we both come with baggage, so I didn't run as things evolved. Of note, the marriage was his second, lasted for 8 years, no children together, separation was almost 3 years ago; he alleges she left him for someone else and that the divorce has been a long process because she wants money. Who knows.
At this point a good question might be what I ever saw in him, or how bad my self-esteem must be that I would pursue/allow myself to be pursued by someone like this. The answer is that I saw lots of things. He was funny and a great story-teller. Was (usually) a good listener and asked smart questions. Was financially responsible and impressed that I am as well. Liked the low key things I liked (taking walks), seemed to love his children and talked about them frequently. Complimented my commitment to parenting. Etc. And then of course there was the chemistry thing that you can't invent, no matter how much someone seems like a good fit. We had it, or at least I had it for him.
Upon return from our respective trips, the distance I felt prior to leaving continued. I withdrew a bit for my own sake, but I kept hearing from him. Again however, nothing of any real substance. I asked if we could sit down and talk yesterday; it was like pulling teeth but he finally agreed. I wasn't trying to torture the guy but I deserved at least a final conversation. Or at least I think I do. The short version is that I noted I had been unreasonable prior to our trips, but that my insecurity came from what I noted was a shift in the relationship. What had begun intensely seemed to have faded rapidly to a slow trickle. If he had lost interest, I could handle it. But I needed some clarity about where I stood. He squirmed a bit and finally said that he "couldn't be present" in a relationship with me and continue to go through is divorce process through the summer. That he felt he was "cheating on me" by being so preoccupied and he felt he "just couldn't be here". That he "wished he could do both" but didn't feel he could; that maybe I could be there in September. I said nicely that that's not how I operate.
I suppose the victory here is that we had a mature discussion about a (short) relationship that clearly had no staying power, that things didn't drag on, that I held back the important things when my instinct told me to (i.e. my child).
Still, I had forgotten how nice it was to just hold hands. I was doing just fine before. It's not that I need a man. It's that I want a partner.
Onward and upward, right?
You will be fine! I wish I knew you in real life, you seem awesome. Really good perspective, realistic, introspective, healthy, and NORMAL. What a breath of fresh air you are!
He does not deserve someone as cool as you and YES you will find a guy deserving of you who will give you that intimacy you are rightfully craving.
My mom found the love of her life at age 50 and it was GREAT going to her wedding and seeing her so incredibly happy. It took her some time and she really missed the mark with her first marriage (my dad), but she truly found the peanut butter to her jelly and you will too!
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