What to say in letter to biological mom?

[Anonymous]

I'm a NP, who was adopted.

OP, my home state started a registry for adopted children and biological mothers, in which they can say whether or not they wish to contacted. I don't know if such a thing exists in every state (mine was Ohio) but it might be worth investigating to help you make a decision.

I haven't come to one myself, because of all the possible outcomes of contact. So far, my curiosity hasn't been strong enough to outweigh possible downsides.

To others who have such strong feelings about choices made outside our control, I have to say please be gentle with what you express here. Being pregnant is just about the heaviest burden of human existence - no matter the circumstances - and it pains me to read such harsh judgment of people who carry it.

There are some things in life you just can't know. Don't let that fact be a burden, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who wNts to pretend the child they gave birth to doesn't exist: that's what abortion is for. I'm assuming you gave birth to the child because, you know, you wanted to give life to this HUMAN BEING. Then accept that and accept this human being might want to know where they came from.

Nobody CHOOSES to be born, but every parent CHOOSES to give birth.

You have NO CLUE what it is like to find out you are adopted. No clue what it is like wondering why. No clue what it is like wondering what your mom is like, or if you have siblings, or where you came from.

If this person one day has the courage to reach out to you, please don't make it a million time a worse on them by shunning them AGAIN.

Seriously. The child you gave birth to is a HUMAN BEING with feelings too.

- Adopted

Wouldn't you prefer not to be contacted and wonder why, than discovering that you were the result of a brutal rape?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you run this by a counselor specializing in adoption? CASE could be a resource (though not inexpensive by any means). I found my birth family and while it was a very successful reunion, it's not without issues that neither of us had anticipated.

OP here, thanks to PPs for all the suggestions. I have completely come to terms with the possibility that she will not want contact--mostly because I don't see my adoption as being "rejected" by my biological mother in the first place. I have considered the possibility that I was conceived during an assault, but I need to think through that more carefully, i.e., what emotional damage will I inflict by reaching out? To the PP quoted above who mentioned issues that neither person had considered, can you give some examples?

PP here. I guess the biggest issue was that our expectations of why we both wanted a reunion and how much a part of each other's lives weren't in sync. You need to ask yourself why you want to find your birth family and what you hope to see happen. With my family, they wanted me to be a much bigger part of their life than I was prepared to be, and my birth mother immediately wanted to "mother" me.

Really, there are so many possibilities that you can't contemplate all kinds of reactions, but I think carefully considering your motivations and hopes is a good start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My uncle sent a letter of this nature to his birthmother, who was 16 years older. He never heard back. That took a while for him to process.

My sister did the same and got the same response. She had always assumed she was the product of a teenage relationship and that her birth mother was forced to give her up because the birth mother was so young. But when my sister had her adoption file opened, she discovered her parents were actually married, her father was incarcerated at the time of her birth, that the parents already had other children and just didn't want another one. Her parents are STILL together and her father is out of jail. Her parents have no interest whatsoever in connecting with her. They refuse to give her any information her potential bio siblings. They simply said "don't ever contact us again" It devastated her, and broke my heart too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gave a child up for adoption and that was the end of any relationship. This was a child conceived in a brutal rape and abortion was not an option as I was under age 18 and parents did not believe in abortion. Please do not do this. You have been given a good life and you have no right to mess up her life.

Mess up her life? Wow.

I understand that you didn't ask to be raped, but this child didn't ask to be born either... but clearly you don't think about the feelings of anyone but yourself & most especially not the feelings of a sweet, innocent child who is not to blame for what happened you. You only worry that your life might get "messed up". I'm all warm and fuzzy inside from that sentiment.

Oh & just an fyi...contrary to what YOU may think, this child actually has EVERY right in the world to contact their birth mother... it's actually called free will.

YOU on the other hand have no right to tell anyone else what they are & aren't allowed to do, once again... free will.
Although it's pretty hypocritical for you to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle sent a letter of this nature to his birthmother, who was 16 years older. He never heard back. That took a while for him to process.

My sister did the same and got the same response. She had always assumed she was the product of a teenage relationship and that her birth mother was forced to give her up because the birth mother was so young. But when my sister had her adoption file opened, she discovered her parents were actually married, her father was incarcerated at the time of her birth, that the parents already had other children and just didn't want another one. Her parents are STILL together and her father is out of jail. Her parents have no interest whatsoever in connecting with her. They refuse to give her any information her potential bio siblings. They simply said "don't ever contact us again" It devastated her, and broke my heart too.

Adoptive parent here. Our agency told us that a lot of people assume kids are given up by teens or young single parents and apparently that is not true. A lot of kids given up are from situations like yours. A lot more that we would think. Our DD was born to a single parent but she has 2 other children that live with her. They were 3 and 4 when DD was born. Not sure how that is going to affect her if and when she finds out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, lots of women don't have access to abortion. So the only way to not give birth would be to commit suicide. Are they still "choosing" to give birth in this case?

Pregnancy is a reason why some people commit suicide

[Anonymous]

Adoptee here. This thread makes me glad I never tried to find my bio mom....I wouldn't want to run into someone like the bio mom on this thread who blamed me for being raped, something that could not possibly be my fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoptee here. This thread makes me glad I never tried to find my bio mom....I wouldn't want to run into someone like the bio mom on this thread who blamed me for being raped, something that could not possibly be my fault.

"blame?" Isn't it possible that someone just doesn't want to be reminded of a terrible, tragic event in her life? Isn't that perfectly understandable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle sent a letter of this nature to his birthmother, who was 16 years older. He never heard back. That took a while for him to process.

My sister did the same and got the same response. She had always assumed she was the product of a teenage relationship and that her birth mother was forced to give her up because the birth mother was so young. But when my sister had her adoption file opened, she discovered her parents were actually married, her father was incarcerated at the time of her birth, that the parents already had other children and just didn't want another one. Her parents are STILL together and her father is out of jail. Her parents have no interest whatsoever in connecting with her. They refuse to give her any information her potential bio siblings. They simply said "don't ever contact us again" It devastated her, and broke my heart too.

Adoptive parent here. Our agency told us that a lot of people assume kids are given up by teens or young single parents and apparently that is not true. A lot of kids given up are from situations like yours. A lot more that we would think. Our DD was born to a single parent but she has 2 other children that live with her. They were 3 and 4 when DD was born. Not sure how that is going to affect her if and when she finds out.

By the same token, many women who get abortions are married with children. It is a myth that only penniless teenagers who don't know what being a mother means give babies up for adoption or have abortions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP: There are some people on this very thread who did not themselves choose to become mothers. I agree that they should not shun their bio children, but some people did not choose to become pregnant. I also agree with most everything else you said...I, too, was offended by the comments of one of the bio moms on this thread.

However, we need to try to understand each other. Ours is a unique situation.
--Also adopted




Sure. Of course they didn't choose to be impregnated. But they chose to go forward with the pregnancy. They chose to let that unwanted pregnancy turn into a fetus that was born and is a living, breathing PERSON walking among us. THAT was a choice. A choice that, as you and I know firsthand, affects our lives just as much as that unplanned pregnancy affects our birth mothers.

Got it....I guess some bio moms have learned to compartmentalize in order to cope with the choice they made, and try to forget that we actually were born and became freethinking people. But take a careful look at your logic. If your bio mom had made a different choice, we would not be here right now. I personally am glad I'm here, and I hope you are.

--your fellow adoptee

I am. But if she had made a different choice, I'd be none the wiser.

Instead, I'm here. I know she didn't want me because I'm the nasty result of something unpleasant. She doesn't want a relationship because I'm not a person to her, only living proof that that horrible nasty event took place. So yeah, that part of my life wasn't fun either. Neither is it fun when people ask if I'm adopted (and it's obvious that I was) and ask if I know my birth family. That stings every time.

So I'm glad your adoption circumstances are great. Mine weren't.

I'm speaking only to the PP who acts like because she was raped her child is a piece of filth that she can't bear to look at.

The PP is acting like a person who had her power taken away from her, who wasn't allowed to choose abortion. She had to find a way to move on in her life. It is not a reflection on the child who was given up for adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave a child up for adoption and that was the end of any relationship. This was a child conceived in a brutal rape and abortion was not an option as I was under age 18 and parents did not believe in abortion. Please do not do this. You have been given a good life and you have no right to mess up her life.

Mess up her life? Wow.

I understand that you didn't ask to be raped, but this child didn't ask to be born either... but clearly you don't think about the feelings of anyone but yourself & most especially not the feelings of a sweet, innocent child who is not to blame for what happened you. You only worry that your life might get "messed up". I'm all warm and fuzzy inside from that sentiment.

Oh & just an fyi...contrary to what YOU may think, this child actually has EVERY right in the world to contact their birth mother... it's actually called free will.

YOU on the other hand have no right to tell anyone else what they are & aren't allowed to do, once again... free will.
Although it's pretty hypocritical for you to try.

Its easy for you to rant when you've never been in the situation. This individual has the right to be left along. Part of adoption is severing those ties and it then becomes a choice on both parties to have a relationship. Open adoption can be wonderful. It can also be horrific. We have both sides of it with our child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave a child up for adoption and that was the end of any relationship. This was a child conceived in a brutal rape and abortion was not an option as I was under age 18 and parents did not believe in abortion. Please do not do this. You have been given a good life and you have no right to mess up her life.

Mess up her life? Wow.

I understand that you didn't ask to be raped, but this child didn't ask to be born either... but clearly you don't think about the feelings of anyone but yourself & most especially not the feelings of a sweet, innocent child who is not to blame for what happened you. You only worry that your life might get "messed up". I'm all warm and fuzzy inside from that sentiment.

Oh & just an fyi...contrary to what YOU may think, this child actually has EVERY right in the world to contact their birth mother... it's actually called free will.

YOU on the other hand have no right to tell anyone else what they are & aren't allowed to do, once again... free will.
Although it's pretty hypocritical for you to try.

Its easy for you to rant when you've never been in the situation. This individual has the right to be left along. Part of adoption is severing those ties and it then becomes a choice on both parties to have a relationship. Open adoption can be wonderful. It can also be horrific. We have both sides of it with our child.

+1. Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave a child up for adoption and that was the end of any relationship. This was a child conceived in a brutal rape and abortion was not an option as I was under age 18 and parents did not believe in abortion. Please do not do this. You have been given a good life and you have no right to mess up her life.

Mess up her life? Wow.

I understand that you didn't ask to be raped, but this child didn't ask to be born either... but clearly you don't think about the feelings of anyone but yourself & most especially not the feelings of a sweet, innocent child who is not to blame for what happened you. You only worry that your life might get "messed up". I'm all warm and fuzzy inside from that sentiment.

Oh & just an fyi...contrary to what YOU may think, this child actually has EVERY right in the world to contact their birth mother... it's actually called free will.

YOU on the other hand have no right to tell anyone else what they are & aren't allowed to do, once again... free will.
Although it's pretty hypocritical for you to try.

Its easy for you to rant when you've never been in the situation. This individual has the right to be left along. Part of adoption is severing those ties and it then becomes a choice on both parties to have a relationship. Open adoption can be wonderful. It can also be horrific. We have both sides of it with our child.

Actually, I have every right in the world to rant (see... there's that darn free will thing I mentioned earlier).
However, that's not the only reason, smarty pants...
I actually HAVE been in an almost identical situation.
I WAS brutally raped & impregnated, however I was forced to abort the child due to an ectopic pregnancy.

Yes, what I went through was horrendous & awful and I wish no other man, woman or child would ever have to endure that. And yes, I will be scarred for life because of it, however I've also found a way through different therapies, volunteering & helping other victims, to also help myself as well.

I will always live with the fear that this could happen again, not only to me but to my daughters, nieces & any one I know & I've also had to come to terms with the fact that I've lost that innocent, carefree, starry eyed girl I was before this happened forever (actually, that's incorrect... I didn't lose it, it was stolen from me).

The one & only thing I know for certain, is that I will never, EVER let this define me.

Allowing this to define me, would keep me in a perpetual loop... a frozen state.. of fear & victimhood, over & over forever.
If I let this one act define me for the rest of my life, he wins... he actually wins my entire life... forever & I refuse to let anyone, but most especially him, have even a single shred of my power.

By playing the victim, he will have complete & utter control over every thought, action, emotion and breath that I take for the rest of my life and that is something that I will NEVER allow to happen.

He may have stolen my virginity & my innocence, but you can be sure as hell that this animal will never, EVER steal my power.

If I were to have given birth to my child, it too would have been put up for adoption & I also wouldn't have had a say in the matter.

And while I despise the man who did this to me with every fibre of my being, I also know that this innocent baby had absolutely NOTHING to do with that, his choices or him in general.

And yes, I imagine meeting the child for the first time would bring back some negative emotions & it may be a little weird to begin with, but that doesn't mean I NEED to wallow in those negative feelings. That doesn't mean I NEED to go back to being a victim. It may feel sad & scary the first time meeting, but I imagine after that I'd never even think of it in that way again (unless it was brought up by the child with questions).

Getting to know the child may even be therapeutic, as seeing something so sweet, INNOCENT, PURE and wonderful come from something that was so heinous & evil, may be incredibly helpful to the healing process.

Again... I can rationally separate the animal from an innocent baby, who did nothing wrong, except want to meet me.

It's a choice to empower yourself, it's a choice to say I will NEVER be a victim again. I have worked with hundreds of abused & raped women and unfortunately, there are some who will ONLY accept the title of victim forever.
It is a choice, you chose to stay in that victim role... it is a choice.
These victims will never, ever, seek therapy & even when it's offered freely to them, they will never, ever accept it, because they don't want to change. They'd rather stay in that victim role forever, because it's not only become their identity, it's also how they want the world to identify them by.
It's WHO they are now & they don't accept the help, because they really don't want to change that.

It's scary for them to think who else would I be if not the victim? You don't disappoint anyone when you're the victim, nobody gets mad at you when you're the victim, nobody has expectations of you when you're the victim, you're always taken care of, always looked out for, never have to make another decision or be accountable for anything ever again when you're the victim... and you definitely don't let many people get close to you when you're the victim (which means there's less of a chance that they can hurt you).

Sadly, you will also never, ever grow from that point on in your life when you chose the victim role.
You will be mentally, emotionally & maturely stunted at that same age... forever.
You may see a 50 year old woman on the outside, but they're still just 18 (or whatever the age of rape was) on the inside.

They no longer recognize their old selves or remember their old personalities.
They are no longer Sally, Jane or Barbara, they are named victim, victim & victim, period.

Healing is a choice & some would rather just avoid that at all costs.

So yes, little miss know-it-all... I actually CAN identify with her completely & of the roles were reversed, I know that witnessing something so positive resulting from something so dark, violent & negative, would have done absolute wonders for my healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave a child up for adoption and that was the end of any relationship. This was a child conceived in a brutal rape and abortion was not an option as I was under age 18 and parents did not believe in abortion. Please do not do this. You have been given a good life and you have no right to mess up her life.

Mess up her life? Wow.

I understand that you didn't ask to be raped, but this child didn't ask to be born either... but clearly you don't think about the feelings of anyone but yourself & most especially not the feelings of a sweet, innocent child who is not to blame for what happened you. You only worry that your life might get "messed up". I'm all warm and fuzzy inside from that sentiment.

Oh & just an fyi...contrary to what YOU may think, this child actually has EVERY right in the world to contact their birth mother... it's actually called free will.

YOU on the other hand have no right to tell anyone else what they are & aren't allowed to do, once again... free will.
Although it's pretty hypocritical for you to try.

I'm not the pp, but another adopted person who posted previously in this thread. Your attitude is not healthy. You have no right to tell someone how to feel about their situation.

This is precisely why all options should be open all pregnant women, without judgment.

I'm glad my mother had me and gave me up for adoption. But as someone else said earlier, if she hadn't I'd be none the wiser. I trust that keeping me would have been some kind of misery for us both. Not everyone is equipped to revisit bad situations and tough decisions they've had to make in their lives. I know I'm not.