What to say in letter to biological mom?

[Anonymous]

I think some pps are being to hard on the mom that was raped and would not want to meet her child. No I'm not an adoptee, by my husband is. He was conceived during a rape something he did not know until he tracked down his bio mom. She was not happy to hear from him. Accused him of trying to ruin her life,basically lashed out at him. Now I am biased and think it's sad she doesn't want to know this amazing man that's part her and as wonderful and strong as she isbut I also realize how shocking and maybe traumatic hearing from him could have been.
My husband thought he could handle being rejected, but I don't think he realized it was really a possibility. Unfortunately his adoptive parents were abusive and he had built up a fantasy in his mind about his birth mom and what their relationship could be like.
Accepting that he essentially doesn't have parents has been hard for him, counseling has helped and so has becoming a father himself.

OP, I'd really prepare yourself for the real possibility she could want nothing to do with you, though I hope you have a happier outcome. Either way I think you should book a few sessions with a counselor who deals with this kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle sent a letter of this nature to his birthmother, who was 16 years older. He never heard back. That took a while for him to process.

My sister did the same and got the same response. She had always assumed she was the product of a teenage relationship and that her birth mother was forced to give her up because the birth mother was so young. But when my sister had her adoption file opened, she discovered her parents were actually married, her father was incarcerated at the time of her birth, that the parents already had other children and just didn't want another one. Her parents are STILL together and her father is out of jail. Her parents have no interest whatsoever in connecting with her. They refuse to give her any information her potential bio siblings. They simply said "don't ever contact us again" It devastated her, and broke my heart too.

Adoptive parent here. Our agency told us that a lot of people assume kids are given up by teens or young single parents and apparently that is not true. A lot of kids given up are from situations like yours. A lot more that we would think. Our DD was born to a single parent but she has 2 other children that live with her. They were 3 and 4 when DD was born. Not sure how that is going to affect her if and when she finds out.

My brother had a similar circumstance he was the result of an affair. His bio mom wants nothing to do with him and basically threatened him if he tried to reach out to his siblings, and told him to never contact them again. Broke his heart and mine too. He hasn't tried his bio father as he doesn't want to risk being rejected again.

I've heard happy reunion stories too so things could work out for OP.

[Anonymous]

I found my birth mother (and father a few years later) about 20 years ago (now in my 40s). I am glad I did it as that perpetual question about where I came from was answered. I was the product of a fling between two young students. I would say that it has been a bit of a Pandora's box experience. She's had a hard life and never had other children. I can't say that I regret doing it, but it has also been an emotionally loaded experience. It also increased my appreciation and gratitude for my adoptive parents.

[Anonymous]

My home state also had a registry (NY) so I second the Ohio poster who recommended checking for that first—if your bio mom is on it there is much less risk about being rejected. I had a good adoptive family and meeting my birth family and mother has also been good—and has made her incredibly happy (and sad about all that she missed at the same time, it is complicated-especially for her, but she would not change it.) I know that means I am very lucky, but for every story that ends in hurt out there, there are ones like mine where my life just got richer and more full—my kids get more love in their life. I second the PPs who have said to think carefully both about how you will feel if you get rejected but also about if you will feel if you are received with open arms. Balancing a whole new family and being respectful of the feelings of my parents and siblings that have been there for me my entire life is tricky stuff to say the least. Best of luck to the OP and wishing for peace for the birthmoms and adoptees on this thread that are still in pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave a child up for adoption and that was the end of any relationship. This was a child conceived in a brutal rape and abortion was not an option as I was under age 18 and parents did not believe in abortion. Please do not do this. You have been given a good life and you have no right to mess up her life.

Mess up her life? Wow.

I understand that you didn't ask to be raped, but this child didn't ask to be born either... but clearly you don't think about the feelings of anyone but yourself & most especially not the feelings of a sweet, innocent child who is not to blame for what happened you. You only worry that your life might get "messed up". I'm all warm and fuzzy inside from that sentiment.

Oh & just an fyi...contrary to what YOU may think, this child actually has EVERY right in the world to contact their birth mother... it's actually called free will.

YOU on the other hand have no right to tell anyone else what they are & aren't allowed to do, once again... free will.
Although it's pretty hypocritical for you to try.

Its easy for you to rant when you've never been in the situation. This individual has the right to be left along. Part of adoption is severing those ties and it then becomes a choice on both parties to have a relationship. Open adoption can be wonderful. It can also be horrific. We have both sides of it with our child.

Actually, I have every right in the world to rant (see... there's that darn free will thing I mentioned earlier).
However, that's not the only reason, smarty pants...
I actually HAVE been in an almost identical situation.
I WAS brutally raped & impregnated, however I was forced to abort the child due to an ectopic pregnancy.

Yes, what I went through was horrendous & awful and I wish no other man, woman or child would ever have to endure that. And yes, I will be scarred for life because of it, however I've also found a way through different therapies, volunteering & helping other victims, to also help myself as well.

I will always live with the fear that this could happen again, not only to me but to my daughters, nieces & any one I know & I've also had to come to terms with the fact that I've lost that innocent, carefree, starry eyed girl I was before this happened forever (actually, that's incorrect... I didn't lose it, it was stolen from me).

The one & only thing I know for certain, is that I will never, EVER let this define me.

Allowing this to define me, would keep me in a perpetual loop... a frozen state.. of fear & victimhood, over & over forever.
If I let this one act define me for the rest of my life, he wins... he actually wins my entire life... forever & I refuse to let anyone, but most especially him, have even a single shred of my power.

By playing the victim, he will have complete & utter control over every thought, action, emotion and breath that I take for the rest of my life and that is something that I will NEVER allow to happen.

He may have stolen my virginity & my innocence, but you can be sure as hell that this animal will never, EVER steal my power.

If I were to have given birth to my child, it too would have been put up for adoption & I also wouldn't have had a say in the matter.

And while I despise the man who did this to me with every fibre of my being, I also know that this innocent baby had absolutely NOTHING to do with that, his choices or him in general.

And yes, I imagine meeting the child for the first time would bring back some negative emotions & it may be a little weird to begin with, but that doesn't mean I NEED to wallow in those negative feelings. That doesn't mean I NEED to go back to being a victim. It may feel sad & scary the first time meeting, but I imagine after that I'd never even think of it in that way again (unless it was brought up by the child with questions).

Getting to know the child may even be therapeutic, as seeing something so sweet, INNOCENT, PURE and wonderful come from something that was so heinous & evil, may be incredibly helpful to the healing process.

Again... I can rationally separate the animal from an innocent baby, who did nothing wrong, except want to meet me.

It's a choice to empower yourself, it's a choice to say I will NEVER be a victim again. I have worked with hundreds of abused & raped women and unfortunately, there are some who will ONLY accept the title of victim forever.
It is a choice, you chose to stay in that victim role... it is a choice.
These victims will never, ever, seek therapy & even when it's offered freely to them, they will never, ever accept it, because they don't want to change. They'd rather stay in that victim role forever, because it's not only become their identity, it's also how they want the world to identify them by.
It's WHO they are now & they don't accept the help, because they really don't want to change that.

It's scary for them to think who else would I be if not the victim? You don't disappoint anyone when you're the victim, nobody gets mad at you when you're the victim, nobody has expectations of you when you're the victim, you're always taken care of, always looked out for, never have to make another decision or be accountable for anything ever again when you're the victim... and you definitely don't let many people get close to you when you're the victim (which means there's less of a chance that they can hurt you).

Sadly, you will also never, ever grow from that point on in your life when you chose the victim role.
You will be mentally, emotionally & maturely stunted at that same age... forever.
You may see a 50 year old woman on the outside, but they're still just 18 (or whatever the age of rape was) on the inside.

They no longer recognize their old selves or remember their old personalities.
They are no longer Sally, Jane or Barbara, they are named victim, victim & victim, period.

Healing is a choice & some would rather just avoid that at all costs.

So yes, little miss know-it-all... I actually CAN identify with her completely & of the roles were reversed, I know that witnessing something so positive resulting from something so dark, violent & negative, would have done absolute wonders for my healing.

You have a right to your feelings as others do theirs. You cannot force someone to feel how you are. It may be empowering and positive for you but not for others. You are a really cold person to see that, especially after the horror you went through.