What to say in letter to biological mom?

[Anonymous]

OP, can you run this by a counselor specializing in adoption? CASE could be a resource (though not inexpensive by any means). I found my birth family and while it was a very successful reunion, it's not without issues that neither of us had anticipated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave a child up for adoption and that was the end of any relationship. This was a child conceived in a brutal rape and abortion was not an option as I was under age 18 and parents did not believe in abortion. Please do not do this. You have been given a good life and you have no right to mess up her life.

I'm hoping you have a traditional closed adoption, where your info in unattainable. If not, it is the child's RIGHT to find you when they reach adulthood.

Absolutely.
If your parents didn't request a closed adoption, you still may be found.

Although my cousin also had a closed adoption & her North child was able to get her info (due to the wonders of the internet & the powers of an ambitiously sleuthful PI) & her child was able to get in touch with her, which she was thrilled about, since her parents also requested a closed adoption & she had no day in the matter being a minor.

I hope you will not shun your child PP, they didn't ask to be conceived (especially from something as hideously awful as a rape, I'm so, so very sorry), however they will have natural curiosities & you have to expect to be found one day.
I hope if & when that day comes, you can welcome this innocent child with open arms, rather than see the monster that conceived it.

((((( hugs to you, PP & the OP )))))

Sorry for all of the typos, I'm swyping while on the metro!

That should have said birth, not North & say, not day..etc

[Anonymous]

To the PP who wNts to pretend the child they gave birth to doesn't exist: that's what abortion is for. I'm assuming you gave birth to the child because, you know, you wanted to give life to this HUMAN BEING. Then accept that and accept this human being might want to know where they came from.

Nobody CHOOSES to be born, but every parent CHOOSES to give birth.

You have NO CLUE what it is like to find out you are adopted. No clue what it is like wondering why. No clue what it is like wondering what your mom is like, or if you have siblings, or where you came from.

If this person one day has the courage to reach out to you, please don't make it a million time a worse on them by shunning them AGAIN.

Seriously. The child you gave birth to is a HUMAN BEING with feelings too.

- Adopted

[Anonymous]

To the PP who wNts to pretend the child they gave birth to doesn't exist: that's what abortion is for. I'm assuming you gave birth to the child because, you know, you wanted to give life to this HUMAN BEING. Then accept that and accept this human being might want to know where they came from.

Nobody CHOOSES to be born, but every parent CHOOSES to give birth.

You have NO CLUE what it is like to find out you are adopted. No clue what it is like wondering why. No clue what it is like wondering what your mom is like, or if you have siblings, or where you came from.

If this person one day has the courage to reach out to you, please don't make it a million time a worse on them by shunning them AGAIN.

Seriously. The child you gave birth to is a HUMAN BEING with feelings too.

- Adopted

PP: There are some people on this very thread who did not themselves choose to become mothers. I agree that they should not shun their bio children, but some people did not choose to become pregnant. I also agree with most everything else you said...I, too, was offended by the comments of one of the bio moms on this thread.

However, we need to try to understand each other. Ours is a unique situation.
--Also adopted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

To the PP who wNts to pretend the child they gave birth to doesn't exist: that's what abortion is for. I'm assuming you gave birth to the child because, you know, you wanted to give life to this HUMAN BEING. Then accept that and accept this human being might want to know where they came from.

Nobody CHOOSES to be born, but every parent CHOOSES to give birth.

You have NO CLUE what it is like to find out you are adopted. No clue what it is like wondering why. No clue what it is like wondering what your mom is like, or if you have siblings, or where you came from.

If this person one day has the courage to reach out to you, please don't make it a million time a worse on them by shunning them AGAIN.

Seriously. The child you gave birth to is a HUMAN BEING with feelings too.

- Adopted

PP: There are some people on this very thread who did not themselves choose to become mothers. I agree that they should not shun their bio children, but some people did not choose to become pregnant. I also agree with most everything else you said...I, too, was offended by the comments of one of the bio moms on this thread.

However, we need to try to understand each other. Ours is a unique situation.
--Also adopted

Sure. Of course they didn't choose to be impregnated. But they chose to go forward with the pregnancy. They chose to let that unwanted pregnancy turn into a fetus that was born and is a living, breathing PERSON walking among us. THAT was a choice. A choice that, as you and I know firsthand, affects our lives just as much as that unplanned pregnancy affects our birth mothers.

[Anonymous]

Um, lots of women don't have access to abortion. So the only way to not give birth would be to commit suicide. Are they still "choosing" to give birth in this case?

[Anonymous]

PP: There are some people on this very thread who did not themselves choose to become mothers. I agree that they should not shun their bio children, but some people did not choose to become pregnant. I also agree with most everything else you said...I, too, was offended by the comments of one of the bio moms on this thread.

However, we need to try to understand each other. Ours is a unique situation.
--Also adopted




Sure. Of course they didn't choose to be impregnated. But they chose to go forward with the pregnancy. They chose to let that unwanted pregnancy turn into a fetus that was born and is a living, breathing PERSON walking among us. THAT was a choice. A choice that, as you and I know firsthand, affects our lives just as much as that unplanned pregnancy affects our birth mothers.

Got it....I guess some bio moms have learned to compartmentalize in order to cope with the choice they made, and try to forget that we actually were born and became freethinking people. But take a careful look at your logic. If your bio mom had made a different choice, we would not be here right now. I personally am glad I'm here, and I hope you are.

--your fellow adoptee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PP: There are some people on this very thread who did not themselves choose to become mothers. I agree that they should not shun their bio children, but some people did not choose to become pregnant. I also agree with most everything else you said...I, too, was offended by the comments of one of the bio moms on this thread.

However, we need to try to understand each other. Ours is a unique situation.
--Also adopted




Sure. Of course they didn't choose to be impregnated. But they chose to go forward with the pregnancy. They chose to let that unwanted pregnancy turn into a fetus that was born and is a living, breathing PERSON walking among us. THAT was a choice. A choice that, as you and I know firsthand, affects our lives just as much as that unplanned pregnancy affects our birth mothers.

Got it....I guess some bio moms have learned to compartmentalize in order to cope with the choice they made, and try to forget that we actually were born and became freethinking people. But take a careful look at your logic. If your bio mom had made a different choice, we would not be here right now. I personally am glad I'm here, and I hope you are.

--your fellow adoptee

I am. But if she had made a different choice, I'd be none the wiser.

Instead, I'm here. I know she didn't want me because I'm the nasty result of something unpleasant. She doesn't want a relationship because I'm not a person to her, only living proof that that horrible nasty event took place. So yeah, that part of my life wasn't fun either. Neither is it fun when people ask if I'm adopted (and it's obvious that I was) and ask if I know my birth family. That stings every time.

So I'm glad your adoption circumstances are great. Mine weren't.

I'm speaking only to the PP who acts like because she was raped her child is a piece of filth that she can't bear to look at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who wNts to pretend the child they gave birth to doesn't exist: that's what abortion is for. I'm assuming you gave birth to the child because, you know, you wanted to give life to this HUMAN BEING. Then accept that and accept this human being might want to know where they came from.

Nobody CHOOSES to be born, but every parent CHOOSES to give birth.

You have NO CLUE what it is like to find out you are adopted. No clue what it is like wondering why. No clue what it is like wondering what your mom is like, or if you have siblings, or where you came from.

If this person one day has the courage to reach out to you, please don't make it a million time a worse on them by shunning them AGAIN.

Seriously. The child you gave birth to is a HUMAN BEING with feelings too.

- Adopted

And you have no idea what it is like to be 16 years old and be brutally raped at knife-point, impregnated by rapist, and evangelical parents who refused to allow an abortion.

Personally, I do not give a damn how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you run this by a counselor specializing in adoption? CASE could be a resource (though not inexpensive by any means). I found my birth family and while it was a very successful reunion, it's not without issues that neither of us had anticipated.

OP here, thanks to PPs for all the suggestions. I have completely come to terms with the possibility that she will not want contact--mostly because I don't see my adoption as being "rejected" by my biological mother in the first place. I have considered the possibility that I was conceived during an assault, but I need to think through that more carefully, i.e., what emotional damage will I inflict by reaching out? To the PP quoted above who mentioned issues that neither person had considered, can you give some examples?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP: There are some people on this very thread who did not themselves choose to become mothers. I agree that they should not shun their bio children, but some people did not choose to become pregnant. I also agree with most everything else you said...I, too, was offended by the comments of one of the bio moms on this thread.

However, we need to try to understand each other. Ours is a unique situation.
--Also adopted




Sure. Of course they didn't choose to be impregnated. But they chose to go forward with the pregnancy. They chose to let that unwanted pregnancy turn into a fetus that was born and is a living, breathing PERSON walking among us. THAT was a choice. A choice that, as you and I know firsthand, affects our lives just as much as that unplanned pregnancy affects our birth mothers.

Got it....I guess some bio moms have learned to compartmentalize in order to cope with the choice they made, and try to forget that we actually were born and became freethinking people. But take a careful look at your logic. If your bio mom had made a different choice, we would not be here right now. I personally am glad I'm here, and I hope you are.

--your fellow adoptee

I am. But if she had made a different choice, I'd be none the wiser.

Instead, I'm here. I know she didn't want me because I'm the nasty result of something unpleasant. She doesn't want a relationship because I'm not a person to her, only living proof that that horrible nasty event took place. So yeah, that part of my life wasn't fun either. Neither is it fun when people ask if I'm adopted (and it's obvious that I was) and ask if I know my birth family. That stings every time.

So I'm glad your adoption circumstances are great. Mine weren't.

I'm speaking only to the PP who acts like because she was raped her child is a piece of filth that she can't bear to look at.

Shame on you for judging a person who was subjected to such a horrible ordeal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"My name is Larla Larlason. I was born on July 1, 1980 in Detroit Michigan and was adopted by a very loving family who I love very much. I have always been curious about my birth parents. The ABC Adoption agency has given me information that indicates that you may be my biological mother. I hope this letter is welcome and that we might get to know each other. Please feel free to write to me. Sincerely, Larla Larlason."

Maybe change the bolded to read "you may have information about my biological mother" just in case her husband opens the letter? It seems unlikely that he would, and unlikely that he would open it AND not already know, but just in case . . . if she doesn't want him to know she could say she helped her friend place a baby for adoption on that date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who wNts to pretend the child they gave birth to doesn't exist: that's what abortion is for. I'm assuming you gave birth to the child because, you know, you wanted to give life to this HUMAN BEING. Then accept that and accept this human being might want to know where they came from.

Nobody CHOOSES to be born, but every parent CHOOSES to give birth.

You have NO CLUE what it is like to find out you are adopted. No clue what it is like wondering why. No clue what it is like wondering what your mom is like, or if you have siblings, or where you came from.

If this person one day has the courage to reach out to you, please don't make it a million time a worse on them by shunning them AGAIN.

Seriously. The child you gave birth to is a HUMAN BEING with feelings too.

- Adopted

Except abortion was not legal or always an option. Abortions cost money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who wNts to pretend the child they gave birth to doesn't exist: that's what abortion is for. I'm assuming you gave birth to the child because, you know, you wanted to give life to this HUMAN BEING. Then accept that and accept this human being might want to know where they came from.

Nobody CHOOSES to be born, but every parent CHOOSES to give birth.

You have NO CLUE what it is like to find out you are adopted. No clue what it is like wondering why. No clue what it is like wondering what your mom is like, or if you have siblings, or where you came from.

If this person one day has the courage to reach out to you, please don't make it a million time a worse on them by shunning them AGAIN.

Seriously. The child you gave birth to is a HUMAN BEING with feelings too.

- Adopted

And you have no idea what it is like to be 16 years old and be brutally raped at knife-point, impregnated by rapist, and evangelical parents who refused to allow an abortion.

Personally, I do not give a damn how you feel.

+1, adoption happens for all kinds of reasons. There are some birthmom's/dad's for what ever reason do not want contact. Respect their wishes. Given when many closed adoptions happened, this situation is probably more common than not, sadly. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP: There are some people on this very thread who did not themselves choose to become mothers. I agree that they should not shun their bio children, but some people did not choose to become pregnant. I also agree with most everything else you said...I, too, was offended by the comments of one of the bio moms on this thread.

However, we need to try to understand each other. Ours is a unique situation.
--Also adopted




Sure. Of course they didn't choose to be impregnated. But they chose to go forward with the pregnancy. They chose to let that unwanted pregnancy turn into a fetus that was born and is a living, breathing PERSON walking among us. THAT was a choice. A choice that, as you and I know firsthand, affects our lives just as much as that unplanned pregnancy affects our birth mothers.

Got it....I guess some bio moms have learned to compartmentalize in order to cope with the choice they made, and try to forget that we actually were born and became freethinking people. But take a careful look at your logic. If your bio mom had made a different choice, we would not be here right now. I personally am glad I'm here, and I hope you are.

--your fellow adoptee

I am. But if she had made a different choice, I'd be none the wiser.

Instead, I'm here. I know she didn't want me because I'm the nasty result of something unpleasant. She doesn't want a relationship because I'm not a person to her, only living proof that that horrible nasty event took place. So yeah, that part of my life wasn't fun either. Neither is it fun when people ask if I'm adopted (and it's obvious that I was) and ask if I know my birth family. That stings every time.

So I'm glad your adoption circumstances are great. Mine weren't.

I'm speaking only to the PP who acts like because she was raped her child is a piece of filth that she can't bear to look at.

You are outright missing the point. She was raped and the child is a reminder.