Do I owe this to MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, you don't owe her this. It's a medical procedure, YOUR medical procedure, she isn't entitled to be there.

OP here. Should I make it no grandmas across the board? I think I could probably be ok with just DH and not my mom but it kinda makes me a little sad to have to cut her out.

You can have your mother...she is your mother. Your MIL should understand. Childbirth is one of those things that just breaks you down to your lowest level and it is one of the few things that you have the right to be as selfish about as you want. I swear to my future DILs that I have no desire to watch them give birth and am happy to only come see the baby when you are ready!!

It sounds like MIL does understand. And is sad about it.

It would be very gracious of OP to give her MIL what she asked for. A compromise of asking her to remain by her head might make everyone more comfortable with the request. If OP cannot, then she can't. But it doesn't sound like it would be impossible, just not her first instinct.

And the response to that is, "Oh well." It's not the OP's job to make her MIL's dreams come true at the expense of her own comfort during birth, it's just not.

[Anonymous]

That's crazy. You need to feel comfortable when giving birth, not worried about someone's feelings. Who knows what could happen. Just politely say no.

[Anonymous]

I would do it. For my first birth, there was no way. But MIL has been such a great grandmother and very caring towards me too. It would certainly make me verrrrrry uncomfortable, heck I didn't even want my mom there, but knowing how important it is to her I would do it for a subsequent delivery.

[Anonymous]

My MIL has health issues and lives across the country so her being in the room was never even discussed (she wasn't even in the room for SILs kids being born and was fine with it). My own mother was adamant that she be there when I gave birth and that I would need her. I really didn't want her there as she stresses me out and gets shitty with authority figures like nurses and doctors at every opportunity but I let her guilt me into agreeing that she could be there. Thankfully, I gave birth two weeks late on the only two days she absolutely couldn't attend and I am SO HAPPY she wasn't there. I had a very long labor, was pushing for several hours and I just know I would have lost my shit had my mom been there. I love the woman, LOVE HER, but her being there would have been a complete disaster. Go with your gut and only allow people there that you want there. It isn't a birthday party, it's a birth.

[Anonymous]

You don't owe her this, for sure. It's reasonable for you to only want the people you want in the delivery room. It's your decision.

I get it- my MIL only has sons too, and she has the same complex about being less involved. I make sure to keep her very involved in most thingns and try to make sure that it's "even" between my mother and her. But IMO it's your delivery, your body, and you have every right to decide what you're comfortable with. She might be sad about it but she should understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't owe her this, for sure. It's reasonable for you to only want the people you want in the delivery room. It's your decision.

I get it- my MIL only has sons too, and she has the same complex about being less involved. I make sure to keep her very involved in most thingns and try to make sure that it's "even" between my mother and her. But IMO it's your delivery, your body, and you have every right to decide what you're comfortable with. She might be sad about it but she should understand.

I agree with all of this. You already know how *you* feel OP. It is just a matter of communicating it to MIL.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think maybe being in the delivery room during the start of labor and coming in after I deliver is a good compromise. I think the mental responsibility of kinda "hosting" her is what keeps me from saying no. Sometimes I turn into a huge bitch during these moments and my mom and DH can take it. I wouldn't want to keep mentally censoring myself and being on my best behavior while laboring. But I know thats my issue and not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't owe her this, for sure. It's reasonable for you to only want the people you want in the delivery room. It's your decision.

I get it- my MIL only has sons too, and she has the same complex about being less involved. I make sure to keep her very involved in most thingns and try to make sure that it's "even" between my mother and her. But IMO it's your delivery, your body, and you have every right to decide what you're comfortable with. She might be sad about it but she should understand.

I agree with all of this. You already know how *you* feel OP. It is just a matter of communicating it to MIL.

I agree as well. Also, "fair" doesn't always mean even-stevens. You aren't required to allow your MIL completely equal access to you in order to be fair to her.

[Anonymous]

No way on earth. It's a ridiculous request for anyone to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, you don't owe her this. It's a medical procedure, YOUR medical procedure, she isn't entitled to be there.

OP here. Should I make it no grandmas across the board? I think I could probably be ok with just DH and not my mom but it kinda makes me a little sad to have to cut her out.

You can have your mother...she is your mother. Your MIL should understand. Childbirth is one of those things that just breaks you down to your lowest level and it is one of the few things that you have the right to be as selfish about as you want. I swear to my future DILs that I have no desire to watch them give birth and am happy to only come see the baby when you are ready!!

+1

Childbirth is about the laboring mother. End of story.

No one else gets any say over how it is done.

[Anonymous]

^^^PP here. I have three sons. I know I will miss out on some things that mothers of daughters will experience. That's life.

[Anonymous]

I think you could talk to her and kindly and honestly tell her you just aren't comfortable with anyone else in the delivery room, but that at X point (when you are comfortable - dressed, or baby is out or whatever), you'll send DH to get her. I think you can still make her feel involved without making yourself uncomfortable. You are under absolutely no obligation whatsoever to include someone in the delivery room that you don't want there. Zero.

[Anonymous]

You dont owe her this and you shouldn't have to think about her being there while you are giving birth. You need to be 100% comfortable and as stress free as possible, its whats best for you and the baby.

If its possible for her to be there and you dont even notice her, do it. But if you are thinking about her being there, hoping not to poop in front of her etc, do not do it.

[Anonymous]

You don't owe her this, for sure. It is totally up to you. I didn't have anyone in with us, and we have good relationships with all grandparents. My mom wanted to come to ultrasounds and we kind of ignored that request b/c we just didn't want anyone else around if there were concerns we needed to discuss.

I give you that background to say you certainly don't owe her anything. But, it sounds like you have a good relationship with her and she was a nurse. if you think she'd be okay and respectful you may want to consider it, but not b/c you owe her. And dont' feel guilty either way.

[Anonymous]

PP again - I hear what you said about her only having sons and not getting to be the #1 grandparent. My parents only have me and my brother and I'm done having kids (two). My parents definitely helped more in the first week or so. Can you maybe prioritize your MIL to help more at home with the new baby instead? Just an idea....again, do what you are comfortable with but maybe there is a happy medium.