Do I owe this to MIL?

[Anonymous]

I want to start with saying I have a good relationship with my mother in law. She's friendly and helpful and a giving Grandma. I am pregnant with our 3rd and last baby and DH told me Mil would like to be in the delivery room. She only has sons and her other daughter in laws are done having kids and she feels regretful she will never get to see any of her grandchildren born. She feels slighted because having only sons makes her the "2nd tier" grandma in all cases because all of us daughter in laws tend to defer to our mothers regarding these things. I am very guilty of this. I like my mom helping me after birth and dont mind my own mom seeing me naked or looking gross and in the past have asked MIL to come to hospital 24-48 hours after birth. It gets more complicated as she was a nurse and feels a little disrespected we wouldn't want her in the delivery room for her medical knowledge. I want to have her in the room in theory but its really hard for me to be comfortable with it. I feel very exposed and once I even pooped on my kid during the last push….ain't no body wanna see that. Well, I guess MIL does. I really want to have a great relationship with her and this is one of the few specific things she has asked us. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

No, you don't owe her this. It's a medical procedure, YOUR medical procedure, she isn't entitled to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you don't owe her this. It's a medical procedure, YOUR medical procedure, she isn't entitled to be there.

OP here. Should I make it no grandmas across the board? I think I could probably be ok with just DH and not my mom but it kinda makes me a little sad to have to cut her out.

[Anonymous]

I think, if you can do it, you should let her be there. It sounds like it will mean a lot to her and it sounds like you are more worried about being uncomfortable rather than you two having a contentious relationship.

[Anonymous]

Nope sorry. Your dh wouldn't want your mom in the room during his colonoscopy either.

[Anonymous]

Of course not. There is no way in 100000 years I would allow anyone but my husband and the medical team in the delivery room.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't care, but then all my body issues evaporated during my first emergency birth when 25 residents where in the room.
I've pooped at every birth. So what? It's going to be MIL's problem, not yours, if she sees, hears and smells things she wasn't planning on

[Anonymous]

Huh? No absolutely not. You don't owe her this st all. Whatever you're comfortable with goes, that's final. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, you don't owe her this. It's a medical procedure, YOUR medical procedure, she isn't entitled to be there.

OP here. Should I make it no grandmas across the board? I think I could probably be ok with just DH and not my mom but it kinda makes me a little sad to have to cut her out.

You can have your mother...she is your mother. Your MIL should understand. Childbirth is one of those things that just breaks you down to your lowest level and it is one of the few things that you have the right to be as selfish about as you want. I swear to my future DILs that I have no desire to watch them give birth and am happy to only come see the baby when you are ready!!

[Anonymous]

You are having the baby, you make the rules. If you want your mom there and not MIL, then that's the way it is. Its a major medical procedure, and frankly selfish to impose oneself on a mother giving birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think, if you can do it, you should let her be there. It sounds like it will mean a lot to her and it sounds like you are more worried about being uncomfortable rather than you two having a contentious relationship.

Because it's one of the few things she asked for.

[Anonymous]

Could you agree to it with the strict stipulation that she stay by your head? That's where I kept DH during both of my births because, frankly, he couldn't handle it otherwise.

My MIL and I have a great relationship and she was a nurse for many, many years. I would have been fine with her in the room. But she didn't even ask--she has the strongest sense of boundaries of any MIL I've even met.

My mom was in the room and basically my doula for the first birth. She was great.

[Anonymous]

There's no way I'd want my MIL there, but mostly because it's impossible for her to just sit back and lay low. She'd be commenting on everything, giving her opinions, asking questions and being a busybody. I'd probably blow up at her at some point, which of course, I'd later regret but the damage would be done and she'd never get over that. There would be more potential for the situation to be awful and do damage to our relationship than there would be for it to better the relationship. And if it was my last child, I would probably want it to be just DH and me knowing that we would never have that experience again.

OP, maybe there is another way for MIL to be involved with this child in lieu of being in the delivery room, something she didn't get to do or experience with the other grandkids. This way you're acknowledging how special this occasion is to her, even though you're not able to accommodate the specific request she made to be in the delivery room.

[Anonymous]

Neither my MIL nor my mom saw any of their grandchildren being born. Neither one said squat about it.

[Anonymous]

You stay in the delivery room for two hours after the birth in most hospitals. Can you have her come in after the baby is born but while you're still in the delivery room? Maybe she could cut the cord? You will have had a chance to cover up and catch your breath at that point.