MIL pressuring my daughter to tell her everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 4 year old daughter recently shared that my MIL told her doing her last visit that she is supposed to tell her everything, everything about her and her brother. My dd expressed that she told her no. Because I know my MIL, I gathered she has been pumping my daughter for information relative to the private matters of our home in our absence. I don't want to jump the gun here. After all, I am getting this information from a preschooler. My MIL and I get along great. We have bumped heads in the past but it's never been something we can't get past. I however, fear that she may be unintentionally creating an uncomfortable dynamic with my dd.
Should I try to ask my dd more pressing questions about what specifically was asked? I didn't push the matter because I don't want to alert my daughter that something was wrong.
Am I overreacting? My MIL has a tendency to do certain things when my FIL isn't present. This is something I can't see her saying with others around. Also during another recent visit my dd expressed to my Mil that she wasn't supposed to do something (that Mil is aware of) and MIL told my dd that she knows more than me and she allowed dd to do it. I appreciate having an involved grandparent but I fear she may not know her place.

I do realize that she could've been coming from a good place and I'm interpreting this all wrong. What are your thoughts?

Yes, very much so. What are you hiding?

Now I know that she wasn't asking anything relative to our house. As far as hiding anything, I think my husband and I are entitled to live our lives without worry that my MIL is having DD come back and report the inner workings of our lives. I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation.

She's FOUR. You expect her to not go tell grandma when you say "Grandma is wrong and you are right"? You expect her to not repeat things she hears around your house? I think your expectations of a four year old understanding what can and can't be told are a bit strange.

She's supposed to tell you everything that happened at grandma's, but she's not supposed to tell anything that happens at home to grandma?

[Anonymous]

Please, OP, save yourself years of resentment and don't be afraid of saying directly to your MIL:
"I said X, Y, Z, and i expect these to be followed."
Look her in the eye and speak calmly.
Don't engage if she starts a fight.
Limit contact if she starts pressuring your children to do something you don't want them to do.
You have the upper hand here, AND you're in the right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 4 year old daughter recently shared that my MIL told her doing her last visit that she is supposed to tell her everything, everything about her and her brother. My dd expressed that she told her no. Because I know my MIL, I gathered she has been pumping my daughter for information relative to the private matters of our home in our absence. I don't want to jump the gun here. After all, I am getting this information from a preschooler. My MIL and I get along great. We have bumped heads in the past but it's never been something we can't get past. I however, fear that she may be unintentionally creating an uncomfortable dynamic with my dd.
Should I try to ask my dd more pressing questions about what specifically was asked? I didn't push the matter because I don't want to alert my daughter that something was wrong.
Am I overreacting? My MIL has a tendency to do certain things when my FIL isn't present. This is something I can't see her saying with others around. Also during another recent visit my dd expressed to my Mil that she wasn't supposed to do something (that Mil is aware of) and MIL told my dd that she knows more than me and she allowed dd to do it. I appreciate having an involved grandparent but I fear she may not know her place.

I do realize that she could've been coming from a good place and I'm interpreting this all wrong. What are your thoughts?

Yes, very much so. What are you hiding?

Now I know that she wasn't asking anything relative to our house. As far as hiding anything, I think my husband and I are entitled to live our lives without worry that my MIL is having DD come back and report the inner workings of our lives. I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation.

She's FOUR. You expect her to not go tell grandma when you say "Grandma is wrong and you are right"? You expect her to not repeat things she hears around your house? I think your expectations of a four year old understanding what can and can't be told are a bit strange.

She's supposed to tell you everything that happened at grandma's, but she's not supposed to tell anything that happens at home to grandma?

Op here, if you read the thread in its entirety you would see that in don't that. I never say anything negative about MIL to dd or around dd. I'm not crazy. I understand that dd would go and repeat it not just to inlaws but anyone willing to listen. What I'm referring to is having MiL fishing around for info about what goes on in my house etc. questions like....what did mommy say about such and such an so and so, or do Mommy and dad argue?
Just general questions to satiate her own desire to know any and everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

It's usually a grandparent overnight visit twice a month. I'm not taking advantage of their time. They want the visit just as much. I'm seriously considering stopping it. Physically she takes good care of our kids but she also chooses to disregard some of our more important rules (one we head butted over last year) The rule that she never leave our kids unsupervised with other kids. She was infamous for leaving my oldest dd with a cousin (her brother's son) who is about 3 years older in the basement watching a movie or playing. I shared that I was uncomfortable with kids being left alone because many things can occur (child molestation, exchange of unhealthy info etc) and she continued it so this until we finally got FIL involved. I don't like leaving my kids with her alone because she doesn't respect my rules. She always tells me that she raised Dh etc.

You won't leave your DD alone with a cousin in the basement for fear of molestation? Omg you are a loon.

A loon? Or a person who has been molested by older relatives when left alone.

A 4-year old can't play unsupervised with a 7-year old cousin, with responsible adults in the house? That seems over the top. Still, MIL should respect the parents' rules, even if she disagrees.

Op here, not if said adults are upstairs out of sight and out of earshot of the kids. We are talking about a four year old. I know it's hard to imagine that kids could do anything with adults present in the house, but I know unfortunately from experience and from hearing about others experiences that this can and does happen even when adults are in the house. But I want to be clear, it's not molestation only (or exposure to playing doctor) that I worry about. It's a safety issue and it's a physical and emotional isssue. If my kids are to stay with MiL she has to respect that watching them means keeping an eye on them. My son is 1. I'm sorry that this makes people feel that I'm a bit over the top but I have my reasons. As a mom my first priority is to look out for the safety and welfare of my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

It's usually a grandparent overnight visit twice a month. I'm not taking advantage of their time. They want the visit just as much. I'm seriously considering stopping it. Physically she takes good care of our kids but she also chooses to disregard some of our more important rules (one we head butted over last year) The rule that she never leave our kids unsupervised with other kids. She was infamous for leaving my oldest dd with a cousin (her brother's son) who is about 3 years older in the basement watching a movie or playing. I shared that I was uncomfortable with kids being left alone because many things can occur (child molestation, exchange of unhealthy info etc) and she continued it so this until we finally got FIL involved. I don't like leaving my kids with her alone because she doesn't respect my rules. She always tells me that she raised Dh etc.

You won't leave your DD alone with a cousin in the basement for fear of molestation? Omg you are a loon.

A loon? Or a person who has been molested by older relatives when left alone.

A 4-year old can't play unsupervised with a 7-year old cousin, with responsible adults in the house? That seems over the top. Still, MIL should respect the parents' rules, even if she disagrees.

Op here, not if said adults are upstairs out of sight and out of earshot of the kids. We are talking about a four year old. I know it's hard to imagine that kids could do anything with adults present in the house, but I know unfortunately from experience and from hearing about others experiences that this can and does happen even when adults are in the house. But I want to be clear, it's not molestation only (or exposure to playing doctor) that I worry about. It's a safety issue and it's a physical and emotional isssue. If my kids are to stay with MiL she has to respect that watching them means keeping an eye on them. My son is 1. I'm sorry that this makes people feel that I'm a bit over the top but I have my reasons. As a mom my first priority is to look out for the safety and welfare of my children.

Then DO SO, by either watching your kids yourself/with your husband, by leaving them with a more trustworthy/play-by-the-rules friend or family member, or by hiring a professional caregiver. MIL isn't working out. OK. Instead of playing politics and trying to "win" and bend her to your will, thank her for what she has done for you, and MOVE ON.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

It's usually a grandparent overnight visit twice a month. I'm not taking advantage of their time. They want the visit just as much. I'm seriously considering stopping it. Physically she takes good care of our kids but she also chooses to disregard some of our more important rules (one we head butted over last year) The rule that she never leave our kids unsupervised with other kids. She was infamous for leaving my oldest dd with a cousin (her brother's son) who is about 3 years older in the basement watching a movie or playing. I shared that I was uncomfortable with kids being left alone because many things can occur (child molestation, exchange of unhealthy info etc) and she continued it so this until we finally got FIL involved. I don't like leaving my kids with her alone because she doesn't respect my rules. She always tells me that she raised Dh etc.

You won't leave your DD alone with a cousin in the basement for fear of molestation? Omg you are a loon.

A loon? Or a person who has been molested by older relatives when left alone.

A 4-year old can't play unsupervised with a 7-year old cousin, with responsible adults in the house? That seems over the top. Still, MIL should respect the parents' rules, even if she disagrees.

I'm going to agree that is extreme. If OP has some background that leads her to have extreme concerns about molestation, I think its fine to respect that, but in that case I would not allow overnight visits at all. It's unreasonable to say that a 4yo and 7yo can't be alone in the house together, when the adults are in the house. That is not a normal restriction.

Perhaps unreasonable and not a normal restriction for you. I don't see anything wrong with the restriction. I could possible see your argument if the kids were a bit older. But a four year old, that's young.

[Anonymous]

I can totally see my MIL acting like this. On multiple occasions, she has disregarded our rules and told DC something along the lines of "Well, even if Daddy said no, Grandma says it's ok." Right in front of us, no less! I have no doubt she pumps DC for info, too. The last straw was when she allowed DC to play with a dangerous appliance unsupervised. DH walked in and saw what was happening and exploded. She tried to justify why it wasn't a big deal and that DC was having fun, so there's no harm. We could not make her understand how dangerous it was, so DH and I decided that we cannot allow her to be alone with DC any longer. Her judgment is off and she thinks she knows best, so from now on she gets no alone time with our kids. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

It's usually a grandparent overnight visit twice a month. I'm not taking advantage of their time. They want the visit just as much. I'm seriously considering stopping it. Physically she takes good care of our kids but she also chooses to disregard some of our more important rules (one we head butted over last year) The rule that she never leave our kids unsupervised with other kids. She was infamous for leaving my oldest dd with a cousin (her brother's son) who is about 3 years older in the basement watching a movie or playing. I shared that I was uncomfortable with kids being left alone because many things can occur (child molestation, exchange of unhealthy info etc) and she continued it so this until we finally got FIL involved. I don't like leaving my kids with her alone because she doesn't respect my rules. She always tells me that she raised Dh etc.

You won't leave your DD alone with a cousin in the basement for fear of molestation? Omg you are a loon.

A loon? Or a person who has been molested by older relatives when left alone.

Now you are putting your issues on your kid. Yes that's weird. Not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

It's usually a grandparent overnight visit twice a month. I'm not taking advantage of their time. They want the visit just as much. I'm seriously considering stopping it. Physically she takes good care of our kids but she also chooses to disregard some of our more important rules (one we head butted over last year) The rule that she never leave our kids unsupervised with other kids. She was infamous for leaving my oldest dd with a cousin (her brother's son) who is about 3 years older in the basement watching a movie or playing. I shared that I was uncomfortable with kids being left alone because many things can occur (child molestation, exchange of unhealthy info etc) and she continued it so this until we finally got FIL involved. I don't like leaving my kids with her alone because she doesn't respect my rules. She always tells me that she raised Dh etc.

You won't leave your DD alone with a cousin in the basement for fear of molestation? Omg you are a loon.

A loon? Or a person who has been molested by older relatives when left alone.

Now you are putting your issues on your kid. Yes that's weird. Not normal.

Not weird.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks to all who weighed in. I'm going to have a heart to heart talk with MIL and explain how I'm feeling with the hopes that she will understand as I don't want to sever therelationship.
My MiL adores dd and dd adores her.
Also for those that think I'm being unreasonable about having my dd left unsupervised (especially with other kids) until it happens to you or to those you love, you will never understand. It will always appear unreasonable in your eyes.
Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

[Anonymous]

No more alone time for grandma. I don't think it matters if you tell her the real reason or make something up, i.e., your DD is suddenly afraid of the dark. Since MIL has already disrespected your authority, control the outcome rather than focusing on direct communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

It's usually a grandparent overnight visit twice a month. I'm not taking advantage of their time. They want the visit just as much. I'm seriously considering stopping it. Physically she takes good care of our kids but she also chooses to disregard some of our more important rules (one we head butted over last year) The rule that she never leave our kids unsupervised with other kids. She was infamous for leaving my oldest dd with a cousin (her brother's son) who is about 3 years older in the basement watching a movie or playing. I shared that I was uncomfortable with kids being left alone because many things can occur (child molestation, exchange of unhealthy info etc) and she continued it so this until we finally got FIL involved. I don't like leaving my kids with her alone because she doesn't respect my rules. She always tells me that she raised Dh etc.

You won't leave your DD alone with a cousin in the basement for fear of molestation? Omg you are a loon.

A loon? Or a person who has been molested by older relatives when left alone.

Now you are putting your issues on your kid. Yes that's weird. Not normal.

+1 you are going to mess your kids up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

It's usually a grandparent overnight visit twice a month. I'm not taking advantage of their time. They want the visit just as much. I'm seriously considering stopping it. Physically she takes good care of our kids but she also chooses to disregard some of our more important rules (one we head butted over last year) The rule that she never leave our kids unsupervised with other kids. She was infamous for leaving my oldest dd with a cousin (her brother's son) who is about 3 years older in the basement watching a movie or playing. I shared that I was uncomfortable with kids being left alone because many things can occur (child molestation, exchange of unhealthy info etc) and she continued it so this until we finally got FIL involved. I don't like leaving my kids with her alone because she doesn't respect my rules. She always tells me that she raised Dh etc.

You won't leave your DD alone with a cousin in the basement for fear of molestation? Omg you are a loon.

A loon? Or a person who has been molested by older relatives when left alone.

Now you are putting your issues on your kid. Yes that's weird. Not normal.

+1 you are going to mess your kids up.

I'm pretty sure that kids can be supervised without her deflecting any of her issues on her kid. There are a lot of things I do to protect my kid especially when we are out and about but I don't necessarily make those things known to my kid.

[Anonymous]

So what's MIl supposed to do? Tell her other kid sorry Dave but Larlo can't play with Larla any more because Rob's wife thinks he's going to molest Larla. Yup that's going to go well if my brother's wife implied my kid was a molester there would be hell to pay. Like the I make damn sure that side of the family was cut off from everyone else kind of hell.

[Anonymous]

MIL doesn't need to say anything that extreme, just watch the kids together. Not that hard.