MIL pressuring my daughter to tell her everything

[Anonymous]

My 4 year old daughter recently shared that my MIL told her doing her last visit that she is supposed to tell her everything, everything about her and her brother. My dd expressed that she told her no. Because I know my MIL, I gathered she has been pumping my daughter for information relative to the private matters of our home in our absence. I don't want to jump the gun here. After all, I am getting this information from a preschooler. My MIL and I get along great. We have bumped heads in the past but it's never been something we can't get past. I however, fear that she may be unintentionally creating an uncomfortable dynamic with my dd.
Should I try to ask my dd more pressing questions about what specifically was asked? I didn't push the matter because I don't want to alert my daughter that something was wrong.
Am I overreacting? My MIL has a tendency to do certain things when my FIL isn't present. This is something I can't see her saying with others around. Also during another recent visit my dd expressed to my Mil that she wasn't supposed to do something (that Mil is aware of) and MIL told my dd that she knows more than me and she allowed dd to do it. I appreciate having an involved grandparent but I fear she may not know her place.

I do realize that she could've been coming from a good place and I'm interpreting this all wrong. What are your thoughts?

[Anonymous]

What sort of info is she trying to get from a 4yo? What rule is she allowing your dd to break? Context matters a bit here. If she's letting her have a cookie before dinner, then meh, that's sort of a "grandma" thing. If she's letting her ride in the car without a car seat, that would be a big deal.

Does your dd spend alot of time alone with mil?

[Anonymous]

No more alone time with Grandma for awhile is my thought.

What does your DH say?

[Anonymous]

Op here, so this was obviously bothering me. So this morning I found a way to broach the subject with dd again. She said that Mil was pushing dd to tell her which one of us her dad or myself said something about the rule being broken.

I know I'm being vague here but I don't want to risk her or anyone else in the family reading anything here. Ultimately I left out one portion and that portion is this. After the incident, my dd mentioned that grandma says she knows better than you. I responded with well she doesn't and I reiterated the rule and told her that if it happened again that she was to reiterate the rule. As soon as I dropped dd off she mentioned it. My husband and I of course had mentioned it on the way to drop off.
MIL confronted my dd and said your mom told you to say that didn't she. I responded both her dad and I. It seems like 2 days later she will still hounding her about it.
This upsets me because I could've confronted her about what she said to my dd but I chose to take a higher road. It makes dd feel she's being pitted between us and I don't like it.

[Anonymous]

Op here, I see one mistake I made. I shouldn't have asked dd to reiterate a rule that mil already knew. I should've handled it myself to keep dd out of the middle.
Lesson learned!

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to find a way for you all to avoid MIL for a few days/weeks or whatever it takes. Does she take care of your DD during the day? It sounds a bit like it. If that's the case, then get another caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no. My MIL pulls this crap. It all comes down to not respecting you as a parent. I feel sad for your daughter as her grandma is behaving very badly. My sympathies OP. I don't understand why these people don't see we're on the same team! We all want the best for our children and grandchildren so let's work together!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to find a way for you all to avoid MIL for a few days/weeks or whatever it takes. Does she take care of your DD during the day? It sounds a bit like it. If that's the case, then get another caregiver.

She and FIL watches DD twice a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, I see one mistake I made. I shouldn't have asked dd to reiterate a rule that mil already knew. I should've handled it myself to keep dd out of the middle.
Lesson learned!

Agree with keeping dd out of the middle, but your dh needs to handle his mother. He needs to reiterate that you are the parents, you are in charge, and if she wants to continue to maintain a relationship with your dd, she'll drop whatever rulebreaking is going on, and drop asking your dd inappropriate questions.

Does your dd see MIL alone often? I'd be pulling back on that if this is how she is going to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 4 year old daughter recently shared that my MIL told her doing her last visit that she is supposed to tell her everything, everything about her and her brother. My dd expressed that she told her no. Because I know my MIL, I gathered she has been pumping my daughter for information relative to the private matters of our home in our absence. I don't want to jump the gun here. After all, I am getting this information from a preschooler. My MIL and I get along great. We have bumped heads in the past but it's never been something we can't get past. I however, fear that she may be unintentionally creating an uncomfortable dynamic with my dd.
Should I try to ask my dd more pressing questions about what specifically was asked? I didn't push the matter because I don't want to alert my daughter that something was wrong.
Am I overreacting? My MIL has a tendency to do certain things when my FIL isn't present. This is something I can't see her saying with others around. Also during another recent visit my dd expressed to my Mil that she wasn't supposed to do something (that Mil is aware of) and MIL told my dd that she knows more than me and she allowed dd to do it. I appreciate having an involved grandparent but I fear she may not know her place.

I do realize that she could've been coming from a good place and I'm interpreting this all wrong. What are your thoughts?

Yes, very much so. What are you hiding?

[Anonymous]

I think in the second instance your daughter is playing you.

[Anonymous]

You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, I see one mistake I made. I shouldn't have asked dd to reiterate a rule that mil already knew. I should've handled it myself to keep dd out of the middle.
Lesson learned!

Agree with keeping dd out of the middle, but your dh needs to handle his mother. He needs to reiterate that you are the parents, you are in charge, and if she wants to continue to maintain a relationship with your dd, she'll drop whatever rulebreaking is going on, and drop asking your dd inappropriate questions.

Does your dd see MIL alone often? I'd be pulling back on that if this is how she is going to be.

Usually the visit is an overnight grandparent visit. My dh is on board and says that she will have to learn that our rules trump hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 4 year old daughter recently shared that my MIL told her doing her last visit that she is supposed to tell her everything, everything about her and her brother. My dd expressed that she told her no. Because I know my MIL, I gathered she has been pumping my daughter for information relative to the private matters of our home in our absence. I don't want to jump the gun here. After all, I am getting this information from a preschooler. My MIL and I get along great. We have bumped heads in the past but it's never been something we can't get past. I however, fear that she may be unintentionally creating an uncomfortable dynamic with my dd.
Should I try to ask my dd more pressing questions about what specifically was asked? I didn't push the matter because I don't want to alert my daughter that something was wrong.
Am I overreacting? My MIL has a tendency to do certain things when my FIL isn't present. This is something I can't see her saying with others around. Also during another recent visit my dd expressed to my Mil that she wasn't supposed to do something (that Mil is aware of) and MIL told my dd that she knows more than me and she allowed dd to do it. I appreciate having an involved grandparent but I fear she may not know her place.

I do realize that she could've been coming from a good place and I'm interpreting this all wrong. What are your thoughts?

Yes, very much so. What are you hiding?

Now I know that she wasn't asking anything relative to our house. As far as hiding anything, I think my husband and I are entitled to live our lives without worry that my MIL is having DD come back and report the inner workings of our lives. I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, I see one mistake I made. I shouldn't have asked dd to reiterate a rule that mil already knew. I should've handled it myself to keep dd out of the middle.
Lesson learned!

Agree with keeping dd out of the middle, but your dh needs to handle his mother. He needs to reiterate that you are the parents, you are in charge, and if she wants to continue to maintain a relationship with your dd, she'll drop whatever rulebreaking is going on, and drop asking your dd inappropriate questions.

Does your dd see MIL alone often? I'd be pulling back on that if this is how she is going to be.

Usually the visit is an overnight grandparent visit. My dh is on board and says that she will have to learn that our rules trump hers.

That's good. Definately have dh be the one to discuss it with her. I'm assuming this rises above the level of "cookies before dinner"? It's okay for Grandma's house to have "Grandma rules", as long as it's not something serious or a safety issue.