MIL pressuring my daughter to tell her everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL doesn't need to say anything that extreme, just watch the kids together. Not that hard.

OP can watch the kids herself. Not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

It's usually a grandparent overnight visit twice a month. I'm not taking advantage of their time. They want the visit just as much. I'm seriously considering stopping it. Physically she takes good care of our kids but she also chooses to disregard some of our more important rules (one we head butted over last year) The rule that she never leave our kids unsupervised with other kids. She was infamous for leaving my oldest dd with a cousin (her brother's son) who is about 3 years older in the basement watching a movie or playing. I shared that I was uncomfortable with kids being left alone because many things can occur (child molestation, exchange of unhealthy info etc) and she continued it so this until we finally got FIL involved. I don't like leaving my kids with her alone because she doesn't respect my rules. She always tells me that she raised Dh etc.

You won't leave your DD alone with a cousin in the basement for fear of molestation? Omg you are a loon.

A loon? Or a person who has been molested by older relatives when left alone.

Now you are putting your issues on your kid. Yes that's weird. Not normal.

+1 you are going to mess your kids up.

I'm pretty sure that kids can be supervised without her deflecting any of her issues on her kid. There are a lot of things I do to protect my kid especially when we are out and about but I don't necessarily make those things known to my kid.

You don't have to say the words to cause issues. You and OP's kids are going to have issues because of your irrational fears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL doesn't need to say anything that extreme, just watch the kids together. Not that hard.

OP can watch the kids herself. Not that hard.

PP here. Agreed. I should have written that instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL doesn't need to say anything that extreme, just watch the kids together. Not that hard.

OP can watch the kids herself. Not that hard.

PP here. Agreed. I should have written that instead.

+1. If she's that concerned about a 4yo spending time alone in a room with a 7yo cousin, she should not be allowing overnight visits anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL doesn't need to say anything that extreme, just watch the kids together. Not that hard.

Cousin's parent stay for a bit after dropping their kid off they want to visit with grandma and grandpa for a bit, have some coffee and cake, but they can't because grandma keeps awkwardly following the kids about or insisting they color at the table. Cousin's parents ask what is going on and grandma says she just wants the kids to be safe. Parents tell her they are fine, let them go play lego. Grandma sits a minute, but starts to fidget. Cousin's parents ask what's up and grandma says she needs to check on the kids. Son reminds her she never hovered like this when he was a kid. Grandma agrees, but DIL is a worrier and she doesn't want any trouble.
Cousin's parents role their eyes and ask what's the problem now because SIL/DIL is a known PITA. Grandmas hesitates initially she doesn't really want drama, or risk not being able to see her grandchild, but with a few questions the story comes out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL doesn't need to say anything that extreme, just watch the kids together. Not that hard.

Cousin's parent stay for a bit after dropping their kid off they want to visit with grandma and grandpa for a bit, have some coffee and cake, but they can't because grandma keeps awkwardly following the kids about or insisting they color at the table. Cousin's parents ask what is going on and grandma says she just wants the kids to be safe. Parents tell her they are fine, let them go play lego. Grandma sits a minute, but starts to fidget. Cousin's parents ask what's up and grandma says she needs to check on the kids. Son reminds her she never hovered like this when he was a kid. Grandma agrees, but DIL is a worrier and she doesn't want any trouble.
Cousin's parents role their eyes and ask what's the problem now because SIL/DIL is a known PITA. Grandmas hesitates initially she doesn't really want drama, or risk not being able to see her grandchild, but with a few questions the story comes out.

Op was referring to her MIL's nephew not her MIL's grandson. Also, she's talking about leaving kids in a basement alone. People are looking at the idea of molestation only, when Op has stated that it's for other reasons as well like the safety of her 4 year old. I am not particularly crazy about the way my sister is raising her children. She has exposed them to so many things that I would never want my son to be exposed to. They live several states away but I can assure you I would watch my son like a hawk around her kids. I'm sure Op has a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL doesn't need to say anything that extreme, just watch the kids together. Not that hard.

OP can watch the kids herself. Not that hard.

PP here. Agreed. I should have written that instead.

+1. If she's that concerned about a 4yo spending time alone in a room with a 7yo cousin, she should not be allowing overnight visits anywhere.

+1 You can't insist on ridiculous restrictions and then be surprised with people don't follow them to a T. Especially when they seem unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what's MIl supposed to do? Tell her other kid sorry Dave but Larlo can't play with Larla any more because Rob's wife thinks he's going to molest Larla. Yup that's going to go well if my brother's wife implied my kid was a molester there would be hell to pay. Like the I make damn sure that side of the family was cut off from everyone else kind of hell


Op here, I would never say the kids couldn't play together. (They are second cousins by the way) All I have asked of my MIL is to not leave the kids unsupervised. Why is that such an unreasonable request? The kids are very much allowed to play in an adjoining room with the door open. I do this in my own home, popping in and out on them every few minutes. But upstairs while everyone else is downstairs, or vice versa is not allowed. I understand that some of you will think it's overboard but that's fine, I will always protect my kids first and all of the adults involved will have to get over it.
Yes I want supervision to ensure that my kids aren't exposed to inappropriate touches, material beyond their years, and just for their safetyoverall.
I wonder how many people would be okay with a sitter leaving your young preschooler in the basement while they were on the phone chatting with someone or doing whatever else. It's not okay to leave kids unsupervised no matter who is doing it. My inlaws want the quality time with my children and I want them to have it, but there are rules they will have to follow. Reasonableness is subjective here and for me the rules aren't. If they aren't willing to follow the rules than they will get quality time when we all visit. I will not budge on this. Thank you for your responses.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, but if you are that concerned about your kids being left alone for a moment or two with adults in the house then you should really not be leaving them with anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but if you are that concerned about your kids being left alone for a moment or two with adults in the house then you should really not be leaving them with anyone.

Op here, words are important here. You said for a moment or two. I'm not referring to this. I'm referring to intentionally leaving a kid in a room alone so you can go do whatever. A moment is brief. But there is one thing I agree with and that is that I shouldn't leave them with anyone else. The consensus here seems to be that my request is unreasonable. I can respect that. I just won't let them visit inlaws alone anymore and that way the adults don't get their feelings hurt. Case closed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but if you are that concerned about your kids being left alone for a moment or two with adults in the house then you should really not be leaving them with anyone.

Op here, words are important here. You said for a moment or two. I'm not referring to this. I'm referring to intentionally leaving a kid in a room alone so you can go do whatever. A moment is brief. But there is one thing I agree with and that is that I shouldn't leave them with anyone else. The consensus here seems to be that my request is unreasonable. I can respect that. I just won't let them visit inlaws alone anymore and that way the adults don't get their feelings hurt. Case closed!

Your request does seem unreasonable to most of us. You have your reasons and your fears. And that is totally fair but it is on you to stop the overnight visits, not on your MIL to give in to your unreasonable demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but if you are that concerned about your kids being left alone for a moment or two with adults in the house then you should really not be leaving them with anyone.

Op here, words are important here. You said for a moment or two. I'm not referring to this. I'm referring to intentionally leaving a kid in a room alone so you can go do whatever. A moment is brief. But there is one thing I agree with and that is that I shouldn't leave them with anyone else. The consensus here seems to be that my request is unreasonable. I can respect that. I just won't let them visit inlaws alone anymore and that way the adults don't get their feelings hurt. Case closed!

Your request does seem unreasonable to most of us. You have your reasons and your fears. And that is totally fair but it is on you to stop the overnight visits, not on your MIL to give in to your unreasonable demands.

Op here, yes. Stopping the visits. Thanks

[Anonymous]

At certain ages kids often do experiment sexually. Either alone or on other kids. I don't think they intentionally set out to do this. I'm sure this experimentation is done in secret. Experimentation is natural, but I can see how Op would want to protect her children from it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL doesn't need to say anything that extreme, just watch the kids together. Not that hard.

Cousin's parent stay for a bit after dropping their kid off they want to visit with grandma and grandpa for a bit, have some coffee and cake, but they can't because grandma keeps awkwardly following the kids about or insisting they color at the table. Cousin's parents ask what is going on and grandma says she just wants the kids to be safe. Parents tell her they are fine, let them go play lego. Grandma sits a minute, but starts to fidget. Cousin's parents ask what's up and grandma says she needs to check on the kids. Son reminds her she never hovered like this when he was a kid. Grandma agrees, but DIL is a worrier and she doesn't want any trouble.
Cousin's parents role their eyes and ask what's the problem now because SIL/DIL is a known PITA. Grandmas hesitates initially she doesn't really want drama, or risk not being able to see her grandchild, but with a few questions the story comes out.

YES! +1000

That's exactly how that scenario would go down, as the OP DOES sound like a PITA (pain in the ass!).
I imagine the whole family already knows this though, it's probably been the topic of discussion for years.
Oh... and that bolded part is called emotional blackmail (I don't get my way, you're the one who's going to pay).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what's MIl supposed to do? Tell her other kid sorry Dave but Larlo can't play with Larla any more because Rob's wife thinks he's going to molest Larla. Yup that's going to go well if my brother's wife implied my kid was a molester there would be hell to pay. Like the I make damn sure that side of the family was cut off from everyone else kind of hell


Op here, I would never say the kids couldn't play together. (They are second cousins by the way) All I have asked of my MIL is to not leave the kids unsupervised. Why is that such an unreasonable request? The kids are very much allowed to play in an adjoining room with the door open. I do this in my own home, popping in and out on them every few minutes. But upstairs while everyone else is downstairs, or vice versa is not allowed. I understand that some of you will think it's overboard but that's fine, I will always protect my kids first and all of the adults involved will have to get over it.
Yes I want supervision to ensure that my kids aren't exposed to inappropriate touches, material beyond their years, and just for their safetyoverall.
I wonder how many people would be okay with a sitter leaving your young preschooler in the basement while they were on the phone chatting with someone or doing whatever else. It's not okay to leave kids unsupervised no matter who is doing it. My inlaws want the quality time with my children and I want them to have it, but there are rules they will have to follow. Reasonableness is subjective here and for me the rules aren't. If they aren't willing to follow the rules than they will get quality time when we all visit. I will not budge on this. Thank you for your responses.

Definitely the family PITA.