MIL pressuring my daughter to tell her everything

[Anonymous]

She's out of line. I wouldn't tolerate that. When people are watching my child, either they respect my rules or they will not continue to be entrusted with my child's care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

It's usually a grandparent overnight visit twice a month. I'm not taking advantage of their time. They want the visit just as much. I'm seriously considering stopping it. Physically she takes good care of our kids but she also chooses to disregard some of our more important rules (one we head butted over last year) The rule that she never leave our kids unsupervised with other kids. She was infamous for leaving my oldest dd with a cousin (her brother's son) who is about 3 years older in the basement watching a movie or playing. I shared that I was uncomfortable with kids being left alone because many things can occur (child molestation, exchange of unhealthy info etc) and she continued it so this until we finally got FIL involved. I don't like leaving my kids with her alone because she doesn't respect my rules. She always tells me that she raised Dh etc.

[Anonymous]

She's 4. Your mil might have said ,"how was your day? Tell me everything!" Ask your dh to clear that up with your mil

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in the second instance your daughter is playing you.

How so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, I see one mistake I made. I shouldn't have asked dd to reiterate a rule that mil already knew. I should've handled it myself to keep dd out of the middle.
Lesson learned!

Agree with keeping dd out of the middle, but your dh needs to handle his mother. He needs to reiterate that you are the parents, you are in charge, and if she wants to continue to maintain a relationship with your dd, she'll drop whatever rulebreaking is going on, and drop asking your dd inappropriate questions.

Does your dd see MIL alone often? I'd be pulling back on that if this is how she is going to be.

Usually the visit is an overnight grandparent visit. My dh is on board and says that she will have to learn that our rules trump hers.

That's good. Definately have dh be the one to discuss it with her. I'm assuming this rises above the level of "cookies before dinner"? It's okay for Grandma's house to have "Grandma rules", as long as it's not something serious or a safety issue. [/quote

Yes, it does. My kids have a bedtime at 8 every night. At my inlaws they go down about 10. I don't like it. But I understand there are certain things I shouldn't push on. I try to be very discerning about which rules are worth the fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
MIL confronted my dd and said your mom told you to say that didn't she. I responded both her dad and I. It seems like 2 days later she will still hounding her about it.
This upsets me because I could've confronted her about what she said to my dd but I chose to take a higher road. It makes dd feel she's being pitted between us and I don't like it.

Grandma, if you have a problem with our rules, you can discuss it with us. You just made Larla very uncomfortable, and we are going home now. Maybe next time Larla will be comfortable enough to visit with you.

And I agree with pps that if she cannot respect your rules, and claims to know better than you, she should not be left alone with dd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think in the second instance your daughter is playing you.

How so?

I don't think so, my dd has been shielded from any drama and I don't make her think her grandmother is doing anything wrong. I'm extremely intentional on praising my inlaws to dd. I don't want to create an uncomfortable atmosphere for dd. So I talk to dh about things out of earshot of dd. Believe me it's tough. I didn't do this when she was smaller but I definitely know better now that she is capable of articulating and expressing herself.

[Anonymous]

Stop the overnights, I would say. Or reduce to one every other month rather than twice a month. If they are going to keep her up late and ignore other rules, it just isn't worth it.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to drop her off overnight?
I would stop that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

It's usually a grandparent overnight visit twice a month. I'm not taking advantage of their time. They want the visit just as much. I'm seriously considering stopping it. Physically she takes good care of our kids but she also chooses to disregard some of our more important rules (one we head butted over last year) The rule that she never leave our kids unsupervised with other kids. She was infamous for leaving my oldest dd with a cousin (her brother's son) who is about 3 years older in the basement watching a movie or playing. I shared that I was uncomfortable with kids being left alone because many things can occur (child molestation, exchange of unhealthy info etc) and she continued it so this until we finally got FIL involved. I don't like leaving my kids with her alone because she doesn't respect my rules. She always tells me that she raised Dh etc.

You won't leave your DD alone with a cousin in the basement for fear of molestation? Omg you are a loon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

It's usually a grandparent overnight visit twice a month. I'm not taking advantage of their time. They want the visit just as much. I'm seriously considering stopping it. Physically she takes good care of our kids but she also chooses to disregard some of our more important rules (one we head butted over last year) The rule that she never leave our kids unsupervised with other kids. She was infamous for leaving my oldest dd with a cousin (her brother's son) who is about 3 years older in the basement watching a movie or playing. I shared that I was uncomfortable with kids being left alone because many things can occur (child molestation, exchange of unhealthy info etc) and she continued it so this until we finally got FIL involved. I don't like leaving my kids with her alone because she doesn't respect my rules. She always tells me that she raised Dh etc.

You won't leave your DD alone with a cousin in the basement for fear of molestation? Omg you are a loon.

A loon? Or a person who has been molested by older relatives when left alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

It's usually a grandparent overnight visit twice a month. I'm not taking advantage of their time. They want the visit just as much. I'm seriously considering stopping it. Physically she takes good care of our kids but she also chooses to disregard some of our more important rules (one we head butted over last year) The rule that she never leave our kids unsupervised with other kids. She was infamous for leaving my oldest dd with a cousin (her brother's son) who is about 3 years older in the basement watching a movie or playing. I shared that I was uncomfortable with kids being left alone because many things can occur (child molestation, exchange of unhealthy info etc) and she continued it so this until we finally got FIL involved. I don't like leaving my kids with her alone because she doesn't respect my rules. She always tells me that she raised Dh etc.

You won't leave your DD alone with a cousin in the basement for fear of molestation? Omg you are a loon.

A loon? Or a person who has been molested by older relatives when left alone.

A 4-year old can't play unsupervised with a 7-year old cousin, with responsible adults in the house? That seems over the top. Still, MIL should respect the parents' rules, even if she disagrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

It's usually a grandparent overnight visit twice a month. I'm not taking advantage of their time. They want the visit just as much. I'm seriously considering stopping it. Physically she takes good care of our kids but she also chooses to disregard some of our more important rules (one we head butted over last year) The rule that she never leave our kids unsupervised with other kids. She was infamous for leaving my oldest dd with a cousin (her brother's son) who is about 3 years older in the basement watching a movie or playing. I shared that I was uncomfortable with kids being left alone because many things can occur (child molestation, exchange of unhealthy info etc) and she continued it so this until we finally got FIL involved. I don't like leaving my kids with her alone because she doesn't respect my rules. She always tells me that she raised Dh etc.

You won't leave your DD alone with a cousin in the basement for fear of molestation? Omg you are a loon.

A loon? Or a person who has been molested by older relatives when left alone.

A 4-year old can't play unsupervised with a 7-year old cousin, with responsible adults in the house? That seems over the top. Still, MIL should respect the parents' rules, even if she disagrees.

I'm going to agree that is extreme. If OP has some background that leads her to have extreme concerns about molestation, I think its fine to respect that, but in that case I would not allow overnight visits at all. It's unreasonable to say that a 4yo and 7yo can't be alone in the house together, when the adults are in the house. That is not a normal restriction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in the second instance your daughter is playing you.

+1

I think DD knows she's tattling and wants to make mom happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't use them as caregivers unless you trust them to care for your child in a healthy way, fostering good relationships.

Eithter they are trustworthy caregivers, or they are not. Which is it?

If you use them for child care, you have to accept them, warts and all. If you can't do that, pay for good child care, and try to enojy supervised grandparent visits.

Grandparents are fun people to visit. Caregivers are a different role. Decide whether or not you can trust them, but don't take advantage of their time and then complain about how they care for your child.

It's usually a grandparent overnight visit twice a month. I'm not taking advantage of their time. They want the visit just as much. I'm seriously considering stopping it. Physically she takes good care of our kids but she also chooses to disregard some of our more important rules (one we head butted over last year) The rule that she never leave our kids unsupervised with other kids. She was infamous for leaving my oldest dd with a cousin (her brother's son) who is about 3 years older in the basement watching a movie or playing. I shared that I was uncomfortable with kids being left alone because many things can occur (child molestation, exchange of unhealthy info etc) and she continued it so this until we finally got FIL involved. I don't like leaving my kids with her alone because she doesn't respect my rules. She always tells me that she raised Dh etc.

You won't leave your DD alone with a cousin in the basement for fear of molestation? Omg you are a loon.

A loon? Or a person who has been molested by older relatives when left alone.

A 4-year old can't play unsupervised with a 7-year old cousin, with responsible adults in the house? That seems over the top. Still, MIL should respect the parents' rules, even if she disagrees.

I'm going to agree that is extreme. If OP has some background that leads her to have extreme concerns about molestation, I think its fine to respect that, but in that case I would not allow overnight visits at all. It's unreasonable to say that a 4yo and 7yo can't be alone in the house together, when the adults are in the house. That is not a normal restriction.

OP I don't know the details but it sounds weird enough that I'd let her come over and visit but wouldn't have her watch the kids alone. Is dh on the same page with this? I don't like that fishing for information scene you described.

I don't agree with the bolded- if kids are 'alone in the house' then where are the adults in the house? It's fine if parents are in and out of the room the kids are in... but if you are calling it 'alone in the house'... like there is a length of time without supervision, I wouldn't be ok with that either. I don't do that with my own kids. No history of molestation here, but I'm vigilant of that, if it matters. For me it's a general safety thing.