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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My dad was doing something similar on an unrelated topic and it was driving my husband nuts.[b] I knew he meant no harm[/b] so in one visit, I said - Dad, you probably haven't noticed but every time you visit, you comment on X. It's kind of a sore subject for DH.

He had no idea he had been doing this. He's getting older and to him, it was just idle chit chat. He hasn't brought it up since and our convo didn't seem to hurt my dad's feelings so it all worked out.

Any chance your ILs would be receptive to something like that?[/quote]

PP here.  You knew he meant no harm, so you knew that telling him it was a sore subject would help.

That's not always the case.  Sometimes inlaws DO mean harm.  They do it on purpose for any number of reasons.  And then if they are told that it actually upsets you, they get even worse because they know it works.

I know it sounds cynical, but sometimes these aren't innocent comments.   They're meant to belittle.  Perhaps it's jealousy.  Perhaps they have some other issue.  But DH telling them it upsets OP might make it worse.

That's why all of the snappy comebacks people are mentioning are a bad idea.  Because if the inlaws are rude, the comebacks will only escalate the situation.  Or they'll turn it around and all gossip about how rude and mean OP is.

The key to dealing with people like OP's inlaws is to step back and disengage.  They're passive-aggressive.  Matching them with passive-aggressive behavior isn't going to stop them.  It will only push them to up the ante.  Telling them their passive-aggressive behavior has achieved its intended result won't help either.  You neutralize them by not giving them the opportunity to be passive-aggressive.

It's really a liberating concept.  I spent years trying to deal with passive-aggressive people by appealing to their compassion.  It never worked, and then I ended up more hurt and insulted.  I also tried responding with witty comebacks, but that just escalated it all and caused me more anxiety.  Now I've been practicing this new approach, and it's amazing.

Someone texts me something kind of snarky that he/she knows will upset me.  I just delete and ignore.  I don't respond.  And guess what?  They eventually stop doing it.

A SIL constantly made really nasty comments about where we lived.  Guess what?  We don't invite them over.   She has moved on to other kinds of insults.  I just ignore her.  Sometimes I actually just walk away.  That frustrates her more than any witty comeback.  And the insults and nasty remarks have definitely decreased because she doesn't get what she wants out of them -- a reaction.

[b]You can't control another person.  You can't make a rude person suddenly become polite.  But you can often control the setting, the amount of time you interact with them, where you interact with them, and often you can simply ignore them.

I think people confuse bullies with passive-aggressive people.  Bullies -- who are directly aggressive -- can sometimes be confronted and will stop.  People who are passive-aggressive don't respond the same to confrontation.  They often use it as an excuse to be even more passive-aggressive and to paint you as the bully. [/b]  [/quote]

Insightful and useful knowledge.  [/quote]

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