Am I an asshole?

[Anonymous]

You weren't an asshole to ask but you need to drop it. He's going to deal in the way he knows how. Just be supportive and let him do what he feels he needs to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So.....this will be an unpopular point of view, but I'm in a sharing mood.

Lost my mom when I was 23. She was my best friend. It was sudden and awful.

I have very little patience for people 30+ who are thrown into crisis by elderly parents getting sick and dying.

His mom isn't even expecting him until 9 am in the morning and there is absolutely no reason why he could not accommodate your plan, other than being a bit histrionic about his mom. And I get it--I LOVED my mom. But again, zero patience for people who get thrown into hysterics about an elderly parent beginning a long decline. He needs to pace himself. And show up to fucking Christmas, he has a spouse and a family now.

You may want some therapy. You need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So.....this will be an unpopular point of view, but I'm in a sharing mood.

Lost my mom when I was 23. She was my best friend. It was sudden and awful.

I have very little patience for people 30+ who are thrown into crisis by elderly parents getting sick and dying.

His mom isn't even expecting him until 9 am in the morning and there is absolutely no reason why he could not accommodate your plan, other than being a bit histrionic about his mom. And I get it--I LOVED my mom. But again, zero patience for people who get thrown into hysterics about an elderly parent beginning a long decline. He needs to pace himself. And show up to fucking Christmas, he has a spouse and a family now.

This is an asshole OP.

I disagree. I also lost my dad at 23 after very long battle with cancer and life goes on. While you need to deal with the crisis, you can't forget your family and responsibilities. OP's request to her DH was completely reasonable and he should try to be accommodating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So.....this will be an unpopular point of view, but I'm in a sharing mood.

Lost my mom when I was 23. She was my best friend. It was sudden and awful.

I have very little patience for people 30+ who are thrown into crisis by elderly parents getting sick and dying.

His mom isn't even expecting him until 9 am in the morning and there is absolutely no reason why he could not accommodate your plan, other than being a bit histrionic about his mom. And I get it--I LOVED my mom. But again, zero patience for people who get thrown into hysterics about an elderly parent beginning a long decline. He needs to pace himself. And show up to fucking Christmas, he has a spouse and a family now.

This is an asshole OP.

No, it's not. It's a person who suffered a horrible loss at too young of an age, and has a perspective that few of us realize. I thought this was a very insightful comment.

Bullshit. My cousin lost both his parents at 15. He's not a douche like this poster. What is magical about turning 30 that suddenly you should brush off losing a parent? This poster is a cold, unfeeling person. I hope she does not have children because she is obviously broken inside and needs help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So.....this will be an unpopular point of view, but I'm in a sharing mood.

Lost my mom when I was 23. She was my best friend. It was sudden and awful.

I have very little patience for people 30+ who are thrown into crisis by elderly parents getting sick and dying.

His mom isn't even expecting him until 9 am in the morning and there is absolutely no reason why he could not accommodate your plan, other than being a bit histrionic about his mom. And I get it--I LOVED my mom. But again, zero patience for people who get thrown into hysterics about an elderly parent beginning a long decline. He needs to pace himself. And show up to fucking Christmas, he has a spouse and a family now.

This is an asshole OP.

No, it's not. It's a person who suffered a horrible loss at too young of an age, and has a perspective that few of us realize. I thought this was a very insightful comment.

23? Old enough to go to war and vote. Many people are parents by 23.

But her Mom was her best friend. If you lose your mom at 30 though, go f yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Background info: So my father died from cancer 4 years ago. At the time I was seriously dating the hubs (we got engaged a few months after). My father and I had a very good relationship and my family lives in Howard county.

My MIL has been hospitalized at a hospital in Montgomery county for the past few days. Her doctors suspect that she might have cancer but cannot diagnose it prior to her having surgery. But of course since it is before Christmas they won't schedule the surgery until after because it is technically considered "elective." So now she will have to be in the hospital on Christmas. My husband has been at the hospital with his mother every day this week except one from after 9 am to around 8PM. I have visited her once although I did ask to go a number of other times but his father felt she wouldn't be up to it.

My family really loves my husband. As such I was disappointed when he said he wasn't going to see them at all and I asked if it would be possible for him to come to my mom's house and open the presents they and my extended family got them in the morning (before 9) and then I could drop him off at the hospital by 9 (the hospital is 30 minutes away from my parents house). He blew up at me and had the nerve to say that I didn't understand because this could be her last Christmas. To which I just incredulously asked "I don't understand?"

It just blows my mind because there were tons of times when my dad was sick that I still made space for him and his needs. And now I feel like that was a huge mistake. And furthermore when my dad was sick, he didn't go to the hospital to see him. And he barely asked how I was doing. I'm actually super pissed but I feel like I can't be mad at him because of what his mom is going through.

It's his fear and grief speaking, OP. People do handle those things differently. Try to be patient. Be mad at the situation, but try not to be mad at him. Someday it might be him steadfastly staying by "your" hospital bed. I personally think that's a good trait in a person.

Just keep reminding yourself people handle these types of health crises differently. Your way was great, and thoughtful to your DH. His way is still good, although I know it feels like he's not being thoughtful to you now. This is all brand new for him. Perhaps after the surgery and depending on what they find, he can settle down into a routine of helping mom but still being present in your lives.

Big hugs all the way around.

~been there done that with two parents with cancer at the same time.

Oh, and you aren't an asshole. Your feelings are valid, of course. I'd just try to give him a little time to let it sink in that his mom may be gravely ill.

Off topic, but I am utterly sick of this phrase. No, NOT all feelings are valid. Some (many) feelings are selfish, greedy, based on incorrect information or willful blindness, etc. I know everyone deserves a trophy, bit not everyone deserves to have their basest impulses and emotions validated. In fact, no one does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and I may both be assholes because this is nearly identical to my story. My dad died 3 years ago right after Thanksgiving. I get married a year later and the year after that in October, my DH's dad gets diagnosed with cancer. DH demands we drop everything but what his family wants to do "because this could be the last chance." Fast forward another year, and dad is just fine and in remission. I got torn apart by DH anytime I wanted to do something with my family for a year. What he doesn't understand is that by him not allowing me to spend time with my family, I am years behind in grieving. I never got to establish a new norm with my family, but they did it without me. Now I'm a thousand miles away and a complete outsider because I missed that rebuilding time. I resent DH, I don't handle Thanksgiving or Christmas at all, and he yells at me when I see something that reminds me of my dad and get sad. I resent him.

I'm sorry. I hope you two find a way forward, because he did take something important away from you.

[Anonymous]

My husband couldn't take his 6 week vacation last year because he had non stop projects to get out. He did take a week for Thanksgiving but worked the whole time he was home. With the end of the year you either take the time, lose the time, let the company buy it. His father entered the hospital Dec. 1 and started going downhill quickly. I encouraged him, my husband, to go see his father because it would be their last goodbye. And it was. He died Christmas Eve.

I spent Christmas and the New Year alone while he buried his father and spent time with his family.

Are you an asshole OP ? I wouldn't go that far. Your husband isn't into the holiday this year and it's understandable. Give him a pass. There will be other Christmas get togethers. This could be his mother's last.

[Anonymous]

Now is the time for compassion for your husband. Let him do what he needs to do. He doesn't want to "celebrate" Christmas, he wants to be there for his mom. I don't know why you don't understand that. I'm sorry he wasn't there for you with your 4 years ago, but show compassion for what he needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my mom was in the hospital the very last thing on earth I would want to do is open presents.

+1

OP, you sound a little bratty.

Even if he technically has the time in his schedule (i.e., before going to the hospital at 9 am), you have to understand how stressful and exhausting this is for DH. You want him to show up and pretend to be happy and relaxed with his ILs? That's selfish. He's not a zoo animal.

What you went through with your father doesn't really have anything to do with what your husband is feeling.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're an asshole, but I am wondering about your relationship. You married your husband after he was relatively dismissive of your dying father, so I feel like it must not have been a deal breaker at the time. But now it seems like it's really bothering you because he is not taking you into account as well like you did to him. Is your concern that perhaps he is selfish, or that he doesn't value your feelings? Honestly, he might not have realized that you were sacrificing important time for him because his parents weren't dying and it's hard to understand how that feels, and it is different for every person.

For now, I would let him do what he needs to do and not push things. But realize that he might just have a different outlook than you now, and that he may view things differently now that he is experiencing them for himself. What you don't want to do is add fuel to the fire and push him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So.....this will be an unpopular point of view, but I'm in a sharing mood.

Lost my mom when I was 23. She was my best friend. It was sudden and awful.

I have very little patience for people 30+ who are thrown into crisis by elderly parents getting sick and dying.

His mom isn't even expecting him until 9 am in the morning and there is absolutely no reason why he could not accommodate your plan, other than being a bit histrionic about his mom. And I get it--I LOVED my mom. But again, zero patience for people who get thrown into hysterics about an elderly parent beginning a long decline. He needs to pace himself. And show up to fucking Christmas, he has a spouse and a family now.

You may want some therapy. You need help.

+1
You need to "share" this from a therapist's couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Background info: So my father died from cancer 4 years ago. At the time I was seriously dating the hubs (we got engaged a few months after). My father and I had a very good relationship and my family lives in Howard county.

My MIL has been hospitalized at a hospital in Montgomery county for the past few days. Her doctors suspect that she might have cancer but cannot diagnose it prior to her having surgery. But of course since it is before Christmas they won't schedule the surgery until after because it is technically considered "elective." So now she will have to be in the hospital on Christmas. My husband has been at the hospital with his mother every day this week except one from after 9 am to around 8PM. I have visited her once although I did ask to go a number of other times but his father felt she wouldn't be up to it.

My family really loves my husband. As such I was disappointed when he said he wasn't going to see them at all and I asked if it would be possible for him to come to my mom's house and open the presents they and my extended family got them in the morning (before 9) and then I could drop him off at the hospital by 9 (the hospital is 30 minutes away from my parents house). He blew up at me and had the nerve to say that I didn't understand because this could be her last Christmas. To which I just incredulously asked "I don't understand?"

It just blows my mind because there were tons of times when my dad was sick that I still made space for him and his needs. And now I feel like that was a huge mistake. And furthermore when my dad was sick, he didn't go to the hospital to see him. And he barely asked how I was doing. I'm actually super pissed but I feel like I can't be mad at him because of what his mom is going through.

It's his fear and grief speaking, OP. People do handle those things differently. Try to be patient. Be mad at the situation, but try not to be mad at him. Someday it might be him steadfastly staying by "your" hospital bed. I personally think that's a good trait in a person.

Just keep reminding yourself people handle these types of health crises differently. Your way was great, and thoughtful to your DH. His way is still good, although I know it feels like he's not being thoughtful to you now. This is all brand new for him. Perhaps after the surgery and depending on what they find, he can settle down into a routine of helping mom but still being present in your lives.

Big hugs all the way around.

~been there done that with two parents with cancer at the same time.

Oh, and you aren't an asshole. Your feelings are valid, of course. I'd just try to give him a little time to let it sink in that his mom may be gravely ill.

Off topic, but I am utterly sick of this phrase. No, NOT all feelings are valid. Some (many) feelings are selfish, greedy, based on incorrect information or willful blindness, etc. I know everyone deserves a trophy, bit not everyone deserves to have their basest impulses and emotions validated. In fact, no one does.

Yeah, they are. Feelings are feelings. It's what you "do" with them that matters. Not all actions are valid.

[Anonymous]

Yes op you are being an asshole to your Dh when he's going through hell. Your justification is apparently that he was an asshole to you when your dad was dying do it's only fair. That is a lame excuse. Marriages don't last long when you start a 'who can be a bigger asshole' competition.

[Anonymous]

You're an asshole. He doesn't care about opening presents with your family. There is a good chance his mother is dying. You don't get to be mad at him now about your father. You should have mentioned it before. You should have discussed it before you married him if it bothered you so much.