Am I an asshole?
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Anonymous
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Background info: So my father died from cancer 4 years ago. At the time I was seriously dating the hubs (we got engaged a few months after). My father and I had a very good relationship and my family lives in Howard county.
My MIL has been hospitalized at a hospital in Montgomery county for the past few days. Her doctors suspect that she might have cancer but cannot diagnose it prior to her having surgery. But of course since it is before Christmas they won't schedule the surgery until after because it is technically considered "elective." So now she will have to be in the hospital on Christmas. My husband has been at the hospital with his mother every day this week except one from after 9 am to around 8PM. I have visited her once although I did ask to go a number of other times but his father felt she wouldn't be up to it. My family really loves my husband. As such I was disappointed when he said he wasn't going to see them at all and I asked if it would be possible for him to come to my mom's house and open the presents they and my extended family got them in the morning (before 9) and then I could drop him off at the hospital by 9 (the hospital is 30 minutes away from my parents house). He blew up at me and had the nerve to say that I didn't understand because this could be her last Christmas. To which I just incredulously asked "I don't understand?" It just blows my mind because there were tons of times when my dad was sick that I still made space for him and his needs. And now I feel like that was a huge mistake. And furthermore when my dad was sick, he didn't go to the hospital to see him. And he barely asked how I was doing. I'm actually super pissed but I feel like I can't be mad at him because of what his mom is going through. |
Anonymous
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People process in different ways. He needed a way to let off stress. He blew up, he's not mad but sad.
For you, seriously? Let him be. |
Anonymous
| He is grieving. Just give him space and time. If he doesn't want to go that is totally fine op, you and your family should understand. |
Anonymous
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For now, it's about him and his family. See where the wind is blowing. If she is dying, get through that with him. If she has a long fight and recovery ahead, get through that with him. If she will be OK, celebrate with them.
When the dust has settled, absolutely talk about this dynamic and your feelings. But it is not the right time now. Talk to a trusted friend who can support you now while you are supporting him. |
Anonymous
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The kindness and understanding you show him during this difficult time will be remembered by him. So will any difficulty, which he will resent a huge amount.
Cut him slack OP, this isn't about your needs right now. |
Anonymous
| Wish I had some wisdom for you, but all I can say is I don't think you're an asshole at all. I'm sorry you're going thru this, and I'm sorry about your dad. |
Anonymous
| You are not an asshole at all OP. Don't take his words to heart, he's going through this in his own way, but nothing was wrong with your request. |
Anonymous
| I went through a similar issue with my husband and his Mother. Just let him be there with her. Truthfully, though, it could be anyone's last Christmas, not just Mother in Law's. I don't think you were an asshole. |
Anonymous
| Stressful situation. Don't add more stress on to what he is already dealing with. Everyone is different and it would be lovely if you could support him instead of trying to keep score. |
Anonymous
I agree and I've lost both my parents. You can't judge how people act in these situations. I'm sorry for your MIL and hope she gets good news. |
Anonymous
| If my mom was in the hospital the very last thing on earth I would want to do is open presents. |
Anonymous
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So.....this will be an unpopular point of view, but I'm in a sharing mood.
Lost my mom when I was 23. She was my best friend. It was sudden and awful. I have very little patience for people 30+ who are thrown into crisis by elderly parents getting sick and dying. His mom isn't even expecting him until 9 am in the morning and there is absolutely no reason why he could not accommodate your plan, other than being a bit histrionic about his mom. And I get it--I LOVED my mom. But again, zero patience for people who get thrown into hysterics about an elderly parent beginning a long decline. He needs to pace himself. And show up to fucking Christmas, he has a spouse and a family now. |
Anonymous
I agree. And I also think your husband needs to strive for some perspective and balance. My mother was diagnosed thanksgiving week with brain cancer. It was sudden and awful and eliminated thanksgiving of course. But we are managing to have a christmas - because it matters to our kids, to our other extended family, and to my mother. Life does need to go on. I hope your husband calms down and apologizes and finds a way to spend part of the day tomorrow with you and your family. Hugs to you all OP. |
Anonymous
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How long is he going to keep spending 11 hours a day at the hospital? That seems unsustainable--especially since FIL is in the picture. He needs a break of some kind.
Do you have kids? If so, I would ask him to spend half of Christmas with you, especially Christmas morning. If not, just ask him to spend some time with you at some point on the day. MIL probably needs to nap at some point, yes? |
Anonymous
It's his fear and grief speaking, OP. People do handle those things differently. Try to be patient. Be mad at the situation, but try not to be mad at him. Someday it might be him steadfastly staying by "your" hospital bed. I personally think that's a good trait in a person. Just keep reminding yourself people handle these types of health crises differently. Your way was great, and thoughtful to your DH. His way is still good, although I know it feels like he's not being thoughtful to you now. This is all brand new for him. Perhaps after the surgery and depending on what they find, he can settle down into a routine of helping mom but still being present in your lives. Big hugs all the way around. ~been there done that with two parents with cancer at the same time. 
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