Am I an asshole?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Background info: So my father died from cancer 4 years ago. At the time I was seriously dating the hubs (we got engaged a few months after). My father and I had a very good relationship and my family lives in Howard county.

My MIL has been hospitalized at a hospital in Montgomery county for the past few days. Her doctors suspect that she might have cancer but cannot diagnose it prior to her having surgery. But of course since it is before Christmas they won't schedule the surgery until after because it is technically considered "elective." So now she will have to be in the hospital on Christmas. My husband has been at the hospital with his mother every day this week except one from after 9 am to around 8PM. I have visited her once although I did ask to go a number of other times but his father felt she wouldn't be up to it.

My family really loves my husband. As such I was disappointed when he said he wasn't going to see them at all and I asked if it would be possible for him to come to my mom's house and open the presents they and my extended family got them in the morning (before 9) and then I could drop him off at the hospital by 9 (the hospital is 30 minutes away from my parents house). He blew up at me and had the nerve to say that I didn't understand because this could be her last Christmas. To which I just incredulously asked "I don't understand?"

It just blows my mind because there were tons of times when my dad was sick that I still made space for him and his needs. And now I feel like that was a huge mistake. And furthermore when my dad was sick, he didn't go to the hospital to see him. And he barely asked how I was doing. I'm actually super pissed but I feel like I can't be mad at him because of what his mom is going through.

It's his fear and grief speaking, OP. People do handle those things differently. Try to be patient. Be mad at the situation, but try not to be mad at him. Someday it might be him steadfastly staying by "your" hospital bed. I personally think that's a good trait in a person.

Just keep reminding yourself people handle these types of health crises differently. Your way was great, and thoughtful to your DH. His way is still good, although I know it feels like he's not being thoughtful to you now. This is all brand new for him. Perhaps after the surgery and depending on what they find, he can settle down into a routine of helping mom but still being present in your lives.

Big hugs all the way around.

~been there done that with two parents with cancer at the same time.

Oh, and you aren't an asshole. Your feelings are valid, of course. I'd just try to give him a little time to let it sink in that his mom may be gravely ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So.....this will be an unpopular point of view, but I'm in a sharing mood.

Lost my mom when I was 23. She was my best friend. It was sudden and awful.

I have very little patience for people 30+ who are thrown into crisis by elderly parents getting sick and dying.

His mom isn't even expecting him until 9 am in the morning and there is absolutely no reason why he could not accommodate your plan, other than being a bit histrionic about his mom. And I get it--I LOVED my mom. But again, zero patience for people who get thrown into hysterics about an elderly parent beginning a long decline. He needs to pace himself. And show up to fucking Christmas, he has a spouse and a family now.

This is an asshole OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my mom was in the hospital the very last thing on earth I would want to do is open presents.

At the same time, if YOU were in the hospital, how would you feel if your loved ones were refusing to spend an hour or two with local family on Christmas? I'd insist my son go and try to have at least a small traditional Christmas. And then come back to the hospital to be with me. I truly think most rational people would feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background info: So my father died from cancer 4 years ago. At the time I was seriously dating the hubs (we got engaged a few months after). My father and I had a very good relationship and my family lives in Howard county.

My MIL has been hospitalized at a hospital in Montgomery county for the past few days. Her doctors suspect that she might have cancer but cannot diagnose it prior to her having surgery. But of course since it is before Christmas they won't schedule the surgery until after because it is technically considered "elective." So now she will have to be in the hospital on Christmas. My husband has been at the hospital with his mother every day this week except one from after 9 am to around 8PM. I have visited her once although I did ask to go a number of other times but his father felt she wouldn't be up to it.

My family really loves my husband. As such I was disappointed when he said he wasn't going to see them at all and I asked if it would be possible for him to come to my mom's house and open the presents they and my extended family got them in the morning (before 9) and then I could drop him off at the hospital by 9 (the hospital is 30 minutes away from my parents house). He blew up at me and had the nerve to say that I didn't understand because this could be her last Christmas. To which I just incredulously asked "I don't understand?"

It just blows my mind because there were tons of times when my dad was sick that I still made space for him and his needs. And now I feel like that was a huge mistake. And furthermore when my dad was sick, he didn't go to the hospital to see him. And he barely asked how I was doing. I'm actually super pissed but I feel like I can't be mad at him because of what his mom is going through.

1. I don't think you were an asshole to ask him to visit your family.

2. I think it would be assholish of you to press the issue now or later. I think it would be misguided of you to compare what is happening now to what happened 4 years ago.

3. People deal with these situations differently and everyone's experience with death no matter how similar is different. Your husband was right you don't understand exactly how he is feeling or all the dynamics that go into how he is feeling. It is impossible you are not him. That is not a criticism. That is a fact.

4. I think your family will be understanding of him missing out this time.

5. Big hugs to both o you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So.....this will be an unpopular point of view, but I'm in a sharing mood.

Lost my mom when I was 23. She was my best friend. It was sudden and awful.

I have very little patience for people 30+ who are thrown into crisis by elderly parents getting sick and dying.

His mom isn't even expecting him until 9 am in the morning and there is absolutely no reason why he could not accommodate your plan, other than being a bit histrionic about his mom. And I get it--I LOVED my mom. But again, zero patience for people who get thrown into hysterics about an elderly parent beginning a long decline. He needs to pace himself. And show up to fucking Christmas, he has a spouse and a family now.

This is an asshole OP.

No, it's not. It's a person who suffered a horrible loss at too young of an age, and has a perspective that few of us realize. I thought this was a very insightful comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So.....this will be an unpopular point of view, but I'm in a sharing mood.

Lost my mom when I was 23. She was my best friend. It was sudden and awful.

I have very little patience for people 30+ who are thrown into crisis by elderly parents getting sick and dying.

His mom isn't even expecting him until 9 am in the morning and there is absolutely no reason why he could not accommodate your plan, other than being a bit histrionic about his mom. And I get it--I LOVED my mom. But again, zero patience for people who get thrown into hysterics about an elderly parent beginning a long decline. He needs to pace himself. And show up to fucking Christmas, he has a spouse and a family now.

This is an asshole OP.

No, it's not. It's a person who suffered a horrible loss at too young of an age, and has a perspective that few of us realize. I thought this was a very insightful comment.

NP here. I too loss a parent at a young age. Younger than the pp I might add. I also that pps comment was assholish.

[Anonymous]

You and I may both be assholes because this is nearly identical to my story. My dad died 3 years ago right after Thanksgiving. I get married a year later and the year after that in October, my DH's dad gets diagnosed with cancer. DH demands we drop everything but what his family wants to do "because this could be the last chance." Fast forward another year, and dad is just fine and in remission. I got torn apart by DH anytime I wanted to do something with my family for a year. What he doesn't understand is that by him not allowing me to spend time with my family, I am years behind in grieving. I never got to establish a new norm with my family, but they did it without me. Now I'm a thousand miles away and a complete outsider because I missed that rebuilding time. I resent DH, I don't handle Thanksgiving or Christmas at all, and he yells at me when I see something that reminds me of my dad and get sad. I resent him.

[Anonymous]

This has nothing to do with you. Right now it's about him and his mom. Honestly your not involved or needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my mom was in the hospital the very last thing on earth I would want to do is open presents.

At the same time, if YOU were in the hospital, how would you feel if your loved ones were refusing to spend an hour or two with local family on Christmas? I'd insist my son go and try to have at least a small traditional Christmas. And then come back to the hospital to be with me. I truly think most rational people would feel the same.

We do know that his mom isn't going to die on Christmas morning (or surgery wouldn't be scheduled), so yeah he can do presents.

If the diagnosis is positive, then your husband has a long road in front of him with his mom. I would cut him some slack.

It really is ok to miss an occasion. The world goes on when someone is absent from Christmas. You should be sure to get yourself to the hospital on Christmas day, as well. If he has never had a parent be ill, then he has no idea what to do or how to behave, and everyone is different. PErsonally, it would kill me if I were in the hospital and someone sat there hour after hour after hour (my mom does that). However, other people need this. Just give him a break.

You aren't an asshole but you might become one if the two of you don't start talking about how you will handle her illness together.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to him, tell him that you understand that he is struggling emotionally right now but it is not all right for him to be rude or disrespectful to you. That includes statements such as implying that you don't understand what he's going through when he knows damn well you went through that. He is being a typical male baby. he is not on deathwatch she hasn't even had the surgery. So for him to act like he has to sit vigil at his mother's bedside is really just a martyr move.

[Anonymous]

It is not about you. The End.

[Anonymous]

You need to stop being selfish and you need to stop making this about you. It's not about you. Give him his time and give him his space. Just because you handled your situation with your dad one way, that doesn't mean he has to handle this situation that same way. You're being way too focused on you and you aren't helping matters by doing that.

[Anonymous]

Yes you are an asshole because you are making this about you,you, you. If your family loves his so much, why don't they bring Christmas to him and his hospital bound mother?

[Anonymous]

It will be hard for him to sit there and pretend to be interested in presents, and needing to be pleasant with others, when he's worried about his mother. Like you, I would be mad at the disparity, but like a previous poster said you need to shelve that until after the dust settles. At that point the two of you can sit down and have a long conversation about how you support each other. Right now, let him do what he needs to do and try to be as supportive and caring as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So.....this will be an unpopular point of view, but I'm in a sharing mood.

Lost my mom when I was 23. She was my best friend. It was sudden and awful.

I have very little patience for people 30+ who are thrown into crisis by elderly parents getting sick and dying.

His mom isn't even expecting him until 9 am in the morning and there is absolutely no reason why he could not accommodate your plan, other than being a bit histrionic about his mom. And I get it--I LOVED my mom. But again, zero patience for people who get thrown into hysterics about an elderly parent beginning a long decline. He needs to pace himself. And show up to fucking Christmas, he has a spouse and a family now.

This is an asshole OP.

+1.