DH bender on a work trip. How big of a deal do I make this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well. He did wait until he was out of town and sans baby to let loose, do you think it would be okay if he drank too much only when that was the case? Sounds like maybe he knows it isn't appropriate for a family man but he's having a pseudo -bachelor vacation where it wouldn't harm anyone?

He couldn't have done anything for you or your baby today regardless of how sober he was, so I am a bit baffled by your vehemence.

Agreed. I venture to say you're kind of jealous he got a fun night out.

[Anonymous]

I wish my DH would only get drunk when out of town!

[Anonymous]

Prepare for divorce because he is going to want one soon. Seriously, you are completely out of line. He waited until he had a night in which he had no obligations and didn't have to wake up early. So he used it. Good for him. If he is hurting during his presentation, that is on him. You, on the other hand, are a shrew.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds a lot like me. I drank constantly in my early 20s because it was fun -- like drunk, 3 or 4 nights per week. I got a DUI and dialed it way back. Then I had kids and the opportunities for drinking (and socializing in general) became even more scarce.

My wife would get disapproving/pissed/controlling when I'd let loose a few times per year (generally when I was visiting with college friends). Really pissed me off. I'm a model citizen, hard worker, good dad 99% of the year. Get off my back 3 days a year.

Now, I'm even older and lack the energy to get that drunk even when the opportunity presents itself, so the problem kind of worked itself out.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would be upset if my husband got sloppy drunk even a few times per year. It's just not a responsible thing to do as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I think my DH has been that drunk twice in the 20 years I've known him. I would be concerned, especially about the pattern of alcohol abuse. If something ever happened to you or the baby he shouldn't be so drunk he couldn't help. Surprised at all the folks who think this is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not ideal, but let it go.

Even with the new information, I agree with this. No, he shouldn't be drinking that much. But he wasn't driving, and was out of town on a work trip, so your anxiety about not being able to reach him is an issue that you are having and you need to manage.

I get the kind of drinker your husband is, because I can be like that too. I can usually have one or two drinks and it's fine, but there are times that I have more than that and my "stop" switch just goes off and I drink waaaaaay too much. Though now that I'm a middle-aged mom, that happens once every few years, where as pre-husband and baby it was a couple times a year I'd say. Don't bitch him out for drinking when he's not with you. If this happens at home, fine, dig into him, but I'd let this one go.

[Anonymous]

OP I've also gotten a couple of those phone calls and get it. My advice to you is to work a bit on trying to let go. It's hard but people can't be held to crazy expectations and you'll be happier when you can let it go a bit. I still have just visceral panic if I miss two calls in a row from a family member but I have worked really hard to try to keep that to myself. Feel it, acknowledge it, let it go.

As for your DH, he goes out a few times a year and gets too drunk. And in your entire relationship he's never had a DUI or alcohol related incident. You say these incidents happened shortly after college which means they happened 20 years ago. That IS ancient history. The kind of drinker I was when I was 22-25 has virtually nothing in common with the me of today (at 31 so not even as far removed!).

He waited until he was REALLY off the hook, in another city and unable to do anything even if you needed him to and let loose and then slept in until 10:15. You have to understand this is a little cray. My DH is kind of similar, has a few happy hours a year he goes too hard at. Had one last weekend and came home at 1am and spent the morning puking and wasn't out of bed until 2am! I laughed at him and got him a breakfast sandwich because as another PP put it, 99% of the time he's a great and reliable father and husband.

Your DH checked in with you before crashing and called you when he woke up. And he didn't wake up at 2 in the afternoon. I think you need to take a chill pill on this one.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom of an 8 month old and I wouldn't get so upset about this. He's out of town so it's not as if he's shirking any home responsibilities by being too hung over to help.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be ok with DH getting drunk on trips. Not something I want in my marriage. I'm fine with him going out for a couple drinks after dinner and getting back to his hotel room at a reasonable hour. But no good comes from getting drunk with coworkers in a strange city.

DH did it once and I had to put the fear of God him- I will not be married to someone who does that, if you want to remain my husband you need to act like my husband, You've Given Me A Lot to Think About- then stayed at a family member's house for a couple days so dH came home to an empty house. I know I'll probably get criticized here for that and people will say DH will divorce me, but I've found enforcing strong boundaries has always improved my relationships. I don't nag or get emotional, I just state my expectations and enforce consequences.

Another option is to arrange for your own night out, put on your sexiest clothes and makeup, and go out with some of your single girl friends. Stay out late and don't check in. You deserve a night of fun too. My own DH suddenly changed his tune when he realized getting drunk and having fun meant I was also allowed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be ok with DH getting drunk on trips. Not something I want in my marriage. I'm fine with him going out for a couple drinks after dinner and getting back to his hotel room at a reasonable hour. But no good comes from getting drunk with coworkers in a strange city.

DH did it once and I had to put the fear of God him- I will not be married to someone who does that, if you want to remain my husband you need to act like my husband, You've Given Me A Lot to Think About- then stayed at a family member's house for a couple days so dH came home to an empty house. I know I'll probably get criticized here for that and people will say DH will divorce me, but I've found enforcing strong boundaries has always improved my relationships. I don't nag or get emotional, I just state my expectations and enforce consequences.

Another option is to arrange for your own night out, put on your sexiest clothes and makeup, and go out with some of your single girl friends. Stay out late and don't check in. You deserve a night of fun too. My own DH suddenly changed his tune when he realized getting drunk and having fun meant I was also allowed to.

Psycho

[Anonymous]

If he's anything like me the hangover is punishment enough. I have a huge charity event in Europe that I have to attend every year for a client. It's a huge booze fest and the jet lag plus hangover takes more than a day to get over. Just not used to drinking like that anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be ok with DH getting drunk on trips. Not something I want in my marriage. I'm fine with him going out for a couple drinks after dinner and getting back to his hotel room at a reasonable hour. But no good comes from getting drunk with coworkers in a strange city.

DH did it once and I had to put the fear of God him- I will not be married to someone who does that, if you want to remain my husband you need to act like my husband, You've Given Me A Lot to Think About- then stayed at a family member's house for a couple days so dH came home to an empty house. I know I'll probably get criticized here for that and people will say DH will divorce me, but I've found enforcing strong boundaries has always improved my relationships. I don't nag or get emotional, I just state my expectations and enforce consequences.

Another option is to arrange for your own night out, put on your sexiest clothes and makeup, and go out with some of your single girl friends. Stay out late and don't check in. You deserve a night of fun too. My own DH suddenly changed his tune when he realized getting drunk and having fun meant I was also allowed to.

Oh, it's you again.

[Anonymous]

OP, cut your DH a break. You sound controlling here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well. He did wait until he was out of town and sans baby to let loose, do you think it would be okay if he drank too much only when that was the case? Sounds like maybe he knows it isn't appropriate for a family man but he's having a pseudo -bachelor vacation where it wouldn't harm anyone?

He couldn't have done anything for you or your baby today regardless of how sober he was, so I am a bit baffled by your vehemence.

OP here, I probably left out some critical information. Shortly after college, in his 20s, DH got two DUIs and wound up serving some jail time. To him this is ancient history to the point that he neglected to even tell me this until after we were married. So, 1. that history scares me. 2. I tend to catastrophize a bit when I can't reach him. It's irrational, but I have gotten the "someone you love dealy has just died suddenly" call, and he knows this about me. I didn't need to be able to contact him because I needed him to do something for me. I just wanted the "I'm alive" text after I knew he was out drinking in a high crime city. That new dad who was walking home from bars in cap hill a few years ago and was jumped and is now permanently mentally disabled is the stuff my nightmares are made of.

I see. And OP I want you to know I can empathize deeply; I received my first "your loved one died unexpectedly" call when I was 20 and it took like 15 years to understand that other people didn't obsess in fear every time their loved ones were out of their sight. So I get it, especially given his history of making dangerous decisions under the influence of alcohol. And I get that you know it's over the top and want to control it but can't and feel like you're meeting him halfway by just NOT LOSING YOUR MIND, he could do you the same favor of a text. Is that right? That has been the dynamic with me and my husband before, so I totally get it.

But...how long has it been since his DUIs? Was he hiding those or are you 10-15 years out from those mistakes where he legitimately just doesn't think they are relevant details about who he is? That would matter to me. If it has really been a decade since he got into drinking trouble, I think you are overreacting and need to let this go. If he recently or consistently ends up in trouble, then you're tackling the issue of his drinking habits, not this specific incident.

And my DH found some solutions. I got PTSD therapy (highly recommend), he became diligent about sending me "safely arrived" texts, and we both use Find My IPhone to see where the other is. Okay. I think I use it exclusively, although he has the password to find me too, but I use it when I'm worried. He went out with his friends and now it's midnight and I don't want to nag but is everything okay...yes, they're at his friend's house, everything is fine. But really, you have to get control of your worrying one way or another - whether it's through tracking his phone or seeing a therapist or whatever you think might help you, because that's the issue that jumps out. His drinking may or may not be a problem, but you living in a semi-permanent state of anxiety is DEFINITELY not good for any of you.

OP here again. Thanks for this. I really appreciate the kindness in your response. And your first paragraph pretty much nails it. Now that I've had some time to sit on this (and thank you DCUM, to hear what a psycho shrew I am) for a bit, I realize this is a lot more about my anxiety. I actually just last week finished weaning off Zoloft for postpartum anxiety, so... great timing. His DUIs were 20 years ago, and I get, from his perspective, why he didn't mention them. But I also think having served like 20-30 days in jail is a pretty major thing and something you should be obligated to mention to a partner before getting married. For the record, I'd still marry him if I had known, but the fact that he hid it planted the "why" seed and made me wonder if there was more there to hide.

My anxiety (which turns to anger) when he drinks too much is not at all about him having a good time. I actually like that he's fun, and we've had some great benders together. I will admit, I definitely have control issues, but it's not as straightforward as wanting to control HIM, but in wanting to control/ prevent anything bad happening TO him. When he gets drunk to this point, he becomes completely unaware of what an obvious target he is. I'm terrified he will stumble into oncoming traffic, get mugged on the metro, blah, blah, blah, you name it. Anxiety is sucks, and your point that other people don't obsess like this really resonates. So again, thank you. Clearly I need to work on this more than I realized. I also hope DH can work with me a little bit here in recognizing that I just need a safety check-in every now and then.