DH bender on a work trip. How big of a deal do I make this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well. He did wait until he was out of town and sans baby to let loose, do you think it would be okay if he drank too much only when that was the case? Sounds like maybe he knows it isn't appropriate for a family man but he's having a pseudo -bachelor vacation where it wouldn't harm anyone?

He couldn't have done anything for you or your baby today regardless of how sober he was, so I am a bit baffled by your vehemence.

OP here, I probably left out some critical information. Shortly after college, in his 20s, DH got two DUIs and wound up serving some jail time. To him this is ancient history to the point that he neglected to even tell me this until after we were married. So, 1. that history scares me. 2. I tend to catastrophize a bit when I can't reach him. It's irrational, but I have gotten the "someone you love dealy has just died suddenly" call, and he knows this about me. I didn't need to be able to contact him because I needed him to do something for me. I just wanted the "I'm alive" text after I knew he was out drinking in a high crime city. That new dad who was walking home from bars in cap hill a few years ago and was jumped and is now permanently mentally disabled is the stuff my nightmares are made of.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. You're saying he basically does this once a quarter? It's really not a big deal and you're going to seem like a real micromanager if you come down on him for something he does that infrequently.

If you're actually worried about his job, or your child's safety, then say that to him, but if he's just blowing off steam in a way that's unlikely to have long term consequences, let it go.

[Anonymous]

breaking news: new dad away from wife and baby ties one on. the shocking details at 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well. He did wait until he was out of town and sans baby to let loose, do you think it would be okay if he drank too much only when that was the case? Sounds like maybe he knows it isn't appropriate for a family man but he's having a pseudo -bachelor vacation where it wouldn't harm anyone?

He couldn't have done anything for you or your baby today regardless of how sober he was, so I am a bit baffled by your vehemence.

OP here, I probably left out some critical information. Shortly after college, in his 20s, DH got two DUIs and wound up serving some jail time. To him this is ancient history to the point that he neglected to even tell me this until after we were married. So, 1. that history scares me. 2. I tend to catastrophize a bit when I can't reach him. It's irrational, but I have gotten the "someone you love dealy has just died suddenly" call, and he knows this about me. I didn't need to be able to contact him because I needed him to do something for me. I just wanted the "I'm alive" text after I knew he was out drinking in a high crime city. That new dad who was walking home from bars in cap hill a few years ago and was jumped and is now permanently mentally disabled is the stuff my nightmares are made of.

Ahh DCUM. Such typical mistakes.

You left your DH's history of problem drinking and bad judgment out of your OP.

In light of all this, does your husband understand that he has trouble controlling his drinking when he is out socially? Does he recognize that it stresses you out?

I think you need to also manage your anxiety around this issue. Either you can trust him to be responsible or you can't. If you can't, then I would strongly encourage you to reconsider your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well. He did wait until he was out of town and sans baby to let loose, do you think it would be okay if he drank too much only when that was the case? Sounds like maybe he knows it isn't appropriate for a family man but he's having a pseudo -bachelor vacation where it wouldn't harm anyone?

He couldn't have done anything for you or your baby today regardless of how sober he was, so I am a bit baffled by your vehemence.

OP here, I probably left out some critical information. Shortly after college, in his 20s, DH got two DUIs and wound up serving some jail time. To him this is ancient history to the point that he neglected to even tell me this until after we were married. So, 1. that history scares me. 2. I tend to catastrophize a bit when I can't reach him. It's irrational, but I have gotten the "someone you love dealy has just died suddenly" call, and he knows this about me. I didn't need to be able to contact him because I needed him to do something for me. I just wanted the "I'm alive" text after I knew he was out drinking in a high crime city. That new dad who was walking home from bars in cap hill a few years ago and was jumped and is now permanently mentally disabled is the stuff my nightmares are made of.

I see. And OP I want you to know I can empathize deeply; I received my first "your loved one died unexpectedly" call when I was 20 and it took like 15 years to understand that other people didn't obsess in fear every time their loved ones were out of their sight. So I get it, especially given his history of making dangerous decisions under the influence of alcohol. And I get that you know it's over the top and want to control it but can't and feel like you're meeting him halfway by just NOT LOSING YOUR MIND, he could do you the same favor of a text. Is that right? That has been the dynamic with me and my husband before, so I totally get it.

But...how long has it been since his DUIs? Was he hiding those or are you 10-15 years out from those mistakes where he legitimately just doesn't think they are relevant details about who he is? That would matter to me. If it has really been a decade since he got into drinking trouble, I think you are overreacting and need to let this go. If he recently or consistently ends up in trouble, then you're tackling the issue of his drinking habits, not this specific incident.

And my DH found some solutions. I got PTSD therapy (highly recommend), he became diligent about sending me "safely arrived" texts, and we both use Find My IPhone to see where the other is. Okay. I think I use it exclusively, although he has the password to find me too, but I use it when I'm worried. He went out with his friends and now it's midnight and I don't want to nag but is everything okay...yes, they're at his friend's house, everything is fine. But really, you have to get control of your worrying one way or another - whether it's through tracking his phone or seeing a therapist or whatever you think might help you, because that's the issue that jumps out. His drinking may or may not be a problem, but you living in a semi-permanent state of anxiety is DEFINITELY not good for any of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well. He did wait until he was out of town and sans baby to let loose, do you think it would be okay if he drank too much only when that was the case? Sounds like maybe he knows it isn't appropriate for a family man but he's having a pseudo -bachelor vacation where it wouldn't harm anyone?

He couldn't have done anything for you or your baby today regardless of how sober he was, so I am a bit baffled by your vehemence.

OP here, I probably left out some critical information. Shortly after college, in his 20s, DH got two DUIs and wound up serving some jail time. To him this is ancient history to the point that he neglected to even tell me this until after we were married. So, 1. that history scares me. 2. I tend to catastrophize a bit when I can't reach him. It's irrational, but I have gotten the "someone you love dealy has just died suddenly" call, and he knows this about me. I didn't need to be able to contact him because I needed him to do something for me. I just wanted the "I'm alive" text after I knew he was out drinking in a high crime city. That new dad who was walking home from bars in cap hill a few years ago and was jumped and is now permanently mentally disabled is the stuff my nightmares are made of.

lexapro helps. catastrophizing is very real and can be debilitating.

i'd be annoyed too, but what can you do now? it's over. unless it keeps happening and his drinking intensifies, just move on.

[Anonymous]

He's 44! With a 6 month old! Stop being the fun police.

You seem really helpless... So what if you couldn't reach him for a few hours? If there was an emergency, you can handle it. You aren't living off the grid, or disabled, or unable to drive, right? One adult can handle one baby.

[Anonymous]

You guys are way too rough on OP. I'd be upset too. Maybe not AS upset, but upset nonetheless. And part of it would stem from my feelings (of envy) of being home alone with a 6mo while my DH was having a gay old time without me. I'd have felt that way after my first kid at least, when the adjustment from wild freedom to motherhood took me a while to come to terms with. After the second kid, when I didn't want to be partying anyway, I would have cared less if DH had a bender.

Anyway, you're being too hard on her. She's not being completely controlling, just has a lot on her plate.

[Anonymous]

Um, let this one go, OP. Or try going out on the town occasionally yourself. You don't suspect cheating, you weren't depending on him for anything and neither was anyone else. if he gets drunk a few times/year, he's probably not an alcoholic.

now, the DUIs are another matter. but if you believe him that he's not addicted and he'd never do something like that again, getting drunk a few times/year is just not a big deal. I don't even think its annoying or wrong. It's something adults sometimes do socially to amuse themselves.

Just ask him to please keep his phone close even if he is on a bender.

[Anonymous]

He was away, baby and you not dependent on him, and yeah, not a big deal. So, you couldn't contact him. Not like he could have DONE anything anyway.

Give him a pass on this, discuss it when calm.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get where you're coming from. I'd be actually concerned if my 44 year old husband gets stumbling, throwing up drunk pretty regularly. This is a "work" trip, right? Does he have any concern about how his professional rep can be impacted by frat boy behavior? I guess it depends on the industry...maybe the behavior is encouraged? I'm all for tying one on, every now and then, but once you hit 40, getting blackout, passout drunk is a warning sign and childish. OP, I'd let go of the "you were unavailable for hours" stuff...that's the the issue...it's your concern about his seemingly unhealthy relationship with alcohol and where this is headed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give him a break and when he is back you can take a break. It is hard having a 6 months old. This is survival mode, try as best as you can to get through the first year. Good luck!

'


Yep, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well. He did wait until he was out of town and sans baby to let loose, do you think it would be okay if he drank too much only when that was the case? Sounds like maybe he knows it isn't appropriate for a family man but he's having a pseudo -bachelor vacation where it wouldn't harm anyone?

He couldn't have done anything for you or your baby today regardless of how sober he was, so I am a bit baffled by your vehemence.

OP here, I probably left out some critical information. Shortly after college, in his 20s, DH got two DUIs and wound up serving some jail time. To him this is ancient history to the point that he neglected to even tell me this until after we were married. So, 1. that history scares me. 2. I tend to catastrophize a bit when I can't reach him. It's irrational, but I have gotten the "someone you love dealy has just died suddenly" call, and he knows this about me. I didn't need to be able to contact him because I needed him to do something for me. I just wanted the "I'm alive" text after I knew he was out drinking in a high crime city. That new dad who was walking home from bars in cap hill a few years ago and was jumped and is now permanently mentally disabled is the stuff my nightmares are made of.

I actually thought there might be more history like this than you were letting on. For about five years, I was with a guy who drank himself into oblivion - if I didn't hear from him for some certain time, I could almost guarantee he was passed out, or had hurt himself, or something like that. And it did make me crazy - it did make me into the fun police. I heard a hint of that in your original post.

That guy and I eventually broke up, we didn't have kids together. I don't know what you should do or think in this situation. I don't blame you for being worried, and I understand why you'd react like you did. I don't think that this dynamic is going to be good for either of you in the long term - either you have to live with his (it sounds like now occasional) drunk episodes, or he has to not do them anymore, or you both have to live with him doing them and you freaking out. Or the two of you have to learn some new way to interact when this does happen - maybe a therapist can help.

In any case, I don't think you're crazy for freaking out. I know what it's like to be with someone whose drinking is really problematic.

[Anonymous]

You didn't actually need anything so the fact you have a 6 month old and couldn't reach him is pretty irrelevant. He wasn't responsible for the care of the baby so why is it a big deal if he went out and drank? Seriously, he's hungover, he's paying the price. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am livid. We have a 6 month old, and the fact that I couldn't reach him for several hours is unacceptable to me.

This does not make you look good, and not just because it is crazy and controlling. You are saying that you are so helpless and incompetent and incapable as a mother that you can't care for your baby for three hours straight without assistance from your husband.

Having a little one its easy to catastrophize the "what ifs" when you are at home and DH is far away. I get it, but urge you to not unload on your husband. Let it go this time.