Reply to DH bender on a work trip. How big of a deal do I make this?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Well. He did wait until he was out of town and sans baby to let loose, do you think it would be okay if he drank too much only when that was the case? Sounds like maybe he knows it isn't appropriate for a family man but he's having a pseudo -bachelor vacation where it wouldn't harm anyone?

He couldn't have done anything for you or your baby today regardless of how sober he was, [b]so I am a bit baffled by your vehemence.[/b][/quote]

OP here, I probably left out some critical information.  Shortly after college, in his 20s, DH got two DUIs and wound up serving some jail time.  To him this is ancient history to the point that he neglected to even tell me this until after we were married.  So, 1. that history scares me.  2. I tend to catastrophize a bit when I can't reach him.  It's irrational, but I have gotten the "someone you love dealy has just died suddenly" call, and he knows this about me.  I didn't need to be able to contact him because I needed him to do something for me.  I just wanted the "I'm alive" text after I knew he was out drinking in a high crime city.  That new dad who was walking home from bars in cap hill a few years ago and was jumped and is now permanently mentally disabled is the stuff my nightmares are made of.[/quote]

I see. And OP I want you to know I can empathize deeply; I received my first "your loved one died unexpectedly" call when I was 20 and it took like 15 years to understand that other people didn't obsess in fear every time their loved ones were out of their sight. So I get it, especially given his history of making dangerous decisions under the influence of alcohol. And I get that you know it's over the top and want to control it but can't and feel like you're meeting him halfway by just NOT LOSING YOUR MIND, he could do you the same favor of a text. Is that right? That has been the dynamic with me and my husband before, so I totally get it.

But...how long has it been since his DUIs? Was he hiding those or are you 10-15 years out from those mistakes where he legitimately just doesn't think they are relevant details about who he is? That would matter to me. If it has really been a decade since he got into drinking trouble, I think you are overreacting and need to let this go. If he recently or consistently ends up in trouble, then you're tackling the issue of his drinking habits, not this specific incident.

And my DH found some solutions. I got PTSD therapy (highly recommend), he became diligent about sending me "safely arrived" texts, and we both use Find My IPhone to see where the other is. Okay. I think I use it exclusively, although he has the password to find me too, but I use it when I'm worried. He went out with his friends and now it's midnight and I don't want to nag but is everything okay...yes, they're at his friend's house, everything is fine. But really, you have to get control of your worrying one way or another - whether it's through tracking his phone or seeing a therapist or whatever you think might help you, because that's the issue that jumps out. His drinking may or may not be a problem, but you living in a semi-permanent state of anxiety is DEFINITELY not good for any of you.[/quote]

OP here again.  Thanks for this.  I really appreciate the kindness in your response.  And your first paragraph pretty much nails it.  Now that I've had some time to sit on this (and thank you DCUM, to hear what a psycho shrew I am) for a bit, I realize this is a lot more about my anxiety.  I actually just last week finished weaning off Zoloft for postpartum anxiety, so... great timing.  His DUIs were 20 years ago, and I get, from his perspective, why he didn't mention them.  But I also think having served like 20-30 days in jail is a pretty major thing and something you should be obligated to mention to a partner before getting married.  For the record, I'd still marry him if I had known, but the fact that he hid it planted the "why" seed and made me wonder if there was more there to hide.

My anxiety (which turns to anger) when he drinks too much is not at all about him having a good time.  I actually like that he's fun, and we've had some great benders together.  I will admit, I definitely have control issues, but it's not as straightforward as wanting to control HIM, but in wanting to control/ prevent anything bad happening TO him.  When he gets drunk to this point, he becomes completely unaware of what an obvious target he is.  I'm terrified he will stumble into oncoming traffic, get mugged on the metro, blah, blah, blah, you name it.  Anxiety is sucks, and your point that other people don't obsess like this really resonates.  So again, thank you.  Clearly I need to work on this more than I realized.  I also hope DH can work with me a little bit here in recognizing that I just need a safety check-in every now and then.

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