DH bender on a work trip. How big of a deal do I make this?

[Anonymous]

DH is on a work trip in a party city. I spoke with him around midnight last night, and he sounded pretty drunk so I told him he sounded like he needed to go to bed, which he said he was going to do. Tried him at 8 this morning and his phone went straight to voicemail. After about an hour, I tried his hotel room with no answer and again about an hour later. Finally heard from him around 10:15 am. He sounded hungover for sure and like he had just woken up. He said the room phone didn't ring and that he didn't see the light flashing with a message or anything, which I am actually inclined to believe just from his response. He sounded genuinely surprised. He didn't have any work obligations this morning, so luckily he didn't sleep through anything, but he is going to have a rough day ahead as he has to present later this afternoon.

I am livid. We have a 6 month old, and the fact that I couldn't reach him for several hours is unacceptable to me. We have obviously been getting out less since the baby was born, so I kind of get blowing it out a little, but DH has a track record of getting too drunk several times per year. I am not sure if he is an alcoholic by DSM-V definition, we drink occasionally/moderately at home and he has no issue just having a few drinks. But when he is having fun in a social setting, he sometimes (probably once every 2-3 months) he loses the "off" switch and gets really drunk- sloppy, stumbling, slurring, very obviously drunk, sometimes throws up. This was annoying but tolerable before the baby. After baby, not so much. Since DS has been born, there has been one other time at a friend's 40th birthday where DH got super drunk and after we got home, set off the house alarm and woke the baby trying to go back out to go hang out with our neighbors who were drinking on the front porch when we came home.

DH is a good guy. He's a bit of an introvert, but once the party gets started he just doesn't want it to end. Despite shadiness above, I don't actually suspect cheating for a number of reasons. I don't want to be a bitchy, fun police wife, but we're not college kids anymore. He's 44, and we have a 6 month old. If this happened once a year or so when seeing old college buddies, whatever. But it's often enough that whenever he goes out, there's an anxiety in the back of my head about how much he will drink. And I never want our son to see him in this condition.

So, what's a reasonable line to draw here?

[Anonymous]

It's a work trip. I wouldn't worry about it at all.

[Anonymous]

Well. He did wait until he was out of town and sans baby to let loose, do you think it would be okay if he drank too much only when that was the case? Sounds like maybe he knows it isn't appropriate for a family man but he's having a pseudo -bachelor vacation where it wouldn't harm anyone?

He couldn't have done anything for you or your baby today regardless of how sober he was, so I am a bit baffled by your vehemence.

[Anonymous]

I think you should give him a break.

[Anonymous]

Give him a break and when he is back you can take a break. It is hard having a 6 months old. This is survival mode, try as best as you can to get through the first year. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You need to calm down about this. Is it a good thing that he did? No, but he probably feels pretty crappy right now and doesn't need you piling on. If you truly think that this is a pattern that he needs to address, then by all means talk to him about it when he gets home, but I personally don't have a problem with my husband going out with friends from time to time and getting drunk. If I was in your situation, I would stress that you were WORRIED when you couldn't get in touch with him and hope that how he feels now will help him remember to slow down and drink water the next time he goes out with friends.

[Anonymous]

"DH has a track record of getting too drunk several times per year." Give him a break. Getting so upset about this is kind of absurd.

[Anonymous]

Agree with everyone above. Based on the facts presented, you should calm down.

[Anonymous]

jesus H.

leave the guy alone.

" I don't want to be a bitchy, fun police wife " Sure sounds like you do.

[Anonymous]

"I don't want to be a bitchy, fun police wife, but we're not college kids anymore" Last time I checked getting older and having a child also does not mean all fun stops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am livid. We have a 6 month old, and the fact that I couldn't reach him for several hours is unacceptable to me.

This does not make you look good, and not just because it is crazy and controlling. You are saying that you are so helpless and incompetent and incapable as a mother that you can't care for your baby for three hours straight without assistance from your husband.

[Anonymous]

Not ideal, but let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am livid. We have a 6 month old, and the fact that I couldn't reach him for several hours is unacceptable to me.

This does not make you look good, and not just because it is crazy and controlling. You are saying that you are so helpless and incompetent and incapable as a mother that you can't care for your baby for three hours straight without assistance from your husband.

+1. You'll also not be able to reach him for several hours later today when he's presenting. There are PLENTY of times I can't reach DH because he's working, on metro, etc. Now if he was going MIA the entire work trip, I'd understand being pissed. A few hours? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am livid. We have a 6 month old, and the fact that I couldn't reach him for several hours is unacceptable to me.

This does not make you look good, and not just because it is crazy and controlling. You are saying that you are so helpless and incompetent and incapable as a mother that you can't care for your baby for three hours straight without assistance from your husband.

I don't think OP meant she needed help, just that with such a small baby she expects DH to be reachable *just in case*

I'm also a PP who said calm down, this is fine, he was out of town, for the record!

[Anonymous]

DH is on a work trip in a party city

and

Finally heard from him around 10:15 am

and

I am livid

Op, you are sounding like a crazy person

I don't want to discount that your husband uses bad judgement occasionally. I don't want to discount that this brings you stress. And hopefully he is not harming his career and never harming your family's safety - BUT OMG - he doesn't owe you any explanation at all. You are a horrible person, in your own way, for trying to control him for afar. Not sure which - his behavior, or your controlling attitude will bring on divorce faster but I can assure you - you are not being a good mom to your child if that happens.