DH bender on a work trip. How big of a deal do I make this?

[Anonymous]

Don't sweat it. In a real emergency you could call the front desk and ask them to knock on his room. We all need to cut loose in e in a while, and he's doing it out of town. Relax.

[Anonymous]

Do you work OP? I'm inclined to think not if you don't know how work trips go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be ok with DH getting drunk on trips. Not something I want in my marriage. I'm fine with him going out for a couple drinks after dinner and getting back to his hotel room at a reasonable hour. But no good comes from getting drunk with coworkers in a strange city.

DH did it once and I had to put the fear of God him- I will not be married to someone who does that, if you want to remain my husband you need to act like my husband, You've Given Me A Lot to Think About- then stayed at a family member's house for a couple days so dH came home to an empty house. I know I'll probably get criticized here for that and people will say DH will divorce me, but I've found enforcing strong boundaries has always improved my relationships. I don't nag or get emotional, I just state my expectations and enforce consequences.

Another option is to arrange for your own night out, put on your sexiest clothes and makeup, and go out with some of your single girl friends. Stay out late and don't check in. You deserve a night of fun too. My own DH suddenly changed his tune when he realized getting drunk and having fun meant I was also allowed to.

Psycho

#DramaLLama

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't control everything, so give it up. In your post above, all you're doing is making excuses for your crazy behavior. That's not okay. No wonder dh drank like crazy and avoided your calls. I would too.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty amazed by all the people who say don't worry about it. It's time for this 44 year old to grow up and stop behaving like a frat boy. He's a husband and a father. When I was about his age and with three young children I remember getting drunk and my wife writing me a long handwritten letter (no text!!) reminding me of my responsibilities to her and our kids. That was 20 years ago and I still have the letter. Not that I've been a saint since then but I took her letter to heart. Drinking too much is dangerous for yourself and others. And, when the child id older it can set a bad example. We all like to have a good time but getting drunk doesn't usually lead to a better time....jst a really bad hangover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"DH has a track record of getting too drunk several times per year." Give him a break. Getting so upset about this is kind of absurd.

Really? I'm sure part of it is being home alone with a baby, which is stressful, but her DH really needs to exhibit a bit more self-control. Every two-three months getting completely incapacitated, and then probably being of no use the next day? That's just not something parents of little kids get to do.

Time to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you work OP? I'm inclined to think not if you don't know how work trips go.

OP again. DH works for govt and travels rarely. I make more $$ and work in old school boys club world and travel for work almost monthly. I can count on one hand the number of times I've gotten super drunk on a work trip since we've been together. I guess he was excited by the novelty. He's also in a term position, and needs to start looking for a job, so I'm also annoyed that he potentially made an ass out of himself. But whatever.

Not sure if anyone else every wonders if these posts ever change OP's mind, so I'll tell you that I have re-evaluated and am feeling a lot better. So thanks to those of you who gave me the gentle constructive feedback I needed to hear. The rest of y'all are just mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well. He did wait until he was out of town and sans baby to let loose, do you think it would be okay if he drank too much only when that was the case? Sounds like maybe he knows it isn't appropriate for a family man but he's having a pseudo -bachelor vacation where it wouldn't harm anyone?

He couldn't have done anything for you or your baby today regardless of how sober he was, so I am a bit baffled by your vehemence.

OP here, I probably left out some critical information. Shortly after college, in his 20s, DH got two DUIs and wound up serving some jail time. To him this is ancient history to the point that he neglected to even tell me this until after we were married. So, 1. that history scares me. 2. I tend to catastrophize a bit when I can't reach him. It's irrational, but I have gotten the "someone you love dealy has just died suddenly" call, and he knows this about me. I didn't need to be able to contact him because I needed him to do something for me. I just wanted the "I'm alive" text after I knew he was out drinking in a high crime city. That new dad who was walking home from bars in cap hill a few years ago and was jumped and is now permanently mentally disabled is the stuff my nightmares are made of.

I see. And OP I want you to know I can empathize deeply; I received my first "your loved one died unexpectedly" call when I was 20 and it took like 15 years to understand that other people didn't obsess in fear every time their loved ones were out of their sight. So I get it, especially given his history of making dangerous decisions under the influence of alcohol. And I get that you know it's over the top and want to control it but can't and feel like you're meeting him halfway by just NOT LOSING YOUR MIND, he could do you the same favor of a text. Is that right? That has been the dynamic with me and my husband before, so I totally get it.

But...how long has it been since his DUIs? Was he hiding those or are you 10-15 years out from those mistakes where he legitimately just doesn't think they are relevant details about who he is? That would matter to me. If it has really been a decade since he got into drinking trouble, I think you are overreacting and need to let this go. If he recently or consistently ends up in trouble, then you're tackling the issue of his drinking habits, not this specific incident.

And my DH found some solutions. I got PTSD therapy (highly recommend), he became diligent about sending me "safely arrived" texts, and we both use Find My IPhone to see where the other is. Okay. I think I use it exclusively, although he has the password to find me too, but I use it when I'm worried. He went out with his friends and now it's midnight and I don't want to nag but is everything okay...yes, they're at his friend's house, everything is fine. But really, you have to get control of your worrying one way or another - whether it's through tracking his phone or seeing a therapist or whatever you think might help you, because that's the issue that jumps out. His drinking may or may not be a problem, but you living in a semi-permanent state of anxiety is DEFINITELY not good for any of you.

OP here again. Thanks for this. I really appreciate the kindness in your response. And your first paragraph pretty much nails it. Now that I've had some time to sit on this (and thank you DCUM, to hear what a psycho shrew I am) for a bit, I realize this is a lot more about my anxiety. I actually just last week finished weaning off Zoloft for postpartum anxiety, so... great timing. His DUIs were 20 years ago, and I get, from his perspective, why he didn't mention them. But I also think having served like 20-30 days in jail is a pretty major thing and something you should be obligated to mention to a partner before getting married. For the record, I'd still marry him if I had known, but the fact that he hid it planted the "why" seed and made me wonder if there was more there to hide.

My anxiety (which turns to anger) when he drinks too much is not at all about him having a good time. I actually like that he's fun, and we've had some great benders together. I will admit, I definitely have control issues, but it's not as straightforward as wanting to control HIM, but in wanting to control/ prevent anything bad happening TO him. When he gets drunk to this point, he becomes completely unaware of what an obvious target he is. I'm terrified he will stumble into oncoming traffic, get mugged on the metro, blah, blah, blah, you name it. Anxiety is sucks, and your point that other people don't obsess like this really resonates. So again, thank you. Clearly I need to work on this more than I realized. I also hope DH can work with me a little bit here in recognizing that I just need a safety check-in every now and then.

OP, we have some similarities--my DH often works in classified spaces, so I definitely can't get ahold of him then, I also worry unnecessarily, catastrophize, etc. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped a good deal, but we also have some tools like the PP suggested--the find my phone feature so I can see if DH left work yet or not or which place he's working if I forgot is a good one.

I also had zoloft for PPD, weaned off it, and realized I'm better on a low dose, so there's that too. You may not be ready to be off it yet--especially with the whole sleep deprivation part. That never helps.

I'm sure you and DH can talk about this when he gets home--and I hope you take a nice break yourself when he gets back. Hang in there--I have two kids now, but six months out with the first baby was pretty intense all around, especially when one spouse travels. It gets better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be ok with DH getting drunk on trips. Not something I want in my marriage. I'm fine with him going out for a couple drinks after dinner and getting back to his hotel room at a reasonable hour. But no good comes from getting drunk with coworkers in a strange city.

DH did it once and I had to put the fear of God him- I will not be married to someone who does that, if you want to remain my husband you need to act like my husband, You've Given Me A Lot to Think About- then stayed at a family member's house for a couple days so dH came home to an empty house. I know I'll probably get criticized here for that and people will say DH will divorce me, but I've found enforcing strong boundaries has always improved my relationships. I don't nag or get emotional, I just state my expectations and enforce consequences.

Another option is to arrange for your own night out, put on your sexiest clothes and makeup, and go out with some of your single girl friends. Stay out late and don't check in. You deserve a night of fun too. My own DH suddenly changed his tune when he realized getting drunk and having fun meant I was also allowed to.

Cray cray.

[Anonymous]

He was away and decided to let loose, and you're jealous. When he gets home, just apologize profusely for being controlling, needy and whiny. If you're lucky, he'll keep you.

[Anonymous]

So he had some fun. What could go wrong?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3892950/The-dramatic-moment-British-tourist-robbed-ORANGE-stuffed-mouth-stop-screaming-north-African-teenagers-returned-hotel-Rome.html

[Anonymous]

I'm a 46 y.o. mom. If I went out of town for work or to visit a friend and decided to go out drinking, absent some compelling reason that required me to stay in touch throughout the evening, in my view that decision would be my business, one that I could make without my partner's oversight.

I really think you have postpartum anxiety, OP, and I think you need to get help before your destroy your marriage with it.

[Anonymous]

Big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty amazed by all the people who say don't worry about it. It's time for this 44 year old to grow up and stop behaving like a frat boy. He's a husband and a father. When I was about his age and with three young children I remember getting drunk and my wife writing me a long handwritten letter (no text!!) reminding me of my responsibilities to her and our kids. That was 20 years ago and I still have the letter. Not that I've been a saint since then but I took her letter to heart. Drinking too much is dangerous for yourself and others. And, when the child id older it can set a bad example. We all like to have a good time but getting drunk doesn't usually lead to a better time....jst a really bad hangover.

Oh come on. Getting drunk often does lead to a really fun time. Of course it also leads to trouble sometimes, which is why it's not good to do it too frequently. This was one trip and it happens a few times a year. Hardly cause for concern. Please get a grip. You're way overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Op, just because you have "triggers" doesn't mean you get special treatment.

Just because you chose to marry someone irresponsible (formerly, at least) doesn't give you a pass.