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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
You are expecting your feelings to take precedence over hers.

Let me flip the point of view here since you can't seem to see beyond yourself:

Is it fair to expect your mother who has just reclaimed her life from a man who ate up her youth to then cede crucial time with her family to this man and even be expected to carry her kids emotionally through the process of caring for this man? Why is it always about him? Why isn't it fair to expect her adult kids, who have chosen to carry the burden of their father's care, to manage that care while also realizing their mother matters and time with her shouldn't be overshadowed by their father's problems?[/quote]

I'm not the OP, but I think the answers to your questions are:

1) yes, because it's fair to expect a parent to emotionally support their kids through any legitimately difficult time in their lives

2) it's not about him, it's about her daughters

3) her adult children clearly DO realize that their mother matters and shouldn't be overshadowed by their father's problems, but they are also constrained by reality which does not allow them to adequately care for their own families, hold down jobs, care for their father and spend time with mom.  If dad's illness is in fact terminal, then that's just gotta take priority in the short term.

It's great for OP's mom that she got out of an unhappy marriage, but she's still a mom and the only mom OP's got.  I think it's fair to be annoyed that she's not being terribly helpful and is making you feel bad about being a good daughter to your father.  Presumably she expects you'll do the same for her some day.  Nobody forced your mom to marry your dad and she can divorce him but she can't pretend that he never existed when she's got kids with him.

At least this is what I tell myself (and my parents) when they give me grief about spending too much time with the other one or having to miss holidays or whatever.  I didn't choose this life, they did.  And I'm not mad about it, they had every right to make that decision and it was probably the better one for everyone, but it still has consequences.  And, FWIW, when my stepfather (who I lived with for 17 years) was dying my father supported me completely.  Gave me space, let me vent and cry, even cried with me a bit.  Helped us out at the funeral.  Even helped my mom out with things around the house that my stepfather otherwise would have handled.  I'm sorry your mom isn't giving you that OP. [/quote]

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