Parents of college students - what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the advice and perspectives.

To answer some questions...the college is in Boston. DD just met roommate in September and they became friends. Roommate is an international student and does not have a good relationship with parents. I never met the parents and have no way to contact them.

Roommate is still in mental hospital about 20 miles away. DD has been taking Uber to visit her nearly every day since she's been there (over ten days).

No one at the school has offered support to DD. No one at school is visiting her roommate or taking care of anything. It has been up to my DD to visit, bring her things, etc. DD feels she has no choice since there are no family involved. DD does not want to ask anyone for help and says she doesn't have any time. I have already called the head of counseling services as well as residential services and have placed a call into the dean. I have plan to visit in a week, but in the meantime I am very concerned with how this is being handled and the fact that DD is pretty much taking over the role as the parent in this. I am also worried about what happens when roommate returns to school. From my observations, RAs don't seem to be very involved in much. DD says she barely knows her. This is very different from when I was an RA in college

But who at the school actually knows about what's going on? DD says she doesn't have time to ask for help? That's silly. She has time, she just might not know what to do or who to call. Don't let her feelings of obligation turn her into a martyr at her own expense. This is a problem that is simply way bigger than she can handle. Yes, DD needs help, but she also needs to be a bit of a grown up and recognize she isn't in a position to continue this. She needs to say no.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. School knows what's going on, PP, since they were the one who transferred roommate to hospital after she went to school counseling center. Housing was also informed. The problem is that no one is offering to help DD support her roommate. While I agree DD could make the time to seek out help, she is the type that doesn't like to make waves and feels it would betray her roommate to do so. I just wish school could be proactive in taking care of this and not rely on 18 year-olds to be dealing with such serious matters to go to them to ask for help.

[Anonymous]

My DD's school has had so many suicides in the past three years that the schools known for suicide would cringe. As a result, they have a campaign to make sure every student knows how to seek help and how to spot the troubled and get them help. See if there is a Reddit/ Facebook specific to the school and post the situation (anonymously) without naming the roommate. You will get people/groups coming out of the woodwork to offer rides, care packages, and counseling. This will help ease your daughter's burden. Your daughter needs a group with more experience to tackle this situation. The ramifications if this escalates are just too extreme and the vulnerability of your daughter to depression is very real.

[Anonymous]

You need to have her pull back so the sick girl's parents step in. Your Dd is enabling .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe the child is hospitalized and the parents don't know..

That's the law. If she is over 18, parents are not notified. It is her choice and she does not have to give permission to notify her parents. If she has school health insurance, it won't show up on her parent's insurance.

It certainly sounds like it might help to notify parents.

My niece was at a HYP school and OD'd on percoset. She lived, but she did not allow the school to contact her parents.

It is an extremely frustrating situation. Parents can pay for school, but are not entitled to any other information -- not even grades.

[Anonymous]

21:10 again.

Your DD needs to notify someone at the school. She should not bear the burden of this on her own. She sounds like a great kid, but she needs to let adults at school handle this.

[Anonymous]

This girl has been hospitalized for over a week and her parents have no clue about any of this? If this is happening on their insurance they are going to get mail (medical invoices, bills, etc). I don't think that this girl can keep her parents in the dark forever. They are going to find out and when that happens your daughter is going to be in the middle of it and that is a worry. Are these reasonable people, will they fly off the handle?

I agree that this is more than your daughter can really be expected to handle. She has done an amazing job of helping her roommate through the initial crisis - she sounds like a really wonderful young lady. But it's time to hand this over to the RA and talk to counseling about how best to deal with this situation.

[Anonymous]

Let's say this girl improves and her parents do not find out. She is released from the hospital and comes back to the room with your daughter. She is probably going to be on medications and/or have therapy. She is still going to need support of some kind. Your daughter is still going to be on edge about this situation/feel she needs to help her. It's not a good situation for a freshman in college. Your daughter CANNOT be the only person this girl has as a support. It will not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. School knows what's going on, PP, since they were the one who transferred roommate to hospital after she went to school counseling center. Housing was also informed. The problem is that no one is offering to help DD support her roommate. While I agree DD could make the time to seek out help, she is the type that doesn't like to make waves and feels it would betray her roommate to do so. I just wish school could be proactive in taking care of this and not rely on 18 year-olds to be dealing with such serious matters to go to them to ask for help.

Your DD is not "supporting" her roommate, she is trying to be a savior and she can not be this girl's savior. The roommate does not need anything more from school if your DD has already been there to visit and brought her some items. The hospital is providing room, food, medical care, and therapy. That is all the roommate needs right now. Tell your DD to back off as well as to consider finding a new roommate.

[Anonymous]

That is the first thing your daughter should be doing .... Immediately figure out how to get a new roommate. This cannot possibly be going anywhere good for your poor child. So glad you're going to visit next week -- wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

Uncool. Why are you not in your daughters face about her responsibility to herself and your family and explain that her roommate is in NO way her responsibility. If she is being used, speak up and set her boundaries if she won't. I would have demanded she be moved to a different dorm immediately, not for any other reason than her own well being. Threaten to pull her out of school if you have to. All without minimizing the roommates situation. Explain to D she is not helping roommate by hiding it. The last think you want is a VERY STICKY SITUATION WITH ROOMMATE'S PARENTS. Grow a backbone and put your foot down before daughter fails too.

[Anonymous]

The first thing the college's CYA defense memo will say is that hospitalized girl was doing just fine with all kinds of support from the college, i.e. your daughter, who was essentially the school's agent in caring for the poor roommate with mental health issues. Do not let the college pass this buck!

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is overstepping her role. Her primary responsibility is to herself and her own studies. SHe is not this girl's caretaker - especially if the parents are not notified or involved. Your child is spending her own money and neglecting her own life for this. While it's kind, she needs to step back and be kind with boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10 day psychiatric hold is very unusual in the US. This serious situation. I would urge your daughter not to get involved any further.

This. Not common to stay for 10 days. It is a short term emergency treatment not meant to be long term. Your DD first priority needs to be her college classes. Don't let her roommate suck her down with her.

[Anonymous]

OP again. While I really appreciate the responses and has been helpful as I try to figure out what to do, there are a few suggestions that are just not practical.

When your kid is a legal adult and living in another state, "letting" her do something or "making" her do something is not an option. While we could threaten to stop funding her education unless she does as we tell her, that would do nothing but have her feel controlled or result in her stop telling us the truth of what is going on.

As I mentioned in a previous post, parents are not involved because they live in another continent and because roommate has refused to let them know what is going on. While DD could try to talk her into involving them, roommate refuses. I don't know who they are, they are not on Facebook (I tried to find them there), and even if I could locate them, I would worry that -- not knowing their culture or their family issues -- whether it would make things worse.

As far as the school, they ARE passing the buck. I have now talked with three different administrators (counseling services, residential housing, and one of the deans). Because this girl is in the hospital -- her emergency hold has now turned into an intensive in-patient stay -- they are not doing a single thing. All they tell me is that I need to tell my daughter to set boundaries, which of course I do. I have told them that my daughter, knowing that her roommate has no one in her life, knowing that her roommate is in a really bad place, has found it impossible to ignore her. I am begging them to step into the situation to relieve my daughter of this enormous responsibility.

DD think she will be released next week, and to my knowledge, the school is not equipped with any transition plan.

I will continue to call the school. To me, there lack of responsiveness has put my daughter in an impossible situation -- either she cuts the roommate off and feels horrible guilty for doing so, or she becomes her primary mental caregiver.