Parents of college students - what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - PP, I am thinking that maybe I should contact the hospital and tell them what I know of the situation. I would rather do it myself than put another burden on my daughter. Not even sure if they would take my call, but I guess it couldn't hurt.

Without the roommate' express permission, the hospital can't even confirm that the roommate is a patient. They shouldn't take your call. For them to respond to you would be a hipaa violation.

Go see your daughter and tell her she has to get out of this situation. It isn't healthy for her. Your DD sounds like a caring kid which is great. Her roommate's care needs to be handled by professionals, not by an 18 year old roommate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the responses, everyone. I'm still confused as to how best to proceed. What I am really wanting is a responsible adult to step in -- parent/college admin -- and take this responsibility away from DD. She's been in for almost two weeks now. DD has been visiting her almost every day. For me to tell her not to is falling on deaf ears because this is her friend who has no one else to turn to.

I explained the situation to the Dean of Students. Basically he says my daughter has to the school if she wants support But it is not support that she needs as much as she just needs someone else to help this girl. For whatever reason, legal liability/privacy, school will do nothing.

I also have no idea what happens when an at-risk student returns to campus. It seems like an awful burden to place on roommates. But I am also guessing that colleges can't kick students out because of serious mental illness.

DD does not want to betray her friend by switching roommates. She refuses.

I get what people are saying that my DD is making these choices herself and that it is up to her to choose otherwise. But honestly, I think she has been forced into a situation that is really difficult to walk away from when no one at the school is offering any assistance or support while roommate is in hospital. It remains to be seen what, if anything, they will do when she is discharged. My guess is they will be passive and only respond if roommate asks for help.

BTW, if anyone is reading this who is currently looking at colleges, I STRONGLY urge you to check out mental health services and learn their policies. This situation with the roommate has made for a pretty awful freshman year. Maybe all schools respond the same way....but either way, it's worth knowing how they handle hypotheticals before you have to deal with them in real life.

00:10, I don't want to name the college -- but I will say it is a well-respected medium-sized school in Boston.

Call a Boston attorney if you need guidance. If you need support, get some legal advice.

[Anonymous]

Beginning in the 1980s, colleges and universities began a very "hands off" approach to anything personal in the lives of their students. It protects them from liability. Any precedents that suggest school are acting "in loco parentis" (in place of parents) is a bomb waiting to go off, in their view. This has given rise to much risky behavior on the part of youth who aren't at all prepared to be unsupervised adults.
Colleges are quite coy about telling parents their position on this, but it's quite clear that this is a case in point.
I would do everything in my power to dissuade my daughter from continuing responsibility for the roommate, including contacting the other girl's parents.

[Anonymous]

I would NOT meddle and call the other girl's parents. If that were a good idea someone at the hospital would have already done it.

Op needs to focus on HER daughter and getting her living situation straightened out.

[Anonymous]

Op, you need to consider whether or not to go visit the room mate. Not sure if it's a good idea, but it could have a positive impact by her seeing a responsible adult. Also, keep on the school and trying to get to the RA, while still encouraging your daughter to reach out to campus and dorm officials.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I would avoid kicking up too much dust over this. Whatever is said to the RA, counseling, etc. has to be done quietly and with respectful discretion for this young lady who may one day be back on campus.

Focus on your daughter and what your daughter needs. I would not plan on visiting the roommate in the hospital.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your frustration with the school is misplaced - and it's a way of avoiding directing your frustration toward your daughter. I get it: your daughter is a kind person, and she also seems to feel responsible for helping her roommate. All that says wonderful things about her.

But your expectation that the university should dispatch someone every day to visit and befriend a freshman in a psych ward simply so that your daughter won't feel obliged to do so misses the mark. First of all, that's not a viable expectation for any educational institution. Think about how many crises are at play at any given moment in a "medium sized university" - dozens, if not more, students are experiencing some kind of acute medical issue and/or related personal fallout.

The university's responsibility is to make sure that its students get the help they need, which is happening with your daughter's roommate. They can't (and probably shouldn't) do more. Your daughter obviously has a kind heart, but she is over involved in her roommate's situation. Why is that - is she unhappy at school for other reasons? Or if it's just the fallout from the roommate, she needs to get some therapy to deal with that. You need to appreciate that she is in her own crisis, and you should deal with that. Stop focusing on the school and focus on your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Op, what support do you think the college should be giving the roommate? They recognized that they were not able to give the roommate the help she needed on campus so she is now somewhere where she's getting 24/7 support and help from trained professionals.
I'm sure the roommate loves visits from your DD - visitors are wonderful when you're in the hospital. But I'm having a hard time understanding what your DD is doing that should be taken over by the school. What type of actual help is she proving that can or should be taken over by someone else from school rather than someone at the hospital?

Your DD *does* need the kind of support the college should be equipped to provide - she needs support in learning self-advocacy, setting boundaries, establishing priorities, and recognizing appropriate roles and relationships. Those are not easy skills for a kind and caring 18 year old, but they are important life skills.
Please focus on your own DD and not the roommate and help her gracefully extricate herself from this situation and realize that the roommate is in a safe place now being cared for.

[Anonymous]

Forget the school. Forget the roommate. Work on your daughter, OP.

[Anonymous]

COuld you fly up there and go to the university's health center WITH your daughter so they can guide your DD?