Parents of college students - what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Then this is a very good lesson for your daughter as a new young adult. She gives the roommate a list of people/resources to contact for help and she cuts off contact down to the same level as any other hospitalized new acquaintance (maybe occasional visits). Then asks for a roommate transfer. No one will set her boundaries for her and she needs to set some for herself while keeping an eye on her main goal -- to successfully run her only life. No one else will cate about her success as much as she does, so if she doesn't care for it and nurture it, she's screwed.

Tell her that. She's an adult, it's time for honesty about how the world works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. While I really appreciate the responses and has been helpful as I try to figure out what to do, there are a few suggestions that are just not practical.

When your kid is a legal adult and living in another state, "letting" her do something or "making" her do something is not an option. While we could threaten to stop funding her education unless she does as we tell her, that would do nothing but have her feel controlled or result in her stop telling us the truth of what is going on.

As I mentioned in a previous post, parents are not involved because they live in another continent and because roommate has refused to let them know what is going on. While DD could try to talk her into involving them, roommate refuses. I don't know who they are, they are not on Facebook (I tried to find them there), and even if I could locate them, I would worry that -- not knowing their culture or their family issues -- whether it would make things worse.

As far as the school, they ARE passing the buck. I have now talked with three different administrators (counseling services, residential housing, and one of the deans). Because this girl is in the hospital -- her emergency hold has now turned into an intensive in-patient stay -- they are not doing a single thing. All they tell me is that I need to tell my daughter to set boundaries, which of course I do. I have told them that my daughter, knowing that her roommate has no one in her life, knowing that her roommate is in a really bad place, has found it impossible to ignore her. I am begging them to step into the situation to relieve my daughter of this enormous responsibility.

DD think she will be released next week, and to my knowledge, the school is not equipped with any transition plan.

I will continue to call the school. To me, there lack of responsiveness has put my daughter in an impossible situation -- either she cuts the roommate off and feels horrible guilty for doing so, or she becomes her primary mental caregiver.

Your daughter needs to be the one to go to the RA, student counseling and explain how worried *she* is about this roommate and how it is impacting *her* studies and her own frame of mind (which is 100% understandable). I think that what the school is saying is that they can not "handle" this situation from the roommate's perspective because the roommate is not asking them to step in. Your daughter is the one that needs help with this. So far, the school has told your daughter to "set boundaries". Your daughter is feeling overwhelmed, burdened, concerned about what happens when her roommate arrives back at the dorm. If her grades aren't suffering now, they will be soon - unless something changes.

Your daughter needs to request a room transfer and she needs to be the one to move. She can remain a supportive friend to this girl - from a distance. Your daughter, as a brand new freshman, needs to have supportive friends, too. She needs to be able to go out and have fun. She needs to be able to concentrate on her studies. Right now that is next to impossible.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been reading your thread and have a couple of thoughts. I work in a college counseling center, and can say that the professionals there are bound by strict confidentiality unless there's an immediate threat that the roommate will harm herself or others (and it sounds like that time window of imminent threat passed at least 10 days ago). However, I'm frankly surprised that the Deans and Residence Life haven't been able to intervene, since their confidentiality obligations are not as stringent. There should be more of a safety net to support your daughter through this, and Residence Life should be taking a more active lead, in my opinion. I'm sorry that they've been unhelpful.

I do wonder if it's time for you to make a visit to her campus, meet with the administrators and most importantly, talk to your DD and help her to see that she needs to set boundaries with the roommate? I honestly think this is too much for a new college freshman to navigate on her own. This is what I'd do in your situation. Wishing your daughter better days ahead at college.

[Anonymous]

OP, you and your DD have my sympathies. This is an incredibly tough situation.

OTOH what you are asking the school to do - step in and "support" a young woman who is hospitalized - is also unrealistic. You cannot force your own daughter to stop feeling responsible for her roommate - well, neither can the university. And just as there are legal reasons why they have to be careful in releasing the roommate's medical information to you or to her parents, there are undoubtedly liability concerns attached to dispatching a staffer to check in on her treatment on a daily basis as your daughter is currently doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The roommate's daughter is likely still a dependent of her parents. It is likely that her health insurance is based on her parents' employment. The way health insurance is now, I would be surprised if she didn't have to jump through some network or copay, etc. hoops. I am sure some kind of letter from the health insurance company is forthcoming to her home address. At least that is how it would work in my case. I would see that correspondence and wonder what it was. I might call my daughter/son and ask to open it. I might then understand that he/she is not at the dormitory. Etc., etc. Now, if she has health insurance through the school, it might be different. I don't know.

In any case, I think the parents are going to know sooner or later. They should be the primary support for her because they are already in that position, not your DD.

I would not feel badly about somehow getting this message to them a bit sooner. Maybe through a third party if you feel uncomfortable. Maybe the parents could visit the school, find her absent, be alarmed, and ask where she is. Would the school withhold the information?

Probably not. Health insurance companies also are bound by HIPAA. I can't call and even check on claim status for my 18 year old.

[Anonymous]

Is there an office for international students? Perhaps there are support services there for the roommate? Although it's completely not your job, your daughter would feel less responsible if she knew that someone whose job this is was stepping in to support the girl. At the same time, I know there is also a trend for universities to create a layer of distance between themselves and suicidal students for liability purposes. Often they are asked to leave campus and seek mental health support at home before being considered for re-admission. Perhaps the administration could explain to you their policies on suicidal students.

[Anonymous]

get help from clergy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there an office for international students? Perhaps there are support services there for the roommate? Although it's completely not your job, your daughter would feel less responsible if she knew that someone whose job this is was stepping in to support the girl. At the same time, I know there is also a trend for universities to create a layer of distance between themselves and suicidal students for liability purposes. Often they are asked to leave campus and seek mental health support at home before being considered for re-admission. Perhaps the administration could explain to you their policies on suicidal students.

This is a good point. Maybe the girl hasn't returned to campus because she has been asked to seek mental health support at home.

[Anonymous]

What a tough situation for your DD.
As many PPs have said, she really needs to be the one to go ask for help. I suspect that's why RAs and Deans are telling you they can't support her - because they aren't hearing from your daughter what they need.
If at all possible I'd go visit her ASAP and go with her to speak to reslife and the counseling center. While there, have *her* be the one to explain the situation and to ask for whatever help is needed, which I would think includes not having the roommate come back to live with your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. School knows what's going on, PP, since they were the one who transferred roommate to hospital after she went to school counseling center. Housing was also informed. The problem is that no one is offering to help DD support her roommate. While I agree DD could make the time to seek out help, she is the type that doesn't like to make waves and feels it would betray her roommate to do so. I just wish school could be proactive in taking care of this and not rely on 18 year-olds to be dealing with such serious matters to go to them to ask for help.

Your DD is not "supporting" her roommate, she is trying to be a savior and she can not be this girl's savior. The roommate does not need anything more from school if your DD has already been there to visit and brought her some items. The hospital is providing room, food, medical care, and therapy. That is all the roommate needs right now. Tell your DD to back off as well as to consider finding a new roommate.

This. She needs to stop being a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. While I really appreciate the responses and has been helpful as I try to figure out what to do, there are a few suggestions that are just not practical.

When your kid is a legal adult and living in another state, "letting" her do something or "making" her do something is not an option. While we could threaten to stop funding her education unless she does as we tell her, that would do nothing but have her feel controlled or result in her stop telling us the truth of what is going on.

As I mentioned in a previous post, parents are not involved because they live in another continent and because roommate has refused to let them know what is going on. While DD could try to talk her into involving them, roommate refuses. I don't know who they are, they are not on Facebook (I tried to find them there), and even if I could locate them, I would worry that -- not knowing their culture or their family issues -- whether it would make things worse.

As far as the school, they ARE passing the buck. I have now talked with three different administrators (counseling services, residential housing, and one of the deans). Because this girl is in the hospital -- her emergency hold has now turned into an intensive in-patient stay -- they are not doing a single thing. All they tell me is that I need to tell my daughter to set boundaries, which of course I do. I have told them that my daughter, knowing that her roommate has no one in her life, knowing that her roommate is in a really bad place, has found it impossible to ignore her. I am begging them to step into the situation to relieve my daughter of this enormous responsibility.

DD think she will be released next week, and to my knowledge, the school is not equipped with any transition plan.

I will continue to call the school. To me, there lack of responsiveness has put my daughter in an impossible situation -- either she cuts the roommate off and feels horrible guilty for doing so, or she becomes her primary mental caregiver.

Your daughter needs to be the one to go to the RA, student counseling and explain how worried *she* is about this roommate and how it is impacting *her* studies and her own frame of mind (which is 100% understandable). I think that what the school is saying is that they can not "handle" this situation from the roommate's perspective because the roommate is not asking them to step in. Your daughter is the one that needs help with this. So far, the school has told your daughter to "set boundaries". Your daughter is feeling overwhelmed, burdened, concerned about what happens when her roommate arrives back at the dorm. If her grades aren't suffering now, they will be soon - unless something changes.

Your daughter needs to request a room transfer and she needs to be the one to move. She can remain a supportive friend to this girl - from a distance. Your daughter, as a brand new freshman, needs to have supportive friends, too. She needs to be able to go out and have fun. She needs to be able to concentrate on her studies. Right now that is next to impossible.

Yep. She needs to do this herself...not you, OP.

[Anonymous]

My suggestion would be to have your daughter have a talk with this girl on her next visit. Let her know that she is there to support her, but that her own studies come first and that she will only be able to visit and bring her a few things on days that her studies allow & they can chat via texting or social media, and then start to wean herself away.

I think all of a sudden just not showing up any more would be a blow to the girl in the hospital, and although it is not the daughter's responsibility, she seems like the type that would be unable to cope if this girl did attempt or actually commit suicide.

In the meantime, work on the college. They should be amenable to providing counseling to your daughter, with strategies to help her deal with this situation. Under the circumstances, if she is mentally not coping well, they should be able to move her to another dorm/find another roommate. IMO, it is the least they should be doing for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

I really think you need to get a high school friend to visit her for a weekend and talk some sense into her. Students will often listen more carefully to a peer.

[Anonymous]

I posted in the thread earlier about my niece and the OD. I am still thinking about your DD and I felt I had to write more.

Your DD sounds like a very caring person. This is a wonderful quality and I'm sure you're very proud of her.

However, she is in way over her head here. I know you are frustrated by the college's seemingly uncaring responses to your questions, but the truth is you have no idea how the school is supporting the roommate. They can't, by law, answer your questions. They can't answer your daughter's questions about what the school is doing for the roommate. I hope they are doing something, but it isn't for you to know.

The college can support your daughter however. If she chooses to seek counseling and help on how to step back from this situation, they should support her in that. No wonder she has no time for counseling if she's traveling 40 miles round trip every day. Your daughter's concern is a wonderful thing, but this is bigger than she can handle. She has to let the professionals do their job her.

Encourage her to speak to counseling services on how to set boundaries and step back. If you can't convince her to go, go up and see her in person and try to convince her.

I can understand that other posters in this thread feel shocked about the school not notifying the roommate's parents, but that is really the way the law works. It is not appropriate for you to notify the parents.

Your DD deserves to have a real college life on her own. She needs to live her own college life. Maybe she can visit from time to time, but your daughter's life at college has to come first.

FERPA can be very frustrating to parents. Everyone with a college student should read up on it.

[Anonymous]

You and/or you daughter have one more resource for support: the hospital. Psych units routinely involve the patient's support system, and they also try to do careful transition and discharge planning. Your daughter can ask to talk to a staff member on one of her visits if she is confident enough to do so.

Alternatively, you could phone. Ask your daughter for the name of the right staff member to contact. That person almost certainly will not share any treatment or planning information with you; she or he may not even acknowledge that roommate is a patient. But the staff member can listen to your concerns, and in that one-sided conversation, you can ask for their help in addressing them.