Parents of college students - what would you do?

[Anonymous]

DD is a freshman. Her roommate apparently has serious mental health issues and was hospitalized about 20 miles away from the college over a week ago. She is suicidal among other things. She does not want parents to know so they are not involved at all.

As a result, the burden for visiting the roommate, bringing her things, etc. has fallen on my DD. She has been taking an Uber every day to visit her. I am worried about the emotional toll this is taking on her. When I talked to her, she says she doesn't have time for anything else...is very lonely not having a roommate...and of course if worried about her. DD sounds very depressed herself and has not made any close friends at school that she can go to for support.

I called the campus counseling service to see what support they could offer my daughter. They said it is up to my DD to go to them. I encourage my daughter to do so, but she said she has no time. I asked counseling if there is an RA who could step in so my daughter is not having to handle this on her own. Counseling says laws prevent them from telling RAs.

I encouraged my DD to reach out to RAs, but she doesn't want to betray her roommate by telling them what is going on.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? I know there are some things in college that your kid has to figure out for themselves and it's best not to get involved -- but I am afraid that if I sit back and do nothing, things will only get worse for my daughter.

Thanks for any advice you might have!

[Anonymous]

My sister dealt with something similar her freshman year. She was as good a friend as she could be, but at the end of the first semester, the jig was up. The roommate obviously hadn't made any progress in school and had to leave because of grades. My sister never heard from her again.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter sounds like a lovely young woman. You should be proud to have raised somebody who would continue to visit a sick room mate. However, you are right: she needs to confide in the RA. I don't have any good advice on how to convince her to do this, but maybe if you keep suggesting it, she will eventually see that this makes sense. Perhaps she could ask permission from the sick girl to tell the RA? Also, does the sick girl have any friends besides your daughter? this could also be a source of support. Also, is there any way a friend of your daughters from high school could visit her over the weekend? Maybe you could pay for a trip?

[Anonymous]

Roommate's not going to get better unless something changes. Your DD needs to understand that. She is actually not helping her, she maybe hurting her roommate with her good intention. Is school nearby?

[Anonymous]

I don't know how the situation can be resolved without bringing the roommate's parents in the loop. I mean, if she is on their insurance, they will eventually get the EOB/bill with the hospitalization charges, won't they?

The dynamic between your DD and her roommate looks like co-dependency and is very unhealthy. Tell your daughter to visit every other day or even less frequently, and use the time thus freed up for schoolwork, counseling and social life, so she can meet and befriend other people. She can join a club or, if she identifies with a religion, go to a place of worship. But her first stop should be the counseling center.

[Anonymous]

Is there any way that you can phrase it to your daughter that bringing in the RA and the college counseling will be a way to help build a support network for both her and her roommate?

I went through depression in college and remember how confusing it was to navigate the resources available (which honestly weren't very useful anyway and I ended up with outside help that was much better). Having a support system in place is critical to being able to get back on track and to get better so you need to try to get your daughter to understand that helping her roommate means helping her to build a support system without trying to make herself that entire system. It's just too much for anyone to take on and even with the best intentions it's not healthy for either of them for your daughter to try to fill that role.

I don't know if it will help, but in your place I might also reach out to the head of residential life (dean?) and outline the situation and see if they have any other suggestions than telling your daughter that she needs to reach out when she feels that doing so would be betraying her roommate.

[Anonymous]

You need to find the words to help your daughter understand that this not her burden to carry. This crisis needs to be resolved between the student, her parents and mental health professionals. I completely understand your worry about your daughter.

Maybe this thread will help you

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1910895-friend-is-having-serious-mental-issues-and-im-not-sure-i-can-handle-it-p1.html

[Anonymous]

I thought colleges did get parents involved for situations like this - suicidal and being hospitalized for over a week is a big deal. My DCs college notified us (as did DC) when DC was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning (which turned out to be other digestive issues). DC was over 21 so it wasn't because of violating alcohol laws.

[Anonymous]

Wow- OP I had something very similar happen to me my freshman year. A friend of mine went home on Columbus Day weekend and accidentally struck and killed a pedestrian with her car.

There was a lot of publicity and her parents made her return to campus, but of course she was a total wreck. I was called on to spend nights with her, help her find assignments for classes she missed, convince her not to kill herself and other stuff before she finally left the school for good. I just wish someone had told me that I could have set limits, that I could have said no when it got to be too much, that I would not be a terrible person for doing so...

I'm not sure what you as a parent can do here, except really insist that she see a counselor who can help her find and be ok with her limits.

[Anonymous]

Focus on how best to help the roommate - she needs professional help, not just friends, and she needs a whole network, not just your DD. (If she were physically ill, DD would visit her, but would not be expected to carry the burden of curing her, right? Same here.)

[Anonymous]

You should be very proud of your caring, giving daughter, but I think this is outrageous! For the college to put her -- another brand-new freshman -- in this position! I would absolutely start making some calls, including to the Dean, President, General Counsel if necessary. Someone in our extended family had a slightly similar experience freshman year -- the school should have stepped in and dealt with the roommate and his issues, instead of leaving those issues to spread among other freshman nearby. The kid ended up leaving after one semester but caused lasting harmful impact among those left behind.

Any chance you met the parents at move-in and got their contact info? If it were my child in such trouble, I would want to know. And it's no privacy violation for you to pass along the heads up; you're under no obligation to keep this confidential. (Yes, your child might not be happy at first, but you're the parent.) Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe the child is hospitalized and the parents don't know..

[Anonymous]

I'm an adult, a professional, a parent, etc., and sometimes when I get overwhelmed, I need someone else to figure out the most basic things for me. In her case, that might be exactly who to contact and what to tell them. Can you talk her through how to contact her RA (when is the RA typically around? Can she call the RA? What should she tell the RA?), or maybe how to call the counseling center (give her the phone number, tell her who you talked to, etc.).

Make a very specific plan with her: when you are walking back from your afternoon class today, call this phone number to reach the counseling center, tell them XYZ.

I know it sounds infantilizing and helicoptering, but sometimes we all need someone else to step in and manage the tasks that seem simple when we're overwhelmed, especially when overwhelmed with emotional labor.

[Anonymous]

Was this someone she knew before college or someone she has known for six weeks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an adult, a professional, a parent, etc., and sometimes when I get overwhelmed, I need someone else to figure out the most basic things for me. In her case, that might be exactly who to contact and what to tell them. Can you talk her through how to contact her RA (when is the RA typically around? Can she call the RA? What should she tell the RA?), or maybe how to call the counseling center (give her the phone number, tell her who you talked to, etc.).

Make a very specific plan with her: when you are walking back from your afternoon class today, call this phone number to reach the counseling center, tell them XYZ.

I know it sounds infantilizing and helicoptering, but sometimes we all need someone else to step in and manage the tasks that seem simple when we're overwhelmed, especially when overwhelmed with emotional labor.

Agree.

DD needs help navigating this by outsourcing support for her roommate. I'd hate for DD to suffer the consequences of daily visits and resultant turmoil. Mom, you might need to call the student counseling center if for nothing else but resources for DD.

At some point in near future, roommates parents need to be involved and notififed.