Parents of college students - what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and/or you daughter have one more resource for support: the hospital. Psych units routinely involve the patient's support system, and they also try to do careful transition and discharge planning. Your daughter can ask to talk to a staff member on one of her visits if she is confident enough to do so.

Alternatively, you could phone. Ask your daughter for the name of the right staff member to contact. That person almost certainly will not share any treatment or planning information with you; she or he may not even acknowledge that roommate is a patient. But the staff member can listen to your concerns, and in that one-sided conversation, you can ask for their help in addressing them.

This is terrible advice. Your daughter should NOT be involved in anything to do with her roommates transition planning or discharge. The hospital might like to pass the buck because they know they like to find another person to help with transitioning a patient out. This usually is a family member. You should fly ther OP, pay for your DD to fly home this weekend for a break (then she has an excuse to give the roommate), or fly her to visit a friend in a different city.

[Anonymous]

need to find a way to cut off contact...without causing harm to your own child, of course. this is not her problem. Frankly, this college's actions (or inactions) put it on a no-fly-zone for me (whether they have been following the letter of the law or not) because of how they are (not) understanding your daughter's position. Can you tell us which university this is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and/or you daughter have one more resource for support: the hospital. Psych units routinely involve the patient's support system, and they also try to do careful transition and discharge planning. Your daughter can ask to talk to a staff member on one of her visits if she is confident enough to do so.

Alternatively, you could phone. Ask your daughter for the name of the right staff member to contact. That person almost certainly will not share any treatment or planning information with you; she or he may not even acknowledge that roommate is a patient. But the staff member can listen to your concerns, and in that one-sided conversation, you can ask for their help in addressing them.

This is terrible advice. Your daughter should NOT be involved in anything to do with her roommates transition planning or discharge. The hospital might like to pass the buck because they know they like to find another person to help with transitioning a patient out. This usually is a family member. You should fly ther OP, pay for your DD to fly home this weekend for a break (then she has an excuse to give the roommate), or fly her to visit a friend in a different city.

You misunderstand. I suggested this not so the hospital could rely on OP's DD in discharge planning, but so the staff would be aware of the extent to which DD has already been inappropriately involved and make better arrangements for roommate that don't depend on DD. The psych staff might even explicitly talk with roommate about maintaining appropriate boundaries and developing a more appropriate support system (such as parents or college staff).

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the responses, everyone. I'm still confused as to how best to proceed. What I am really wanting is a responsible adult to step in -- parent/college admin -- and take this responsibility away from DD. She's been in for almost two weeks now. DD has been visiting her almost every day. For me to tell her not to is falling on deaf ears because this is her friend who has no one else to turn to.

I explained the situation to the Dean of Students. Basically he says my daughter has to the school if she wants support But it is not support that she needs as much as she just needs someone else to help this girl. For whatever reason, legal liability/privacy, school will do nothing.

I also have no idea what happens when an at-risk student returns to campus. It seems like an awful burden to place on roommates. But I am also guessing that colleges can't kick students out because of serious mental illness.

DD does not want to betray her friend by switching roommates. She refuses.

I get what people are saying that my DD is making these choices herself and that it is up to her to choose otherwise. But honestly, I think she has been forced into a situation that is really difficult to walk away from when no one at the school is offering any assistance or support while roommate is in hospital. It remains to be seen what, if anything, they will do when she is discharged. My guess is they will be passive and only respond if roommate asks for help.

BTW, if anyone is reading this who is currently looking at colleges, I STRONGLY urge you to check out mental health services and learn their policies. This situation with the roommate has made for a pretty awful freshman year. Maybe all schools respond the same way....but either way, it's worth knowing how they handle hypotheticals before you have to deal with them in real life.

00:10, I don't want to name the college -- but I will say it is a well-respected medium-sized school in Boston.

[Anonymous]

OP again - PP, I am thinking that maybe I should contact the hospital and tell them what I know of the situation. I would rather do it myself than put another burden on my daughter. Not even sure if they would take my call, but I guess it couldn't hurt.

[Anonymous]

Something like this happened to me, many years ago. I told my friend that she needed to tell her parents about her suicide attempt, and that if she didn't then I would. She told them and then they stepped in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - PP, I am thinking that maybe I should contact the hospital and tell them what I know of the situation. I would rather do it myself than put another burden on my daughter. Not even sure if they would take my call, but I guess it couldn't hurt.

They will not give you any information unless the patient gives them permission

[Anonymous]

Yeah, but I think OP means she is going to give the hospital info, not the other way around.

And, thank you OP for telling those of us in college search to check out mental health policies. Wonder whether this kind of situation was even spelled out at your D's school though?

I really feel for you and your daughter. Since your calls to Dean are getting nowhere, perhaps try something very sharply-worded and in writing, copied to the General Counsel's office, the Board of Trustees, and anyone else you think might need to be made aware.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PP. Interestingly there are no written policies that I can find. I looked all over the website. Nothing. We were never given anything on paper, either, as they have pretty much gone paper-free. I am really curious is that is the norm at most colleges.

15:41 - PP is correct. I am just thinking about telling the hospital what I know (no parent involvement, no school support, just roommate is involved). I certainly would not expect they would share any information with me.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain OP. My DC had a horrible experience with his freshman roommate. The only way we were able to get the school to help my DC navigate a very difficult situation was when it got so bad it began to affect my DC's mental health. Then the school helped, but it took a trip to health services, and a very caring and observant nurse, to really make the school pay attention to how the roommate's issues were affecting my DC. I feel terrible saying it but when you talk to the school you need to emphasize the toll the situation is having on your own DC's mental health. This situation is way more than an 18 year old can handle. You want to make sure your DC gets out of this situation. It is not their responsibility to handle the roommates's issues. I do not mean to sound callous about the roommate, mental health issues in college are very serious, but you do not want your DC to be overwhelmed by the roommate's issues. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are focusing a lot on this roommate but the bottom line is, the roommate is in the hospital surrounded by the supportive adults who are treating her. She is where she needs to be and she is getting the help that she needs. There is no reason for the university to step in at this point.

Your daughter is the one who you need to be concerned about. She is the one who is insisting on making these daily visits. She is the one who spend a good part of her day getting to/from the hospital and visiting this friend. Is she also attending class? How are her grades? Does she know anyone at the school besides this roommate? How will she feel if her roommate does not return to the school?

Many posters have suggested that you visit your daughter ASAP. I agree.

[Anonymous]

PP, I think you have misunderstood my concerns. I am not trying to help the roommate. It is my DD I am worried about. And yes, I mentioned in a previous post that I will be flying up in six days to visit. In the meantime, I was trying to get some ideas from people who might have experienced a similar situation to see what kind of support I can realistically expect from the school.

17:28 - I agree and thanks for sharing your experience. I plan to arrange meetings at the school with my daughter when I visit next week. Good to keep this in mind.

[Anonymous]

Does your DD know any students at this college from her high school or hometown that could intervene in your absence? Frankly, I would get there ASAP and not on a weekend when faculty, deans etc will not be available. You, and your DD need a face-to-face meeting with someone in authority. These colleges "pretend" that they offer a caring environment -- anything to get you to enroll your child. Best of luck to you both. Please give us an update.

[Anonymous]

It sounds as though the Op's daughter wants to visit this girl in the hospital and she wants to remain roommates with the girl. The one that is concerned (and rightfully so) is Op.

I don't know that the university can intervene on the Op's behalf which is why Op needs to visit her daughter - the sooner the better.

[Anonymous]

I would go visit your daughter ASAP to see how she is doing in person.