I don't want to go on vacation with my husband

[Anonymous]

I am your DH. Not exactly but I know my wife would write this. Whether it's fair or not, she withdrew sexually from me, vacations became awkward, she would avoid times where sex would naturally follow and we are in a really bad spot now. I stopped initiating and I also stopped vacation planning because like you said, what's the point of going on vacation with your spouse if you aren't going to reconnect?

We may be too far gone, remains to be seen. I want out but we have a family so I focus on my obligations to my children to make a real effort.

I highly advise you rip the band-aid off, tell your DH how you feel and get going on trying to repair the relationship before the resentment grows too far, one of your cheats, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The biggest issue jumping out from your post is that you don't want to go on vacation with your husband, for many reasons, and the thought of having alone time and sex with him gives you anxiety. That is a massive red flag. Not sure if you realize how that sounds, but to me I can't see your marriage lasting much longer.

He is totally in the wrong on not planning the vacation, and you need to discuss this. But you bedroom was dead before this.

I would tell him all of this, the anxiety, the fear of being intimate. You might as well unpack it. Hopefully you will be able to offer solutions as to what you need to feel loved and valued in the marriage and he can do the same.

I doubt the bedroom was dead to a fully engaged, loving man who planned vacations.

It has been 15 years and he has NEVER planned a vacation. I can't even imagine how many other things he does not do.

OP, Can your husband order Chinese carryout or do you have to do that too?[/quote]

Not OP, but this nails it. Can I tell you about the time my in-laws were passing through sort of unexpectedly and I told my husband that I was sorry but I would be home late and to do whatever he wanted for dinner and I'd join or get my own - and I was REALLY SORRY. And then I came home at 7:30pm to everyone sitting on the couch (including a 9 and 5 year old) and my husband literally asked, "What did you want to do for dinner?" and the only thing that allowed me to hold it together was my MIL's look of complete understanding in that moment.

My marriage has been dead for years. I haven't been married to a partner, much less a man, since day one. I wish I would have come to that realization a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't your husband sit down with you as you're on the computer booking a trip so he knows how to plan a future trip, so he can see all the details and logistics involved, and see all (or limiting) options

Teach a man to fish....and all that

For now, is there a compromise - can you just do a long 3day weekend trip within a 2-hr drive or something. You won't be gone long, kid will survive grandma's, and the 2 of you can escape/reset/clear the air, open-up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your sex life going. He has said he needs to reconnect with you. Men don't feel connected without sex. Someone has to make the first move. Sounds like your marriage is teetering on disaster. What about sex before you leave to take the awkwardness away?

I agree your husband sounds unthoughtful, he should be a man and take initaitive

Here is someone who gets it, thank you for posting this. As a man, I can see where he's coming from and if your dead sex life and constant rebuking of his advances has him trying to find a way to reignite that spark. He should take more initiative, but I can tell you his motivation factor feels low because it seems like you've checked out physically and now emotionally.

You have two option, try to reconnect somehow and see if you're still in this marriage- or get out and let him find someone who would love to go on trips with him.

Fixed the ending....

You have two option, try to reconnect somehow and see if you're still in this marriage- or get out and find someone who is not a child, who can plan a trip for your anniversary and you would love to go on trips with.

Except it's wrong. He should have taken more initiative...sure. But being in a sexless marriage with no connection to his wife, where is the motivation? She's checked out, stop stringing the poor guy along and let him go be with someone who wants to be with him.

What do you mean by stringing him along? Is he not in the marriage? He has just as much responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ExH was like this. It was like I was his mother, having to do everything for him, he couldn't do anything for himself. He relied on me 100% for everything except for his going to work (usually)

Within the past year, he needed me to help him plan his vacation with his girlfriend, because, "You always did all this stuff for me, I don't know how to do it". We are still friends, so it's not as weird as it sounds, and his girlfriend was very appreciative of the help, but still. Men like that don't change. They've been enabled too long. You better do a 180 and change the dynamics, or accept having a "partner" who doesn't pull their own weight in your relationship.

Haha, this sounds like my soon to be ex. I am literally pulling cash together from multiple accounts so he can make an offer for a house he is moving into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't your husband sit down with you as you're on the computer booking a trip so he knows how to plan a future trip, so he can see all the details and logistics involved, and see all (or limiting) options

Teach a man to fish....and all that

For now, is there a compromise - can you just do a long 3day weekend trip within a 2-hr drive or something. You won't be gone long, kid will survive grandma's, and the 2 of you can escape/reset/clear the air, open-up.

Not the OP, but my soon-to-be ex had zero motivation to do it, and took all my efforts for granted. Now we are separating, he is much more appreciative of my help and does not sulk when I say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your sex life going. He has said he needs to reconnect with you. Men don't feel connected without sex. Someone has to make the first move. Sounds like your marriage is teetering on disaster. What about sex before you leave to take the awkwardness away?

I agree your husband sounds unthoughtful, he should be a man and take initaitive

Here is someone who gets it, thank you for posting this. As a man, I can see where he's coming from and if your dead sex life and constant rebuking of his advances has him trying to find a way to reignite that spark[b]. He should take more initiative, but I can tell you his motivation factor feels low because it seems like you've checked out physically and now emotionally.

You have two option, try to reconnect somehow and see if you're still in this marriage- or get out and let him find someone who would love to go on trips with him.

OP here. He does not make advances so there are none to rebuke. He's not particularly high drive, so it's not like he's been begging me for it and I've declined. It has just slipped by the wayside. There are other aspects to him that have decreased my desire for him on the physical and mental side. We did do some counseling last year but had to stop when DH had a medical issue. Neither of us really believe in divorce except in the case of adultery/abuse/addiction and I'm sure the grass isn't always greener. He knows he has a good partner in me and is too protective over our collective accounts to part with any of it over a divorce.

I have told him that all I want from him is to show some thoughtfulness. He has never planned a date although I've told him it would be lovely if he did. He just waits until it's the 9th hour and asks me to do it. Then it's a chore for me and not something to look forward to. Romance is not really in his vocabulary. He likes to be shown that I'm thinking about him/doing nice things for him but it doesn't really occur to him to reciprocate. There's always been a twinge of this, but it has gotten worse. Once he had me he pretty much stopped trying.

We do have fun together when we're around other people in social situations.

Sometimes a reliable guy who does everything in the day to day is not the super fun exciting guy with a ton of ideas. Rarely you can have both, but it sounds like you are mature and can handle this.

Since you do everything you should switch the vacation to one you can enjoy. It sounds like your dynamic is that if you are happy and pleased he will follow along without a thought in his head, so change your focus from pleasing him to pleasing you.

This may also work to revive the bedroom. Get yourself in a sexy frame of mind and take him along for the ride. I think he has shown that at least he is mature enough not to divorce or cheat — and let’s be honest, he probably couldn’t figure out how to do that himself either! — so you can take his preferences off your mental load and just live the life that is best for you. He might be inspired when you activate yourself… at least that’s what has happened in our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your sex life going. He has said he needs to reconnect with you. Men don't feel connected without sex. Someone has to make the first move. Sounds like your marriage is teetering on disaster. What about sex before you leave to take the awkwardness away?

I agree your husband sounds unthoughtful, he should be a man and take initaitive

Here is someone who gets it, thank you for posting this. As a man, I can see where he's coming from and if your dead sex life and constant rebuking of his advances has him trying to find a way to reignite that spark[b]. He should take more initiative, but I can tell you his motivation factor feels low because it seems like you've checked out physically and now emotionally.

You have two option, try to reconnect somehow and see if you're still in this marriage- or get out and let him find someone who would love to go on trips with him.

OP here. He does not make advances so there are none to rebuke. He's not particularly high drive, so it's not like he's been begging me for it and I've declined. It has just slipped by the wayside. There are other aspects to him that have decreased my desire for him on the physical and mental side. We did do some counseling last year but had to stop when DH had a medical issue. Neither of us really believe in divorce except in the case of adultery/abuse/addiction and I'm sure the grass isn't always greener. He knows he has a good partner in me and is too protective over our collective accounts to part with any of it over a divorce.

I have told him that all I want from him is to show some thoughtfulness. He has never planned a date although I've told him it would be lovely if he did. He just waits until it's the 9th hour and asks me to do it. Then it's a chore for me and not something to look forward to. Romance is not really in his vocabulary. He likes to be shown that I'm thinking about him/doing nice things for him but it doesn't really occur to him to reciprocate. There's always been a twinge of this, but it has gotten worse. Once he had me he pretty much stopped trying.

We do have fun together when we're around other people in social situations.

Sometimes a reliable guy who does everything in the day to day is not the super fun exciting guy with a ton of ideas. Rarely you can have both, but it sounds like you are mature and can handle this.

Since you do everything you should switch the vacation to one you can enjoy. It sounds like your dynamic is that if you are happy and pleased he will follow along without a thought in his head, so change your focus from pleasing him to pleasing you.

This may also work to revive the bedroom. Get yourself in a sexy frame of mind and take him along for the ride. I think he has shown that at least he is mature enough not to divorce or cheat — and let’s be honest, he probably couldn’t figure out how to do that himself either! — so you can take his preferences off your mental load and just live the life that is best for you. He might be inspired when you activate yourself… at least that’s what has happened in our house.

This is good advice. The double guessing kills all the fun.

[Anonymous]

My DH melted down when I asked him to plan our anniversary dinner. Pick a place, make a reservation, book a sitter. He looked like was going to cry. I do not understand how a 43 year old man gets to this point. I mean I do, I’ve been here, but it is unreal to me.

They really are like children. I think I was like a lot of women and I thought when we had an actual child, he would naturally mature. That’s what I did. I had several immature habits and when we had a kid I slowly shaped up because I wanted to create a good environment for our child and because I felt the pressure of responsibility and wanted to rise to the occasion.

My DH just whined and complained. I just can’t describe how unattractive it is. He just wants to do the bare minimum for everything — parenting, our home, his job, our relationship, our social life. If I want anything more than just meegerly scraping by I have to do it myself. I have found myself fantasizing about being a single mom lately. I’m more ambitious and harder working than he is. I think I could have a pretty nice life on my own. But I want to make our family work for our kid— I think she’s better off with an intact family and a father who is present every day, especially since we don’t fight. But yes, I feel like this man holds me back from a better, bigger life. He is just so, so lazy, and borderline incompetent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, try to get some counseling in before you go and set of things to work om, together, while you are on vacation.

My husband is the same type of "check the box" person in his non-work life. Never connects the dots, never truly present, goes through the motions and then thinks he's doing it all. Same with all my presents - bday, anniversary, xmas. I get a present months later after he asks me exactly what i want or we shoppin together.

In reality I want a spouse who is a partner in life, can talk, can offer support, can plan things himself, does more than the superficial movements.

It'd be just like him to book a couples vacation in order to reconnect and the have zilch to say at breakfast, lunch and dinner and then resort to reading his iPhone. Sigh.

+1 million. Mines diagnosed aspergers. I avoid traveling with him only; he’d just work, I’d be alone or handling the kids/everything so I need to gear up. Just like every week…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can't plan a vacation? That is pretty sad in my opinion.

Yeah. He agreed to do it, then dumped it on you. I never would have planned that Bs trip. I would have planned a trip with my friends or sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The biggest issue jumping out from your post is that you don't want to go on vacation with your husband, for many reasons, and the thought of having alone time and sex with him gives you anxiety. That is a massive red flag. Not sure if you realize how that sounds, but to me I can't see your marriage lasting much longer.

He is totally in the wrong on not planning the vacation, and you need to discuss this. But you bedroom was dead before this.

I would tell him all of this, the anxiety, the fear of being intimate. You might as well unpack it. Hopefully you will be able to offer solutions as to what you need to feel loved and valued in the marriage and he can do the same.

He has neglected her, and probably the kids, for years now. And thinks that’s all normal and fine!

He can’t and won’t even plan a trip and it was his idea and he said he would.

Yes the marriage is dead. But he’d also be a equally defective coparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your sex life going. He has said he needs to reconnect with you. Men don't feel connected without sex. Someone has to make the first move. Sounds like your marriage is teetering on disaster. What about sex before you leave to take the awkwardness away?

I agree your husband sounds unthoughtful, he should be a man and take initaitive

Here is someone who gets it, thank you for posting this. As a man, I can see where he's coming from and if your dead sex life and constant rebuking of his advances has him trying to find a way to reignite that spark[b]. He should take more initiative, but I can tell you his motivation factor feels low because it seems like you've checked out physically and now emotionally.

You have two option, try to reconnect somehow and see if you're still in this marriage- or get out and let him find someone who would love to go on trips with him.

OP here. He does not make advances so there are none to rebuke. He's not particularly high drive, so it's not like he's been begging me for it and I've declined. It has just slipped by the wayside. There are other aspects to him that have decreased my desire for him on the physical and mental side. We did do some counseling last year but had to stop when DH had a medical issue. Neither of us really believe in divorce except in the case of adultery/abuse/addiction and I'm sure the grass isn't always greener. He knows he has a good partner in me and is too protective over our collective accounts to part with any of it over a divorce.

I have told him that all I want from him is to show some thoughtfulness. He has never planned a date although I've told him it would be lovely if he did. He just waits until it's the 9th hour and asks me to do it. Then it's a chore for me and not something to look forward to. Romance is not really in his vocabulary. He likes to be shown that I'm thinking about him/doing nice things for him but it doesn't really occur to him to reciprocate. There's always been a twinge of this, but it has gotten worse. Once he had me he pretty much stopped trying.

We do have fun together when we're around other people in social situations.

How insulting that he pretends to be thoughtful and engaged “around other people” but not his own spouse or home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Honey, I love you and am excited to finally get away with you for some alone time. I feel like we've been in a rut, and I know this is a hard conversation to have, but I want to take ten minutes and discuss 'us' before we go. No blaming and no defensiveness, just honesty. Hopefully this way we can put some awkwardness and resentments to rest so we can truly enjoy each other."

This guy does seem mature enough or verbal communication skills enough to listen and respond to the above.

[Anonymous]

This thread is five years old folks!!!