My husband isn't doing his to-do list

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me about it.
My husband does precisely nothing around the house unless we are having guests over for a social function. He does mow the lawn and do a little yard work, but that's it. He has a garage filled with expensive tools but I've learned to change furnace filters, fix leaky faucets, rewire lamps, replace commode works...in addition to all meal prep, dishwashing, bill paying, etc.
I feel like I have a tenant, not a husband.

Poor you! You're such a victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, same situation here.
DH has untreated ADHD, and is forever procrastinating and late, especially for tasks he's not enthused about.
My goal is to get him treated for his ADHD.

News flash, dear: procrastinating on tasks he's not enthused about has nothing to do with ADHD.

This thread is just another reason to never get married.

Yes, this thread teaches that "your bitch of a wife will assign you endless tasks, will never shut up about it, and will never be satisfied" which is enough to make any man stay single.

[Anonymous]

My DH is not a list kind of guy. On a Saturday morning, I say "I need you to fertilizer the yard today". He agrees and does it. This is totally not how I operate. I prefer a list earlier in the week and schedule my time accordingly. It took me a long time to understand his manly ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your husband your BIL is coming over the weekend he is out of town to help out with the to-do list. See what your husband says. Maybe that will be the kick in the pants he needs to do it. If not, your BIL will do it. I wouldn't treat your DH like he is five like a PP said. He's an adult and should act like one. Either do the list or find someone else to do it (e.g., handyman, BIL).

+1

I hired people to do the stuff until finances said "no". DH agreed that if I put a list on the fridge he would work on it. Well, it's the same thing here. Nothing has been done.

[Anonymous]

I'm not seeing a lot of suggestions for how to get a spouse to help with household maintenance when hiring out is not an option. I've tried it all: nagging, lists, asking them when they might like to do it, asking if we should hire out, etc.

Either it doesn't get done, gets done half-assed, or I do it. And my standards are low. Our house looks like shit. Forget about edging the yard when I'm happy to see it mowed once a month.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just talk to your husband and explain to him why you really want him to do a specific task in the next few days. The, move onto something else. Maybe a long list of looming chores is something you enjoy making but he hates. Have a conversation. And shove your list.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your list


is not his list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, same situation here.
DH has untreated ADHD, and is forever procrastinating and late, especially for tasks he's not enthused about.
My goal is to get him treated for his ADHD.

News flash, dear: procrastinating on tasks he's not enthused about has nothing to do with ADHD.

This thread is just another reason to never get married.

Yes, this thread teaches that "your bitch of a wife will assign you endless tasks, will never shut up about it, and will never be satisfied" which is enough to make any man stay single.

Adulting is hard.

Life requires doing. Take responsibility and join in planning and get things done together, even if that means hiring out. This should not fall on one person if you are in a marriage or long term partnership.

[Anonymous]

Op ~ you are not the boss. You are not the boss of him. Thinking something needs to be done doesn't make it so. Forget plans, agreements, calendars, if he's not doing it it's not something he thinks is so important. Talking means nothing, doing (or not doing it) is what's important. We always have time for the things we put first. You can't change that. Doing it because you think it's important shouldn't be expected - it's not a declaration of his love. Hire out. Don't bring BIL into this.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely take up your BIL up on this offer.

Who cares what DH thinks at this point??
It doesn't sound to me like he has prioritized any of his stuff so that is HIS bad.

You snooze.....You definitely lose. Zzzzz......

[Anonymous]

OP here. We made the list together. Living without a working oven for months is pretty annoying, for all of us. We don't normally do the list thing. You are right about the Labor Day deadline. I will wait with my mouth shut until then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I made a list at the beginning of the summer for things each of us would do for the house. His is more minor repairs while mine is more major reorganization. We agreed to be finished by Labor Day. I am 2/3 finished. DH hasn't started.

Today my sister and her husband were over and BIL saw the list on the counter. My list is on one side and DH's is on the other. Mine has check marks all over and DH's is unmarked. BIL said he'd be happy to come over and tackle the list if we need help. I really want to take him up on this. They can bring their kids and my sis and I can hang out and BIL can knock some things off the list. DH is going out of town for work for a few days next week - can I do this? BIL and DH get along fine.

I'd just really like our oven to work, to get the dust bunnies out of the light fixtures, to get the new shelving hung, stuff like that. Will this emasculate DH or something if I take BIL up on his offer?

Your husband is struggling to get to it and BIL is willing and happy to do it. I think it would be great to have BIL do it. If my husband helped one of my tasks get done, I would be happy no matter who did it. As long as BIL isn't going to be a jerk about it, and is sincerely happy to help out because he doesn't mind. When your husband comes home from his trip, say, "I knew you were busy so I got some help with these tasks. Surprise! It's done. You can cross them off your list now." Who wouldn't be relieved? The caveat is that you are not allowed to talk badly about him to your BIL and sister, and you aren't allowed to use it against him in the future. This is dealbreaker caveat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We made the list together. Living without a working oven for months is pretty annoying, for all of us. We don't normally do the list thing. You are right about the Labor Day deadline. I will wait with my mouth shut until then.

Who fixes their own oven? Call a professional. You sound cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, this thread teaches that "your bitch of a wife will assign you endless tasks, will never shut up about it, and will never be satisfied" which is enough to make any man stay single.

Exactly! Ask me how many "honey do" lists I have...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your husband your BIL is coming over the weekend he is out of town to help out with the to-do list. See what your husband says. Maybe that will be the kick in the pants he needs to do it. If not, your BIL will do it. I wouldn't treat your DH like he is five like a PP said. He's an adult and should act like one. Either do the list or find someone else to do it (e.g., handyman, BIL).

no offense, but this is typical advice from a woman.

it will emasculate your husband - but if you want him to be an exH, then go for it. if you want to have a good marriage, have a conversation about what's going on. sounds like there could be resentment or other things that are bothering him but he hasn't opened up to you about it. be prepared that he may have his own list of complaints towards you that you are wholly blind to - these things go both ways in real life.