My husband isn't doing his to-do list

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, are these items that are really important or just things that you want done/care about?

Some people don't need for a house to be pristine. They don't mind a little dust. It simply isn't important to them. My guess is that your to-do list (including the major reorganization items that you've tasked yourself with) are all things he doesn't really care about.

So your trick was coming up with a list of stuff that matters to you and dividing it in half and then saying that you've tasked yourself with huge things, so it's only fair.

His perspective is that he doesn't care about any of the items on the list. He'd be fine if you didn't do any of your items either. So he feels bamboozled and tricked and guilted into stuff.

And then if/when you have BIL do the stuff, your DH will also feel like you're complaining about him behind his back (and in a situation where he doesn't have an opportunity to defend himself or tell his side).

It all seems passive-aggressive and nasty to me.

With my DH, we are clear about what stuff is stuff that needs to be done (i.e., the kind of stuff you can't let go or it will cause more major repairs or possibly dangerous situations) versus what stuff is stuff we'd each like to complete.

Then we sort out TOGETHER a timeline of when we'd like it done and who is going to take care of what items.

My husband doesn't tell me to do stuff that is cosmetic that I don't really care about. And I don't tell him to do stuff that is cosmetic that he doesn't really care about. But we both will ASK each other for help or to do something we'd like to get done and we phrase it as "I know this isn't your priority, but ..."

Tell me - which of these items are optional?

Buying food and cooking it
Washing clothes
Paying bills
Driving young kids to activities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, are these items that are really important or just things that you want done/care about?

Some people don't need for a house to be pristine. They don't mind a little dust. It simply isn't important to them. My guess is that your to-do list (including the major reorganization items that you've tasked yourself with) are all things he doesn't really care about.

So your trick was coming up with a list of stuff that matters to you and dividing it in half and then saying that you've tasked yourself with huge things, so it's only fair.

His perspective is that he doesn't care about any of the items on the list. He'd be fine if you didn't do any of your items either. So he feels bamboozled and tricked and guilted into stuff.

And then if/when you have BIL do the stuff, your DH will also feel like you're complaining about him behind his back (and in a situation where he doesn't have an opportunity to defend himself or tell his side).

It all seems passive-aggressive and nasty to me.

With my DH, we are clear about what stuff is stuff that needs to be done (i.e., the kind of stuff you can't let go or it will cause more major repairs or possibly dangerous situations) versus what stuff is stuff we'd each like to complete.

Then we sort out TOGETHER a timeline of when we'd like it done and who is going to take care of what items.

My husband doesn't tell me to do stuff that is cosmetic that I don't really care about. And I don't tell him to do stuff that is cosmetic that he doesn't really care about. But we both will ASK each other for help or to do something we'd like to get done and we phrase it as "I know this isn't your priority, but ..."

Tell me - which of these items are optional?

Buying food and cooking it
Washing clothes
Paying bills
Driving young kids to activities

Are these the items on OP's to-do list? I doubt it, since they only needed to be done by labor day. Don't introduce an idiotic straw man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are these items on the to-do list, anyway?

OP here. He's going to climb up and unscrew the light fixtures so I can clean out the dust bunnies (totally visible - my kids have thought they were cockroaches). He's going to fix the oven so more than just the front third of it cooks food. Move a huge chair from one room to another (I did this one with a friend on Monday night). Bring down all the things I tagged in the attic to be donated (he's been saying since last summer he wants to get it more organized and then use half as an office). Re-do a kid's closet so she has shelving and a rod she can reach without a stepstool. Buy a new TV because our 16 yr old one is only showing in black and white. I already measured for size and it's just on him to go get one.

And I think I said this before, but I was NOT complaining about DH - our list was on the kitchen counter and BIL was hanging out and saw it.

[Anonymous]

I think it goes without saying that you should stop doing anything to make his life easier pronto. Laundry, appointments, medicine, whatever. Tell him he can spend his golf money on paying people to do his chores or he can do it himself, but you're not doing it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are these items on the to-do list, anyway?

OP here. He's going to climb up and unscrew the light fixtures so I can clean out the dust bunnies (totally visible - my kids have thought they were cockroaches). He's going to fix the oven so more than just the front third of it cooks food. Move a huge chair from one room to another (I did this one with a friend on Monday night). Bring down all the things I tagged in the attic to be donated (he's been saying since last summer he wants to get it more organized and then use half as an office). Re-do a kid's closet so she has shelving and a rod she can reach without a stepstool. Buy a new TV because our 16 yr old one is only showing in black and white. I already measured for size and it's just on him to go get one.

And I think I said this before, but I was NOT complaining about DH - our list was on the kitchen counter and BIL was hanging out and saw it.

Your list is reasonable, your frustration is too, the solution is likely within reach but only you can determine what that 'might' be.

And only you know whether you could mention the BIL and ask your husband, would it make you feel better if I get BIL to do what he volunteered to do?

If you're hung up on your husband not doing what he committed to do or he is feeling that he agreed because he felt he had too....y'all know the impasse you face and surely you can get around that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say deadweight spouse, do you really mean spouse that won't follow your orders?

I mean spouse who is a sloppy pig with bad habits, habitually disrespecting himself and everyone else. Two steps fw, one step back.

And no, I don't tell adult-aged people what to do, how to do it, when to do it, etc. I sit back and let them prove themselves, time and time again. They make excuses, they wonder why they have such bad luck, they can't figure out why they keep losing things, they blame others for being late all the time, they blame their earplugs on sleeping in and missing an obligation, they blame their jobs for forgetting to pack what they need for a trip, they can't figure out why their kids stopped going to them when they need something, they wonder how the generator/car/grill/HVAC broke when it wasn't maintained,.. so on and so forth....

Then I make my call about who I want to spend my life with. A deadweight or someone else.

wow.

Wow what? I can totally relate.

+1000.

So sick of the endless disappointment and resentment. For my DH, I don't ask anything anymore and I sure as hell don't give anything anymore. I've had to turn into a selfish, cold shrew just to survive the nonstop heartbreak that I married a useless, deadweight roommate and not a true life partner.

Ditto here. Another deadweight spouse that only ones us mouth to talk about things he needs. Meanwhile the main floor toilet is broken for days and days - oh, but he's taking care of it. Yeah. Just hope the nanny doesn't quit first.