Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position

[Anonymous]

I'm just wondering how you expected the cousin to lie to your mom, not tell her where they are for a week, etc.

Maybe because I'm in an estranged family situation myself, but I'm not going to lie to one family member because someone else asks me to.

Obviously she should have told you (like I do), "no, I can't keep my vacation a secret. I talk to Aunt Jenni a lot, and we share a lot of pictures, I'm just not comfortable lying about my whereabouts for a week and having the kids lie too. I'm sorry"

If they are FB friends and have kids that talk too, and hang out, it's really not likely without lying. I always ask in small talk "so are you going anywhere this summer?" Or "have you been to the beach", and from my perspective just wouldn't be able to lie like that.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you can't hang out with this group if it needs to be secret.
You have my empathy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just wondering how you expected the cousin to lie to your mom, not tell her where they are for a week, etc.

Maybe because I'm in an estranged family situation myself, but I'm not going to lie to one family member because someone else asks me to.

Obviously she should have told you (like I do), "no, I can't keep my vacation a secret. I talk to Aunt Jenni a lot, and we share a lot of pictures, I'm just not comfortable lying about my whereabouts for a week and having the kids lie too. I'm sorry"

If they are FB friends and have kids that talk too, and hang out, it's really not likely without lying. I always ask in small talk "so are you going anywhere this summer?" Or "have you been to the beach", and from my perspective just wouldn't be able to lie like that.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you can't hang out with this group if it needs to be secret.
You have my empathy!

Cousin could absolutely say "we're going to Larla Beach for a week" but did NOT have to divulge that the OP would be there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just wondering how you expected the cousin to lie to your mom, not tell her where they are for a week, etc.

Maybe because I'm in an estranged family situation myself, but I'm not going to lie to one family member because someone else asks me to.

Obviously she should have told you (like I do), "no, I can't keep my vacation a secret. I talk to Aunt Jenni a lot, and we share a lot of pictures, I'm just not comfortable lying about my whereabouts for a week and having the kids lie too. I'm sorry"

If they are FB friends and have kids that talk too, and hang out, it's really not likely without lying. I always ask in small talk "so are you going anywhere this summer?" Or "have you been to the beach", and from my perspective just wouldn't be able to lie like that.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you can't hang out with this group if it needs to be secret.
You have my empathy!

This is such bizarre response to me. OP has had to have her mom hauled off by police because of the threat she poses to OP's family, yet you think "lying" about OP's whereabouts is morally repugnant? I think protecting OP's family far outweighs the cousin's desire to share information with the dangerous mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just wondering how you expected the cousin to lie to your mom, not tell her where they are for a week, etc.

Maybe because I'm in an estranged family situation myself, but I'm not going to lie to one family member because someone else asks me to.

Obviously she should have told you (like I do), "no, I can't keep my vacation a secret. I talk to Aunt Jenni a lot, and we share a lot of pictures, I'm just not comfortable lying about my whereabouts for a week and having the kids lie too. I'm sorry"

If they are FB friends and have kids that talk too, and hang out, it's really not likely without lying. I always ask in small talk "so are you going anywhere this summer?" Or "have you been to the beach", and from my perspective just wouldn't be able to lie like that.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you can't hang out with this group if it needs to be secret.
You have my empathy!

This is such bizarre response to me. OP has had to have her mom hauled off by police because of the threat she poses to OP's family, yet you think "lying" about OP's whereabouts is morally repugnant? I think protecting OP's family far outweighs the cousin's desire to share information with the dangerous mom.

Unfortunately, this is just how many people behave who AREN'T the victims of the behavior of people like OPs mom. They treat it as OPs problem/fault since "well I don't have problems with Larla's Mom, Larla must be the instigator." The family members outside of the circle of abuse pressure the victim to "just let it go already" and make amends because, hey, that's what makes it easy for everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just wondering how you expected the cousin to lie to your mom, not tell her where they are for a week, etc.

Maybe because I'm in an estranged family situation myself, but I'm not going to lie to one family member because someone else asks me to.

Obviously she should have told you (like I do), "no, I can't keep my vacation a secret. I talk to Aunt Jenni a lot, and we share a lot of pictures, I'm just not comfortable lying about my whereabouts for a week and having the kids lie too. I'm sorry"

If they are FB friends and have kids that talk too, and hang out, it's really not likely without lying. I always ask in small talk "so are you going anywhere this summer?" Or "have you been to the beach", and from my perspective just wouldn't be able to lie like that.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you can't hang out with this group if it needs to be secret.
You have my empathy!

This is such bizarre response to me. OP has had to have her mom hauled off by police because of the threat she poses to OP's family, yet you think "lying" about OP's whereabouts is morally repugnant? I think protecting OP's family far outweighs the cousin's desire to share information with the dangerous mom.

That's not anything close to what I said.

OP says that her cousin doesn't believe her, and still talks to her mom.
Therefore, it was really a bad idea in the first place to think the cousin was going to keep a secret.

Stop looking for a fight. I specifically said I'm in a similar dynamic and had complete empathy for OP. My point was that going forward this cousin can't be trusted to keep a secret of where they are for a week. I'm in a similar situation and can't just lie to everyone about what I'm doing or where I'm going even though I'm asked, too. So I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just wondering how you expected the cousin to lie to your mom, not tell her where they are for a week, etc.

Maybe because I'm in an estranged family situation myself, but I'm not going to lie to one family member because someone else asks me to.

Obviously she should have told you (like I do), "no, I can't keep my vacation a secret. I talk to Aunt Jenni a lot, and we share a lot of pictures, I'm just not comfortable lying about my whereabouts for a week and having the kids lie too. I'm sorry"

If they are FB friends and have kids that talk too, and hang out, it's really not likely without lying. I always ask in small talk "so are you going anywhere this summer?" Or "have you been to the beach", and from my perspective just wouldn't be able to lie like that.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you can't hang out with this group if it needs to be secret.
You have my empathy!

This is such bizarre response to me. OP has had to have her mom hauled off by police because of the threat she poses to OP's family, yet you think "lying" about OP's whereabouts is morally repugnant? I think protecting OP's family far outweighs the cousin's desire to share information with the dangerous mom.

Unfortunately, this is just how many people behave who AREN'T the victims of the behavior of people like OPs mom. They treat it as OPs problem/fault since "well I don't have problems with Larla's Mom, Larla must be the instigator." The family members outside of the circle of abuse pressure the victim to "just let it go already" and make amends because, hey, that's what makes it easy for everyone else. [/quote
Exactly.
So you don't go on vacations with these people and expect it to be a secret, especially in the day of Facebook, Instagram, Snap Chat and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just wondering how you expected the cousin to lie to your mom, not tell her where they are for a week, etc.

Maybe because I'm in an estranged family situation myself, but I'm not going to lie to one family member because someone else asks me to.

Obviously she should have told you (like I do), "no, I can't keep my vacation a secret. I talk to Aunt Jenni a lot, and we share a lot of pictures, I'm just not comfortable lying about my whereabouts for a week and having the kids lie too. I'm sorry"

If they are FB friends and have kids that talk too, and hang out, it's really not likely without lying. I always ask in small talk "so are you going anywhere this summer?" Or "have you been to the beach", and from my perspective just wouldn't be able to lie like that.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you can't hang out with this group if it needs to be secret.
You have my empathy!

This is such bizarre response to me. OP has had to have her mom hauled off by police because of the threat she poses to OP's family, yet you think "lying" about OP's whereabouts is morally repugnant? I think protecting OP's family far outweighs the cousin's desire to share information with the dangerous mom.

Unfortunately, this is just how many people behave who AREN'T the victims of the behavior of people like OPs mom. They treat it as OPs problem/fault since "well I don't have problems with Larla's Mom, Larla must be the instigator." The family members outside of the circle of abuse pressure the victim to "just let it go already" and make amends because, hey, that's what makes it easy for everyone else.

Exactly. And that's why you can't go on vacation with these people, especially in the age of Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, and expect it to be a secret.
I'm glad you know BEFORE you went on the trip and your cousin started posting pictures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you explicitly and clearly told them the condition of your family joining was not telling your mom, then why aren't you clear with cousins that the consequence of giving your mom the information that you are not going and you aren't paying beyond the initial deposit. They can pay your portion or they can also forgo their deposits and find another place to go on the holiday. Bam. You have your sanity. The family deals with the natural consequences and you still have money for your needed vacation.

You can't make the other cousins pay for one cousin's mistake, but I would definitely try to get the cousin at fault to pay for her mistake. She probably won't.

Not OP, but given how she's described the cousin, I doubt it's worth the trouble.

Agree. There is 0 chance this cousin is going to pay for OPs share now that OP can't go. Since the cousin thinks OP is a liar and OPs mom isn't a problem, the cousin will just say OP is overreacting and if OP won't go on the vacation that's OPs choice/problem.

No she should pull out and not pay. Use the money to go somewhere else. Who cares what the cousin think. It's not like she will be going on vacation with them again. Plus it shows how serious she is about her mother. They will not do it again.

[Anonymous]

I don't care how crazy your mother is, she gave you life and you apparently can't forgive her for whatever she has supposedly done wrong. I think it's more painful for a mother to not be able to see her kids than for you to miss out on a vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just wondering how you expected the cousin to lie to your mom, not tell her where they are for a week, etc.

Maybe because I'm in an estranged family situation myself, but I'm not going to lie to one family member because someone else asks me to.

Obviously she should have told you (like I do), "no, I can't keep my vacation a secret. I talk to Aunt Jenni a lot, and we share a lot of pictures, I'm just not comfortable lying about my whereabouts for a week and having the kids lie too. I'm sorry"

If they are FB friends and have kids that talk too, and hang out, it's really not likely without lying. I always ask in small talk "so are you going anywhere this summer?" Or "have you been to the beach", and from my perspective just wouldn't be able to lie like that.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you can't hang out with this group if it needs to be secret.
You have my empathy!

^^ This is a perfect example of the cousin. She thinks that SHE should be the one to determine your relationship with your mother and enables her in the name of "its more convenient for me-- I wont lie for you! so there! " OP you have my sympathy -- there is always one member of the family who will pretend that your mother is not being unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Very very awkward situation. My MIL would do something like this -- show up and put on a puppy dog face and make herself the center of attention for the whole vacation. She was not dangerous (like OPs) but she was a manipulative PITA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just wondering how you expected the cousin to lie to your mom, not tell her where they are for a week, etc.

Maybe because I'm in an estranged family situation myself, but I'm not going to lie to one family member because someone else asks me to.

Obviously she should have told you (like I do), "no, I can't keep my vacation a secret. I talk to Aunt Jenni a lot, and we share a lot of pictures, I'm just not comfortable lying about my whereabouts for a week and having the kids lie too. I'm sorry"

If they are FB friends and have kids that talk too, and hang out, it's really not likely without lying. I always ask in small talk "so are you going anywhere this summer?" Or "have you been to the beach", and from my perspective just wouldn't be able to lie like that.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you can't hang out with this group if it needs to be secret.
You have my empathy!

^^ This is a perfect example of the cousin. She thinks that SHE should be the one to determine your relationship with your mother and enables her in the name of "its more convenient for me-- I wont lie for you! so there! " OP you have my sympathy -- there is always one member of the family who will pretend that your mother is not being unreasonable.

You really think it's reasonable to ask an entire group of people for their one and only summer vacation to not tell anyone and avoid posting any pictures, at all, anywhere?

It's not being mean, it's a horrible situation for OP, but one that was bound to fail. Word definitely would have gotten back somehow, I'm just glad OP found out before she got there and can make other plans.
A group vacation is not easy to hide!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just wondering how you expected the cousin to lie to your mom, not tell her where they are for a week, etc.

Maybe because I'm in an estranged family situation myself, but I'm not going to lie to one family member because someone else asks me to.

Obviously she should have told you (like I do), "no, I can't keep my vacation a secret. I talk to Aunt Jenni a lot, and we share a lot of pictures, I'm just not comfortable lying about my whereabouts for a week and having the kids lie too. I'm sorry"

If they are FB friends and have kids that talk too, and hang out, it's really not likely without lying. I always ask in small talk "so are you going anywhere this summer?" Or "have you been to the beach", and from my perspective just wouldn't be able to lie like that.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you can't hang out with this group if it needs to be secret.
You have my empathy!

^^ This is a perfect example of the cousin. She thinks that SHE should be the one to determine your relationship with your mother and enables her in the name of "its more convenient for me-- I wont lie for you! so there! " OP you have my sympathy -- there is always one member of the family who will pretend that your mother is not being unreasonable.

You really think it's reasonable to ask an entire group of people for their one and only summer vacation to not tell anyone and avoid posting any pictures, at all, anywhere?

It's not being mean, it's a horrible situation for OP, but one that was bound to fail. Word definitely would have gotten back somehow, I'm just glad OP found out before she got there and can make other plans.
A group vacation is not easy to hide!

Per OP, it wasn't asking an entire group of people, it was asking the ONLY cousin still in contact with her mom to not tell her mom where they were. And it's not that you can't EVER post photos, it's holding off until after the vacation is done or OP and her family are on their way. Instead OPs cousin gave OPs mom advanced notice when and where the vacation would be occurring just because.

Having taken plenty of vacations where there were social media embargos for various reasons (abusive exes, people that just don't want photos posted that could be inappropriate for those in politics to have out there) it isn't a burden at all to honor those requests. But sure, prioritize your insta likes over the safety and wellbeing of your family members...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just wondering how you expected the cousin to lie to your mom, not tell her where they are for a week, etc.

Maybe because I'm in an estranged family situation myself, but I'm not going to lie to one family member because someone else asks me to.

Obviously she should have told you (like I do), "no, I can't keep my vacation a secret. I talk to Aunt Jenni a lot, and we share a lot of pictures, I'm just not comfortable lying about my whereabouts for a week and having the kids lie too. I'm sorry"

If they are FB friends and have kids that talk too, and hang out, it's really not likely without lying. I always ask in small talk "so are you going anywhere this summer?" Or "have you been to the beach", and from my perspective just wouldn't be able to lie like that.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you can't hang out with this group if it needs to be secret.
You have my empathy!

This is such bizarre response to me. OP has had to have her mom hauled off by police because of the threat she poses to OP's family, yet you think "lying" about OP's whereabouts is morally repugnant? I think protecting OP's family far outweighs the cousin's desire to share information with the dangerous mom.

That's not anything close to what I said.

OP says that her cousin doesn't believe her, and still talks to her mom.
Therefore, it was really a bad idea in the first place to think the cousin was going to keep a secret.

Stop looking for a fight. I specifically said I'm in a similar dynamic and had complete empathy for OP. My point was that going forward this cousin can't be trusted to keep a secret of where they are for a week. I'm in a similar situation and can't just lie to everyone about what I'm doing or where I'm going even though I'm asked, too. So I get it.

PP You got called out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't care how crazy your mother is, she gave you life and you apparently can't forgive her for whatever she has supposedly done wrong. I think it's more painful for a mother to not be able to see her kids than for you to miss out on a vacation.

+1000 We are supposed to honor our parents, after all she obviously was good enough to give birth to you and keep you alive